So, I read a blog on Babble.com written by a lesbian woman who is trying to conceive with her partner. She wrote a blog about The Questions That Are OK To Ask Gay Parents and it got me thinking. These are questions that I asked myself and my partner. It inspired me to write my own blog. I decided to break it into different questions though. So here’s the first Question answered by me.
How Did We Decide Who Would Carry Our Child?
|Carrying a baby means you can’t
see your toes!
I’m not sure why this question would make people think I would be offended. It really is a valid question. We were planning for an nontraditional family and its better to ask your questions and get the appropriate answer. I would rather that than someone guess and be wrong.
Most lesbians that I speak to or read about have planned to have more than one child. My partner and I have only planned to have one child, so this decision was pretty difficult. We would not have the opportunity to share the role of biological mother.
Being women, of course we both wanted to carry the child. It’s sort of something about the biological clock ticking in women. With the exception of my best friend, I have never met a woman who didn’t want to carry their own child. I know women out there exist, but for the most part, women want to have babies. If you can’t have a baby, it’s a little disappointing.
With Kim and me, we talked about it a great deal and weighed a lot of the pros and cons for each of us. There are a lot of factors to think about. How do you keep the partner involved in the process? How will the family of the ‘other mother’ feel about it? How is insurance for the baby and delivery for the mother handled?
All sorts of things came to mind, but these were the biggest factors for us.
In the end, we decided on my carrying the child we were planning for. This is because my partner had a pretty rough last year. She was diagnosed with several mental illnesses and she simply wasn’t interested in passing those onto our child. I wouldn’t have been concerned about it, but she was. She also pointed out that she is on a lot of medication for her disorders so it wouldn’t be healthy for her or the baby.
With her many illnesses, my partner was also deemed disabled in the eyes of the government. This means that she doesn’t currently have a job, and she likely won’t have one in the future. This works for our family. I am okay with it. I love her regardless of the circumstances. However, this means that she doesn’t have health insurance. She is covered, thank goodness, on my insurance at work.
We wanted my pregnancy and delivery to be covered through my insurance, but we also wanted to make sure the baby was covered when she was born. I wasn’t clear on the details on my insurance regarding domestic partner biological children. So, that was another factor for us. I knew that my biological child would be covered on my insurance.
|Our baby has 2 mommies, it doesn’t
matter who is biological.
My job gives maternity leave, so that was nice. Kim is not working so she is a stay at home mommy. I never really would have thought of our roles in that manner, but its works wonderfully. Peyton doesn’t have to go to daycare which saves on money and sickness. Also, I can get out of the house. I really wouldn’t make a very good stay at home mommy.
In the end, these were the factors we chose for who would carry our child. It was a tough decision and I am thankful that her family still feels included in Peyton’s life and understands that even though Kim didn’t carry our daughter, she is in fact her mother. Both of our families accept our decision and it has not affected them negatively at all. Frankly, if I thought Kim and I would be splitting in the near future and that things would get ugly, I would have never dreamed of starting a family with her in the first place.
As it stands, it doesn’t matter to us who carried Peyton. In the end, no matter what happens between Kim and I in the future (nothing is predicted to change) Peyton will always be Kim’s daughter and her family will always be a part of her life.
|Kim and her Mom. Peyton will always
have her Grammy, no matter who her
biological Mommy is.
Later, I will tackle the other questions mentioned in the inspired blog post I read: Whose Last Name Will the Baby Have? What Will Your Child Call You? Will You Discuss The Donor With Your Child? What Do You Do On Father’s Day?
Stay Tuned. More to come.