My Fears of "Breaking the Baby" and The Countdown …

For the anatomical scan!
Finally, after our visit with the doctor 2 weeks ago, we have been counting down the time until our ‘anatomical scan’. We have 2 more days. We will find out what the sex of the baby is on Wednesday, so here’s to hoping that the baby is actually cooperative.  Let’s all cross our fingers that there’s a little girl in there, so that I don’t feel like my intuition is TOTALLY off. *wink* My partner is totally waiting to tell me she told me so. In all reality, I really just want a happy, healthy baby in the end, no matter the gender.
I am definitely a little more … nervous about raising a boy. Perhaps, its just because I’m not sure I would know what to do with a boy. My partner says there is nothing different, but I am not into boy things. However, I am sure things will be just fine. Its just a first mommy fear and pregnancy anxiety. I am sure its all very natural, I just have to get over those fears and anxiety if this baby is a boy. I won’t be unhappy either way, just a tiny bit more worried.

No matter what the gender, its exciting to feel the little bubbly sensations in my belly. I admit, I can’t tell for sure if its movement or not, but it doesn’t feel like gas or butterflies, the way people tend to describe the first movements. I feel bubbly sensations or a tiny tap on one side or the other of my belly. Its been pretty frequent for the past week or so. I am going to say that it is the baby’s movements. It makes me feel better, because really, I do get very nervous when I don’t know what’s going on in there!

My partner says I definitely look pregnant and I suppose that’s a good thing, since I dont’ really feel pregnant. I admit, I have been blessed. I haven’t had any of the normal pregnancy symptoms. I really can’t complain. The swelling in my feet has been less frequent, my hips are not as painful unless I sit in one position too long. I also realized the other day that I haven’t really had the migraines I was plagued with before pregnancy. Then, of course, the moment I vocalized it, I was got a migraine, yesterday morning.
I know that the medication list the nurse gave me at my first appointment says I can take Tylonel. However, I started looking for Tylonel early on, because I suspected I would end up with crazy headaches early on. No matter where I went: CVS, Walmart, Hyvee, Quik Trip, EVERYWHERE and none of these places had regular old Tylonel. I could only find Extra Strength and my co-workers were freaking me out and telling me that I can’t take those.
I called my doctor this morning, after the pain was just so bad that I couldn’t do anything anymore. The nurse told me that Extra Strength Tylonel is fine, as long as I took it per the directions. I was so relieved. I downed those pills this afternoon as soon as I hung up the phone. I have shyed away from pills and medicine just because I don’t want to “break the baby” and now I know that its ok. Of course, on that same note, no matter how many times the books say its ok to have sex, its not the same as pain relief.

I have an irrational fear of breaking the baby with sex. I know it. Too bad.

So yesterday started our 18 weeks and we are so close to the halfway part. I admit, its gone by so much faster than I never thought it would. The closer the day comes, its another anxiety. I am reading up on and researching, mostly breastfeeding, because that’s the one thing I really want to do. I really just want to breastfeed – more than anything else. So, the more knowledge I have for this, the more I will be determined to get through whatever challenges we will face when that time comes.
That’s the thoughts of the day.

My Ultrasound Looks Like A Baby

So, at our last appointment on Wednesday, we were going in to hear the heartbeat. I am 12 weeks and apparently this is when that sort of thing is done. There is not an ultrasound machine in the office, so I wasn’t really sure how this was going to work.

We were talking to the doctor in the room and my partner decided to tell him that I am convinced that there is nothing in there. Now, that’s not altogether true. I believe there is probably something in there, but its hard to say if everything is ok. I am paranoid. He asked me why it was I felt that way. I simply said, its too early for me to feel anything as far as movement goes and frankly, I don’t feel that much different other than some tenderness and swollen feet.

He proceeds to tell me that we will just listen to the heartbeat and put my mind at ease. He pulls out the little handheld and we get to work. My partner brought the camera, so we could capture the first heartbeats of our baby. Except ….

The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. So much for putting my mind at ease. Instead he sent me downstairs to get an ultrasound for ‘viability’. That’s a scary word. I just want you to know how scary that word is. Let it sink in. VIABILITY. Scary. It just is.

So, I was told I needed a full bladder, which I had that with the last two ultrasounds and knew ahead of time. The appointment for the ultrasound wasn’t for another hour. So I was drinking water and tea for about an hour and a half. By the time the ultrasound technician came to get me, not only was I anxious about ‘viability’ but I was about to wet myself.

When we got back to the room, the technician told me that I could pee. I didn’t need to be ‘that full’. Son of a bitch. Why didn’t someone tell me that I could have peed thirty minutes ago?!

Anyway, back to the ultrasound.

She found the heartbeat and we got pictures. The heartbeat was 160 and the baby is measuring 13 weeks, which isn’t really the case until Sunday. I was so happy to see the baby moving around in there! I have never been more relieved in my life.

The baby was waving its arms around and bending its knees to kick of the sides of things. It was doing flips in there and twisting and turning. I can’t imagine what it will be like when I can actually FEEL it, if this baby is that active now. I’m just glad that the baby is ok.

The scanning is a little off, but here they are. Left: Profile, Right: Face
In other baby news, I have been having ridiculous pains in my lower back and hips. Apparently, like everything else I am experiencing, its too early for that. My doctor just looks at me and says, “We have a long way to go.” Oy. So, he is sending me to physical therapy to get some stretches or something, because everytime I bend over, sit, or get out of a chair, my hips are killing me. Sometimes worse than others, but usually most of the time.
Because I was supposed to schedule this appointment with physical therapy, I thought I should probably, finally, find out what my medical insurance covers for pregnancy and other assorted things. My partner says with 3 ultrasounds in 12 weeks, this baby is surely going to be a pain in the ass even outside the womb. With that in mind, I figured I better check.
What I learned? I learned I have nearly met my $1000 deductible in 3 months with all the bills I have been accruing. Now .. don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that this was going to be expensive, but when I signed up for insurance, I didn’t consider having a baby that year. I nearly fell out of my chair when that woman told me I had already racked up nearly $1000 and I still have 6-7 months to go!
Anyway, on the bright side, we have the baby we have been dreaming up growing and moving and shaking inside. I am not going to let a little thing like money get in our way. Today is the day I have decided to TRY and actually quit smoking. At the time of this post, I have yet to have a cigarette. SO, we will see how it goes when I get home.
Wish me luck.
On our next visit, in 4 weeks, we will be setting up an appointment to see what we are having!
Take Care