11 Possibly Interesting Things About Me

I got the idea from Lindsay over at Solo Mama. I love the idea of getting outside the blogging box and just learn a little something about the people are reading about. Get inside the lives; past and present; of the people we are following.

So without further ado – here’s the not so interesting, least known facts about me.

1. I was a smart, quiet kid. It’s been said that I would be content with a coloring book and crayons for hours. I am told that I didn’t really cry much and I wasn’t really very social – able to play by myself and take joy in solitude. I was able to write my name by the time I was two and a half and I said when I grew up I wanted to be a teacher. Don’t we all!?

2. I grew up five brothers and two sisters. I am the second oldest, but I have only met my older brother a handful of times and corresponded with him mostly through letters to him in his many stints in jail. Most are half-siblings, I have a brother and a sister who have the same mother and father as myself, the rest are all half and step siblings whom I treat as full blood.

3. When I was 12, I was placed into the care of a adolescent psychiatric ward for a few days and then a group home shortly after for the rest of the summer. I was an angry kid who wanted to get what she wanted. A compulsive liar and a need for instant gratification. They put some pills in my mouth, tried to subdue the violence in my heart, and sent me home.

4. When I was 15, I participated in modeling school. At the time, my aspirations moved from teacher to model/actress. I attended Barbizon modeling school, which my mother; I’m told; is still paying for. I didn’t get a chance to finish, due to so changes in my home life and thus, the tuition went to waste and I’m pretty sure it may be a scam.  Sorry Mom!!!

5. I used to be a bully. That statement is likely the hardest thing for me to ever say about myself. I did some pretty terrible things in high school. From the time I started high school at age 15 through my junior year of high school, was a pretty much not a nice person. I would make fun of people, threaten people, spread rumors and break up relationships. For fun and amusement. Nothing more.  I still have people who may hate me, people who still blame me for their poor experience in high school. I don’t blame them for it. And I can’t make my apologies more clear, though I doubt the words “I’m Sorry” will ever be enough. I hope that I can use these experiences to help my daughter be a better person than I was growing up.

6. I almost dropped out of high school in my senior year. Fortunately for me, someone very dear to me, took me in and helped me transfer to a new school in the area that I now live in. She helped give me stability in my life – something I hadn’t really grown up with before. She gave me peace of mind. She gave me responsibility. She gave me structure. In the end, I have her to thank for turning my life around and calming the beast inside of me down. I owe my graduation of high school, my attendance to college (however brief) and my decision to choose a different path to her. She is my savior and she knows who she is.

7. I met Kim on an internet dating site. We have been together since the beginning. We met and had our first date on April 21, 2003 and we made it official on May 1, 2003. She’s my first and only girlfriend. I dated and had sex with many boys and men before her. I was drunk the night I came on the phone and asked her to be my ‘girlfriend’. The rest – is really history!

8. Kim and I have a habit of taking in ‘strays’. Or rather, taking in my sisters. Both of whom I love dearly. The reason I bring it up, is because the first time we brought in first sister, we also took in her daughter. Who had just turned two at the time. Having this little ball of toddler fun in our home, helping care for her and keeping her close to our hearts is likely the reason we decided to start thinking long and hard about having a kid of our own. We got a trial run at the job as mothers and when my sister moved out and left to be on her own again, taking my niece with me, it really did a number on us. We also took in my teenage sister and got a nice trial run at that life too. I learned how to enroll a kid, the paper work, the teachers, the meetings. I got to be involved with the homework, the advice, the drama and the triumphs. In the end, she also went off to be on her own, now over 18, but I thank both my sisters for helping shape our parenting skills. They will be forever a part of how we raise our daughter.

9. I’m addicted to Netflix. Seriously. So, most of my interesting tidbits so far has been serious and a bit hard to swallow for me. However, this little tidbit is fun and light-hearted. I am utterly addicted to Netflix. All shows on Netflix – everything I watch is generally found on Netflix and/or branched out from Netflix. I found such gems as Ghost Whisperer, Supernatural, and Doctor Who! I quite enjoy binge watching all these shows to catch up and then move to DVR options if they are still on air.

10. I have an undiagnosed version of anxiety disorder, stemming from PTSD. No I’m not a soldier.  I’m a woman who grew up with some pretty hardcore shit in her past. In the end, I’m currently going through a form of intense anxiety – spiraling into a sense of destructive behavior. I’m working on it weekly with a therapist, mostly because I don’t want the after effects of my own life to spill over into my daughter’s childhood and upbringing. At present, my days are full of anxiety, panic attacks, and lots of avoidance of certain situations.

11. My daughter looks just like me, but I hope she doesn’t become me. I say this because the paths; choices and decisions; I had to make in order to become the me I am today, has been a hard road, a tough road of tears and mistakes. I would prefer that my daughter not have to learn the lessons I learned in my 30 years of life. However, the path and choices I have experienced have made me who I am. In the end, I am pretty proud of who I am and who Punky has as a mother, but I would really be more proud if she can become a good and nice person without the extra baggage!

So that’s me. Here’s me in a nutshell. I will be 30 in May and I have a rich past, a beautiful present and an uncertain future. All I care about, in the end, is how my Punky monster turns out.

What about you? Tell me great tidbits about you? I love reading about other people’s lives!

6/52 – New Haircut

IMG_4594Discovering new ways to do Miss Punky’s hair. Thanks to the girl who cut her hair for suggesting it. I absolutely love the place that cuts her hair, they are fun and easy and totally geared towards kids.

We also discovered new ways to spend time together. We have been to Smallcakes before, it’s a cupcakery that has all sorts of very delicious cupcakes. So after her haircut this week, we took 3.25 and shared a Caramel Crunch cupcake and it was awesome.

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Overall, we had another great week.

We also learned some new words. Like “Clock” except she can’t say the “L”, thus it comes out very inappropriate. Mix that with Kim encouraging her to say she likes “Clocks and Balls” – which thank goodness she can’t fully say, it’s pretty hilarious, but so very inappropriate!

 

Day 9: Reading a New Book with Mommy and a Baby Foot Tattoo

A long day at work and a stressed out baby mama. I came home and got the dinner on and put the kiddo in the bathtub.

Day 9 was really just a simple little night. A new book for Punky and a little tattoo. She’s loving the temporary tattoos right now. I think it’s great. Its a super cute favorite thing for our daughter. She loves the little things and I

absolutely love that she is so easily amused.

 

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We had a nice time hanging out on the couch and spending time together. I have come to look forward to the nights after work when we get to open a new envelope. She seems to look forward to it too!

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She got a tattoo on her foot tonight, it was awesome! She even walked ridiculously afterward. She just kept wanting to look at it, so she waddled a lot. It was very cute.

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She stole my peppermint white chocolate pretzels and decided she needed to try and feed me. Thank goodness she didn’t lick it first or give me one without chocolate on it!

Day 8: Decorate the Christmas Tree

So, the first night in the big girl bed was a success for the most part. She laid in it with no problem, but when she lost her sippy cup in the bed she freaked out. We filled it back up and laid her back down, turned on a night light and she was pretty much out. A small bit of crying it out and of course, it worked. We will see how tonight goes.

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Originally, it was time to decorate our Christmas tree at home tonight. But, I volunteered to work and it ended up being late. By the time I got home, we were not really feeling the idea of putting together tree and stringing the lights and such. So, luckily, Grammy and Papa came and picked Punky up to decorate their Christmas tree with them and her cousins.

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When I got home, she was very much ready to open her envelope. So, while the countdown isn’t going like I had planned, she’s still experiencing Christmas activities every day, which was the goal of the countdown. AND, I really do appreciate family members helping making her holidays special.

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Today she pulled out jellybeans again. Day 8 was not as planned, but still pretty darn successful.

Can I Borrow Your Backyard?

Holy smokes, people. I didn’t really think about how much is costs to have a stupid wedding ceremony. See, I know earlier I was all “Yay Wedding!” “Yay walking down the aisle!” That was before I went to price venues for an affair such as our wedding. Are you kidding me? $2000 for like three hours? Honestly, I have the food taken care of, I don’t need a dance floor or anything fancy. I just need a place to walk down the aisle in a pretty dress and say I DO to the love of my life.

Is that really so much to ask for?

We are parents of a small child and I don’t have the cash to have even a small affair. I mean, sure we could save it up for a while, but then the wedding would never happen, because we really are the worst savers on the planet! LOL.  And, anyone who knows me personally just laughed out loud for real, hopefully you aren’t drinking anything. Sorry about your nose ….

Anyway, so I am thinking about just crashing someone’s backyard. You know, put some lawn chairs out and pay homage to my redneck roots. Here I am rolling my eyes right now. Seriously, that just won’t ever happen.

But, I suppose, eventually I will make this work. There’s got to be a nice place I can have a decent wedding ceremony and not have to give my imaginary second born child as payment. (We can’t give up the first one, they’d give her back, and we aren’t having a second one, now we’re screwed!) Heh, but really, planning a wedding is expensive!

We have a date though, in May, hopefully. I am really shooting for that, regardless of what we do. And, we will technically be getting married before that, legally, with the paper and all that signed in a month – maybe less, as soon as we get some information from Iowa on how we have to proceed. I don’t want to be driving all the way to Iowa (I know, I know it’s only 2 hours) and find out that we weren’t fully prepared.

I sent an email to the county recorder’s office there on Labor Day and haven’t heard anything yet. I figure they are busy with a lot of midwesterners with the same questions I have about same-sex marriage, since the IRS ruling that just came out. I’m sure I’m not the only one with the questions on how to do this properly. And, Iowa is the closest state we can do it when we are smack dab in the middle of the country. I swear, the midwest needs to get with the program for crying out loud.

So, we have a semi-plan for the trip to Iowa, now we just need to figure out how to make the ceremony nice and still keep it reasonable  for our pockets. It’s really going to be a frivolous expense anyway, but I am set that I will have my day to walk down the aisle. Our mothers will be able to see us stand in front of our friends and family and proclaim our love to the person we have shared the last decade with. Our fathers will have the chance to walk us down the aisle, give us away and dance at our wedding. It will happen. It will.

In other news, I’m still working the night shift, getting off at midnight. I’m still doing a fill in supervisor job in the hopes of making it permanent. Keep your fingers crossed for me, it’s a great opportunity and it’s definitely what I want to do.

And, as always, it allows me to do great things with Punky that I wouldn’t normally be able to do. K and I decided that for pictures that aren’t ‘creeper worthy’ or nude pictures and stuff that I don’t actually ever post, I am not going to password protect, because damnit, I hate doing it. So, for your viewing pleasure, here’s what we have been doing!

Over the last holiday weekend, Punky helped me cook spaghetti. She really just stirred her own pot of cold, salty noodle water and nibbled on the uncooked noodles.

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We also spent some time at Barnes and Noble for the first time with Punky. She had a nice time with their Lego display thing.

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Tuesday we went to story time at the library. I didn’t get a chance to get any pictures of her there, because the story time was too little for her and she was too busy. We may try storytime for toddlers next time.

Then today we went for a little outing to the store this morning. I am just loving the fact that she walks to the car by herself and she can hold my hand, even if she doesn’t really want to.

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She climbs up the stairs, she takes a little break and then of course, becomes distracted by things on the way, but we get there eventually. I know I have more patience than K does in this department, but we are working on it! Our little girl is getting bigger and bigger. Her half birthday is on Saturday! We will likely have a little celebration for her 18 months. I’m sure I will have pictures for you then too!

Hope everyone had a great week and has a great weekend!

 

Baby Number Two?

I am always the first to say that we would not be having a second child. That one kid was enough. However, the real reason for those words was because I didn’t believe we would have another shot. I had, in my mind, made it pretty clear that we were lucky enough to have the one child. I didn’t want to press our luck and our donor has been so very awesome about this in the last year, that who wants to push his boundaries either!

In the back of my mind, I always wait for the day he shows up at the doorstep and wants a relationship with Punky. The way we conceived, it’s his right to ask for these things. K and I have already discussed that we wouldn’t fight it either, but it would be a strain on how we wanted to raise our daughter.  We hear from him from time to time, he’s a blessing. He just likes to catch up and see how we are doing, tell us how he is doing, and it’s a pretty awesome relationship we have with him. I just never dreamed of asking him to help us again, because it’s emotionally something that most people wouldn’t be able to handle twice. Our donor is truly an amazing individual in that way.

Then, yesterday, something happened. Our donor messaged me on Facebook and brought up the very real possibility that we are able to try again. I just assumed he was done with that whole thing. This did two things in my mind. It sealed the fact that he really is just content helping us create a family (I knew this, but there’s always that what-if in the back of my mind) AND we really do have the option to try for another baby.

If we had another baby, K would carry this time. I think that is a beautiful thing. She has her own clock that is just ticking away and I felt terrible that she hasn’t been able to experience being pregnant and having a child. We have a lot of things to work out though. I think we both do want a second child, our hearts are definitely in the path of wanting a sibling for Punky and a second baby to round out our family. Maybe it would be a boy this time!

K is BiPolar and she has some things she needs to work out. She is on a lot of medications that she would have to give up in order to be healthy for the baby. We need to talk to her psychologist and psychiatrist to see if they have options that they can give us for how they feel it might work for her to get pregnant. I also am afraid that all these medications may make it hard for her to get pregnant. She’s also Punky’s stay-at-home mom. I am thinking she is going to be off her medication, pregnant and trying to care for a very mobile, willful toddler.

She is also on my insurance right now, but in the times we have the baby, she would not be, because of the way my insurance is changing. We are going to a high deductible employee plan with an HSA that is overseen by the federal government. The government doesn’t recognize her as  my ‘tax dependent  which means, I can cover her through my employer’s insurance, but I have to pay full cost for all medical and prescription costs because of the deductible and not be reimbursed by the government sponsored HSA.

All in all, we would be going about this pregnancy, should she carry this child, pretty much full cost. I am going to talk to some other people about options on that before we go ruling it out based on that alone though. I know I can cover the child on my insurance and claim the baby as a ‘tax dependent’ after it’s born, so that’s not an issue. However, pregnancy is expensive. More expensive than we could afford, I’m still dealing with the bills I racked up from my own pregnancy and I was on insurance that covered a great deal of the cost.

Then, there is the way we conceived. The way we would conceive again, because it is the most full proof and frankly, the least expensive method. If you want to know the details of that, check out Path to Punky. Our donor lives several states away. We would have to get him here and then host him here and hope to conceive as fast as we did with my pregnancy. One shot. One week. One roller coaster of emotions. Can our relationship withstand that twice? I like to think it can. However, the situations is different now. We have a baby in the house. We have more responsibilities than we had last time we did this.

There are a lot of obstacles standing in the way and frankly, I don’t know if it’s the best idea to get pregnant again. However, at the same time, I want to give K a chance to be pregnant.

Also, while I know that she loves Punky as her own, there is something, it’s just different, when you have a child that you carried for 10 months and delivered from your body. It’s a different kind of bond. I know it is. I don’t want to take that away from her. I certainly didn’t like being pregnant, it was my least favorite time of this process of getting Punky, at the same time, I’m glad I had the experience. I also have a bond with Punky that I feel like is stronger because I carried her.

In my mind, I want to make this work! I don’t understand why it has to be so damn difficult for us to have the family we want, and straight couples all around the world are having ‘OOPs babies’ and some are being abandoned or not very well taken care of. There are people out there who say babies of gay parents are at a disservice, I will never understand that. We have to plan. We have to spend a great deal of time and money and effort to have our children. We have to REALLY REALLY want our children.

How can a baby be at a disadvantage because we love them so much we would do anything to have them?

If You Are Against My Family, Are We Really Friends?

I’m so upset right now. I can’t decide what to do. I am posting this on Facebook, as I always do, so it’s possible that this person will see the post. I’m not really upset at the person who posted this, I’m more upset with the people she is associated with. I know her to be a decent and kind person. I know her to be a loving mother and a beautiful spirit. And yet, this blog post is something that she posts for the world to see.

The post itself makes valid points, and I don’t know the writer’s stand on Gay Marriage, it makes no difference to me. I think right now, I am more upset about one comment on my friend’s post. A comment that I would hope someone would stand up against. But, it won’t be me. Why? Because I don’t want to blast this friend’s Facebook wall with debates and hatred.

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But, the idea that this had to be said at all, hurts my heart. Make up extra rights?! Really? I’m so confused. I am literally appalled that my friend knows someone like this. She is kind and generous and loving – all the things that I was taught God wants us to be. And this person, whom I don’t know and have never met, shows me what the truth of the church is. What hatred is bred into the church.

I have to wonder, is my friend of the same mind about my family? I can’t bring myself to ask her directly. I can’t bring myself to post a reply to this comment. I want to think that she is associated with people of faith that loves everyone. That walks in the path of Jesus. The way Jesus walked.

How about, if you want to take ‘holy week’ to reflect on something, why don’t we remember that Jesus died for all our sins. How about we remember that Jesus loved the prostitute? How about we remember that God should be the only judge? Or we could remember that Jesus said to love thy neighbors? Love covers a multitude of sins? Or, if you like bible verses with actual locations in the bible, here’s one for you:

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I have never been one with strong opinions in the way the government ran things. I have never been one with strong opinions in religious politics. I’ll be the first to admit that when I went to vote for the first time, I didn’t even know the difference between being a Democrat or a Republican.

But, this hits home for me. I am taking a stand. I have, since done my research and this issue is not about religion, it’s not about politics. It’s about civil rights. It’s about humanity. It’s about fairness, equality, and justice.

I am standing here and challenging those who follow Jesus. I am challenging you that speak ‘the word of god’.

Live by the whole bible. Live by the whole word. I challenge you to re-evaluate your beliefs. I challenge you to look deep in your heart and decide where you lie. Do you lie on the side of fairness and love, as Jesus would have wanted? Or do you lie on the side of lies, hypocrisy and injustice?

So you say it’s not just religion. So you say it’s because children are better off with a mom and a dad. Let’s think for a moment about those children who have been left in a dumpster. Abandoned by their mom and dad. How about those children who were ‘accidents’ and unwanted. Are they better off with a mom and dad?

I think Punky is better off with the many Uncles, Cousins, and Grandpas she has. She is not lacking in male role models. (I hope they all don’t mind me putting them out for the public to see) I am proud that Punky has so many awesome men in her life!

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Do we take away the rights of Single mothers? What about the children who are being raised by their grandparents? Are they less cared for? Single mothers work their asses off. Single mothers are so full of love and life that I just can’t imagine why anyone would say those children need a dad.

Making up rights for my family?

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So, you don’t think it’s a right for me to be able to see my partner in the hospital as you can see your husband or wife? If I am lying on my death bed, my partner could be left with no solace in her grief because she couldn’t be next to me as I die. That’s a disservice to me and my partner. We have been together for 10 years. TEN YEARS.

But our love is not as committed as yours? Which one of yours? Your first marriage or your third? Our love isn’t the same as yours. For those who feel like this is simply a sexual thing. What goes on in my bedroom is really no one’s business, but we haven’t had sexual things as a focus of our relationship for years.

I love my partner the way anyone loves their spouse. She and I have been through more and weathered more hardships than most straight couples could weather in a year. We stand strong in the face of adversity. We don’t back down, we don’t break up.

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I like to think our relationship and our love is the true interpretation of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Stop and think a moment about what will happen to your children if you were to die suddenly tomorrow? Would your child be in the care of your spouse? Of course, no questions asked. Mine will not be. My child is likely to be plucked from the only home she knows. The only family she knows.

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If I were to die tomorrow, my partner has no legal rights to her daughter. She has no legal standing to keep our daughter safe. Tell me that is better for our child’s mind and spirit? Tell me that my daughter is better off taken from the only parent she knows. The one person she loves more than anything and the one parent who has taken care of her, loved her, kept her safe, tucked her in at night, fed her, and comforted her for the entire year she has been alive.

Tell me she is better off in a strangers care. She’s not.

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Now, tell me where the rights are being made up?

My heart hurts. I am sick to my stomach. I have never been more passionate about anything in my entire life. My family’s life is hanging in the balance. My family is being affected and now, my mother’s instinct is on full blast.

I’m no longer worried about making friends. I am no longer worried about losing friends. I am no longer worried about offending people. I am no longer worried about being an outcast. I am worried about my family being accepted.

If you can’t get on board with that, I don’t need you in my life.