Only Children Are Just Fine

We talked about a second baby and we went back and forth for a week or so. I know that’s not really a lot of time to make a decision and we may change our minds in the future. For now, we decided that a second child isn’t really a good idea for us. I know, in our hearts, like most women, we want to have more children. We want to nurture a new generation of children in our family, in our blood. To satisfy that urge to bond with a child of our own. It’s just too much right now for our heads to say yes to.

The positives are obvious; K could have a child of her own blood and carry a child. I could actually name the child! We could give Punky a sibling. We would be growing our family. We could maybe have a son.

The negatives are more complicated; the insurance issue, the mental illness, the genetics. We would have to likely get a bigger home. We would care for a toddler and a newborn. It’s just a lot of more heavy weighing things.

Right now.

I’m not going to say that we won’t revisit this situation at some point. However, the reason we were thinking about it, was because our donor is considering his own options as far as child-making abilities. In the next few years, he may not have the goods.

We are women, so who knows what tomorrow will bring, but right now, I think we are making the right decision for the two of us. We got it confirmed by K’s psychologist that it may not be the best idea, right now, for K to carry a child. She did say that it can be done if we want to do it, but at this point in time, it may not be the best option.

When we thought about having children and beginning a family, we always talked about having multiple children. But, when Punky was born, we have had talks about it before and really, it’s not really something we were concrete about. I think K and I both really thought our donor was over the whole conception thing and we really didn’t want to talk about asking him again. Until he brought it up, I feel like we were content with the lives we have and the one child we have.

So, we may revisit it. We may not. I never like to think I know how something will happen in the future. I don’t like to think in absolutes. I’m kind of funny that way.

It’s similar to my religious views. I don’t believe, now, that there is a God, persay. At least not the same God that people ‘worship’, because that God is just … eh … fickle. I don’t agree with the doctrine that is taught by the church. I also have to believe that I don’t know what’s actually true and what’s reality. Who knows, we may have been created by some all powerful being. We don’t really know. No one knows. Part of me wonders if I am just not a believer in the church.

Never think in absolutes. I never have. I just went off on a tangent. In the end, we have the child we both wanted. We love her more than anything and at the moment, she may be all we really have time or energy for. We could change our minds, but I really think this is the right decision for us, as hard as it is on my heart, my head knows we have made the right choice.

Baby Number Two?

I am always the first to say that we would not be having a second child. That one kid was enough. However, the real reason for those words was because I didn’t believe we would have another shot. I had, in my mind, made it pretty clear that we were lucky enough to have the one child. I didn’t want to press our luck and our donor has been so very awesome about this in the last year, that who wants to push his boundaries either!

In the back of my mind, I always wait for the day he shows up at the doorstep and wants a relationship with Punky. The way we conceived, it’s his right to ask for these things. K and I have already discussed that we wouldn’t fight it either, but it would be a strain on how we wanted to raise our daughter.  We hear from him from time to time, he’s a blessing. He just likes to catch up and see how we are doing, tell us how he is doing, and it’s a pretty awesome relationship we have with him. I just never dreamed of asking him to help us again, because it’s emotionally something that most people wouldn’t be able to handle twice. Our donor is truly an amazing individual in that way.

Then, yesterday, something happened. Our donor messaged me on Facebook and brought up the very real possibility that we are able to try again. I just assumed he was done with that whole thing. This did two things in my mind. It sealed the fact that he really is just content helping us create a family (I knew this, but there’s always that what-if in the back of my mind) AND we really do have the option to try for another baby.

If we had another baby, K would carry this time. I think that is a beautiful thing. She has her own clock that is just ticking away and I felt terrible that she hasn’t been able to experience being pregnant and having a child. We have a lot of things to work out though. I think we both do want a second child, our hearts are definitely in the path of wanting a sibling for Punky and a second baby to round out our family. Maybe it would be a boy this time!

K is BiPolar and she has some things she needs to work out. She is on a lot of medications that she would have to give up in order to be healthy for the baby. We need to talk to her psychologist and psychiatrist to see if they have options that they can give us for how they feel it might work for her to get pregnant. I also am afraid that all these medications may make it hard for her to get pregnant. She’s also Punky’s stay-at-home mom. I am thinking she is going to be off her medication, pregnant and trying to care for a very mobile, willful toddler.

She is also on my insurance right now, but in the times we have the baby, she would not be, because of the way my insurance is changing. We are going to a high deductible employee plan with an HSA that is overseen by the federal government. The government doesn’t recognize her as  my ‘tax dependent  which means, I can cover her through my employer’s insurance, but I have to pay full cost for all medical and prescription costs because of the deductible and not be reimbursed by the government sponsored HSA.

All in all, we would be going about this pregnancy, should she carry this child, pretty much full cost. I am going to talk to some other people about options on that before we go ruling it out based on that alone though. I know I can cover the child on my insurance and claim the baby as a ‘tax dependent’ after it’s born, so that’s not an issue. However, pregnancy is expensive. More expensive than we could afford, I’m still dealing with the bills I racked up from my own pregnancy and I was on insurance that covered a great deal of the cost.

Then, there is the way we conceived. The way we would conceive again, because it is the most full proof and frankly, the least expensive method. If you want to know the details of that, check out Path to Punky. Our donor lives several states away. We would have to get him here and then host him here and hope to conceive as fast as we did with my pregnancy. One shot. One week. One roller coaster of emotions. Can our relationship withstand that twice? I like to think it can. However, the situations is different now. We have a baby in the house. We have more responsibilities than we had last time we did this.

There are a lot of obstacles standing in the way and frankly, I don’t know if it’s the best idea to get pregnant again. However, at the same time, I want to give K a chance to be pregnant.

Also, while I know that she loves Punky as her own, there is something, it’s just different, when you have a child that you carried for 10 months and delivered from your body. It’s a different kind of bond. I know it is. I don’t want to take that away from her. I certainly didn’t like being pregnant, it was my least favorite time of this process of getting Punky, at the same time, I’m glad I had the experience. I also have a bond with Punky that I feel like is stronger because I carried her.

In my mind, I want to make this work! I don’t understand why it has to be so damn difficult for us to have the family we want, and straight couples all around the world are having ‘OOPs babies’ and some are being abandoned or not very well taken care of. There are people out there who say babies of gay parents are at a disservice, I will never understand that. We have to plan. We have to spend a great deal of time and money and effort to have our children. We have to REALLY REALLY want our children.

How can a baby be at a disadvantage because we love them so much we would do anything to have them?