Baby Number Two?

I am always the first to say that we would not be having a second child. That one kid was enough. However, the real reason for those words was because I didn’t believe we would have another shot. I had, in my mind, made it pretty clear that we were lucky enough to have the one child. I didn’t want to press our luck and our donor has been so very awesome about this in the last year, that who wants to push his boundaries either!

In the back of my mind, I always wait for the day he shows up at the doorstep and wants a relationship with Punky. The way we conceived, it’s his right to ask for these things. K and I have already discussed that we wouldn’t fight it either, but it would be a strain on how we wanted to raise our daughter.  We hear from him from time to time, he’s a blessing. He just likes to catch up and see how we are doing, tell us how he is doing, and it’s a pretty awesome relationship we have with him. I just never dreamed of asking him to help us again, because it’s emotionally something that most people wouldn’t be able to handle twice. Our donor is truly an amazing individual in that way.

Then, yesterday, something happened. Our donor messaged me on Facebook and brought up the very real possibility that we are able to try again. I just assumed he was done with that whole thing. This did two things in my mind. It sealed the fact that he really is just content helping us create a family (I knew this, but there’s always that what-if in the back of my mind) AND we really do have the option to try for another baby.

If we had another baby, K would carry this time. I think that is a beautiful thing. She has her own clock that is just ticking away and I felt terrible that she hasn’t been able to experience being pregnant and having a child. We have a lot of things to work out though. I think we both do want a second child, our hearts are definitely in the path of wanting a sibling for Punky and a second baby to round out our family. Maybe it would be a boy this time!

K is BiPolar and she has some things she needs to work out. She is on a lot of medications that she would have to give up in order to be healthy for the baby. We need to talk to her psychologist and psychiatrist to see if they have options that they can give us for how they feel it might work for her to get pregnant. I also am afraid that all these medications may make it hard for her to get pregnant. She’s also Punky’s stay-at-home mom. I am thinking she is going to be off her medication, pregnant and trying to care for a very mobile, willful toddler.

She is also on my insurance right now, but in the times we have the baby, she would not be, because of the way my insurance is changing. We are going to a high deductible employee plan with an HSA that is overseen by the federal government. The government doesn’t recognize her as  my ‘tax dependent  which means, I can cover her through my employer’s insurance, but I have to pay full cost for all medical and prescription costs because of the deductible and not be reimbursed by the government sponsored HSA.

All in all, we would be going about this pregnancy, should she carry this child, pretty much full cost. I am going to talk to some other people about options on that before we go ruling it out based on that alone though. I know I can cover the child on my insurance and claim the baby as a ‘tax dependent’ after it’s born, so that’s not an issue. However, pregnancy is expensive. More expensive than we could afford, I’m still dealing with the bills I racked up from my own pregnancy and I was on insurance that covered a great deal of the cost.

Then, there is the way we conceived. The way we would conceive again, because it is the most full proof and frankly, the least expensive method. If you want to know the details of that, check out Path to Punky. Our donor lives several states away. We would have to get him here and then host him here and hope to conceive as fast as we did with my pregnancy. One shot. One week. One roller coaster of emotions. Can our relationship withstand that twice? I like to think it can. However, the situations is different now. We have a baby in the house. We have more responsibilities than we had last time we did this.

There are a lot of obstacles standing in the way and frankly, I don’t know if it’s the best idea to get pregnant again. However, at the same time, I want to give K a chance to be pregnant.

Also, while I know that she loves Punky as her own, there is something, it’s just different, when you have a child that you carried for 10 months and delivered from your body. It’s a different kind of bond. I know it is. I don’t want to take that away from her. I certainly didn’t like being pregnant, it was my least favorite time of this process of getting Punky, at the same time, I’m glad I had the experience. I also have a bond with Punky that I feel like is stronger because I carried her.

In my mind, I want to make this work! I don’t understand why it has to be so damn difficult for us to have the family we want, and straight couples all around the world are having ‘OOPs babies’ and some are being abandoned or not very well taken care of. There are people out there who say babies of gay parents are at a disservice, I will never understand that. We have to plan. We have to spend a great deal of time and money and effort to have our children. We have to REALLY REALLY want our children.

How can a baby be at a disadvantage because we love them so much we would do anything to have them?

The Most Annoying Question …. Right Now

When we were first announcing we were pregnant, oh, almost 2 years ago. The question that irritated me the most was “How Did This Happen?”. Now, that question doesn’t really bother me. Ask me how we conceived our daughter and I have no problem telling you how it happened. And much more cordially than when I was first pregnant.

Now.

mommies

I swear since Peyton turned one, people joke about having another baby. When are you having another one? Are you ready for another one? Don’t you think Peyton needs a sibling? Blah, Blah, Blah.

Would I love to love another child? Yes. I would – my life was never envisioned with just one child in our lives.

However, when I get asked that question, I have to through the awkward motions of reminding these people just hard difficult it was for us to get the first one. I don’t mind answering the question “How did this Happen?” I do mind reminding you because you didn’t get it the first time.

We had to find a donor. We had to find a donor who was willing and ready to give us a child and want nothing in return. We had to chart and take temps and go through the motions of figuring out the ovulation crap. We had to host said donor in our home for a week. I had to … well, you know … twice a day for a week. While my partner was in another room. Ouch. I know. Awkward? You don’t have to tell us!

That week was physically and emotionally draining. A normal relationship is not built to withstand that kind of trauma more than once. Hell, it shouldn’t have withstood it once. That experience did a lot of things for me, but it instilled the further truth that K and I are meant to be. If we can stand through that time, we can stand through anything.

I won’t complain about the beginnings of our conception, because once we went through the initial 5 months of planning and the one week of trying, we were pregnant. We were the lucky ones. I have no reason to complain.

maternity1

I did hate being pregnant. I had no reason to hate it. I just hated it. I felt claustrophobic and anxious the entire 10 months I was pregnant. I was constantly checking my toilet paper and  my pelvic bone shifted and made it difficult and painful to walk sometimes. Otherwise, I had no morning sickness, no real cravings and no absurd amounts of weight gain.

I like to think I still would do it again. If the road to a second child wasn’t filled with obstacles and hurdles. I’m not talking the baby gate hurdles, which I have gotten very good at, I am talking about finances. I am talking about emotions. I am talking about logistics. I am just not sure we could withstand another round.

book1

Also, I love our little girl to bits. To teeny tiny pieces and every single hair on her head. I love all her little pores and her sharp cannibal teeth. I love EVERY tiny little thing about her.

I like that I only have her. I like that I can spend as much undivided attention on her. I like that she can be my favorite and I don’t have to be afraid to admit it. I like that I can buy her a present and I don’t have to worry about getting one of equal size or caliber for someone else. I like that I can pick her up and swing her around and dance and sing her favorite songs with her. I can give her both my arms and wrap them around her little body and squeeze her tight.

car1 gym1

What if we had a second kid? Would she still be as special to me as she is right now? I’m sure she would be, but I wouldn’t have the time or energy to devote to her. I wouldn’t be able to call her my favorite. I wouldn’t be able to shower her with love and attention like I do right now. I wouldn’t be able to smother her with all my kisses, instead she would have to share them!

So, to answer that irritating question. Yes, I would love to have another child. Will we have another child? Who knows. But, I highly doubt it.

I just don’t know if I have room in my heart for another little one. Peyton is the miracle baby I have never believed could be real. She became real a year ago and I just can’t imagine feeling this way in equal measure for another child. The day she was born, at the very moment this picture was taken, she filled up my whole heart and soul with her tiny little face.

hospital

Of course, we doubted we would have one child and I am still in awe we have her. So, who knows what the future holds for our family.

However, bringing up the fact that we ‘need’ or ‘should have’ a second child just grates on my nerves. It brings up thoughts and feelings I don’t want to explain and I don’t want to experience right now.

Peyton has arrived … Week One Catchup

I am currently working on writing the birth story that gives a play by play of the day that Peyton was born, however, that is not finished yet. So instead, I have come to write about the first week of having Peyton in our lives.

To start things off, I have not had a cigarette since I went into the hospital to have her, which means this week has been double stressful. Quitting smoking and bringing home a newborn, can sometimes be a challenge, but we are all three getting through it.

I would sum up this week as “Breastfeeding Nightmares #1 and #2” considering that I wasn’t sure if I would even be able to handle breastfeeding and now that we have committed to it, for both Peyton’s well-being and our financial stability (formula is EXPENSIVE), it has been … a roller coaster to say the least.

Here are the highlights of Peyton’s first week on this earth. Outside the womb and no longer able to assault me from the inside!

  • Day 0 (March 7) – Peyton was born at 6:25pm at Menorah Medical Center in Kansas. She weighed 7 lbs, 7.5 oz. Though some documents tell different weights, we have a picture of her on the scale! We started breastfeeding within the hour of her being born. Those in attendance during the delivery were Kim and her sister Ashley. I pushed for about an hour and literally coughed her head out, before the doctor could get back into the room. 
  • Day 1 (March 8) – We all three stayed in the hospital and took it easy. Sometimes Peyton stayed in the nursery, sometimes she stayed with us. We were visited by many loving family and friends. We also had three free meals a day and lots of snacks. I got to see a lactation consultant who helped me out a lot with proper positions and tips on making sure Peyton was eating right. Peyton passed her hearing test and was giving some other tests and assessments pretty much every four hours. Filled out paper work for social security card and birth certificate.
  • Day 2 (March 9) – We got discharged from the hospital on day 3. The first place we went? Caremark. Yes, that’s correct, the first place I took my baby was to visit my work. To visit co-workers and … to pick up my paycheck. All of my team members got to hold her and tell me how beautiful she is. I know she is. They can keep telling me though! This was the start of our breastfeeding nightmares. Peyton refused to nurse and would simply scream at me. It broke my heart and I didn’t know how to help her. While she was getting -some- to eat, she would not latch on to actually feed.
  • Day 3 (March 10) We to Wal-mart with the baby for the first time. Didn’t stay long. Peyton started crying and we couldn’t figure out where I could feed her in the store. I wasn’t particularly fond of feeding her in a public bathroom, so we paid for our things and went home. Went to visit Aunt Phyllis. Day 2 of breastfeeding nightmare.
  • Day 4 (March 11) Had a nice dinner with the family at Grammy’s house. Fried chicken and mashed potatoes. All of Kim’s family was there. We found out that her brother Colin and his wife, Kayleigh, just found out they are expecting their second child. Peyton also met her cousin Gavin for the first time, he didn’t want to give her back to us after he started holding her. I’m sure he will make a fantastic big brother. Kayleigh helped get Peyton to feed and breastfeeding nightmare #1 was cured and life was great the rest of that day.
  • Day 5 (March 12) Spent the day at home. Hanging out with Mama and Mommy. All three of us caught up on some sleep and didn’t really do a lot of anything interesting. Breastfeeding nightmare #2 started. Engorgement. Couldn’t get Peyton latched again, but this time due to over supply of milk. She was frustrated, I was frustrated. It took several tries but we could at least get her latched eventually.
  • Day 6 (March 13) Grammy came to visit and have dinner. This is the day that she decided that it might be a good idea to eat every hour on the hour though. Pretty sure she hit her first growth spurt. She ate a record 11 times in that 24 hour period of time. Again more problems with engorgement, but I bought a pump and it helped to alleviate some of the engorgement problem. I tried to put the milk in a bottle for Peyton to drink, so that I didn’t have to waste it, but she was not able to use the bottle. Either she didn’t like it, or she didn’t know how to use it – I am not sure. Safe to say that currently, at least until I am off maternity leave, she will be using me as her bottle. 🙂
  • Day 7 (March 14) Peyton Shea Fields is 1 WEEK OLD.

All in all, Peyton’s first week of life was eventful and a little stressful when it came to breastfeeding. However, I am determined to make it work. I don’t care how many nightmares come our way, Peyton and I will make this work and we will all be the better for it. I don’t know what the next week will bring, but what I do know is that I love Peyton more and more as every second goes by!

    My Fears of "Breaking the Baby" and The Countdown …

    For the anatomical scan!
    Finally, after our visit with the doctor 2 weeks ago, we have been counting down the time until our ‘anatomical scan’. We have 2 more days. We will find out what the sex of the baby is on Wednesday, so here’s to hoping that the baby is actually cooperative.  Let’s all cross our fingers that there’s a little girl in there, so that I don’t feel like my intuition is TOTALLY off. *wink* My partner is totally waiting to tell me she told me so. In all reality, I really just want a happy, healthy baby in the end, no matter the gender.
    I am definitely a little more … nervous about raising a boy. Perhaps, its just because I’m not sure I would know what to do with a boy. My partner says there is nothing different, but I am not into boy things. However, I am sure things will be just fine. Its just a first mommy fear and pregnancy anxiety. I am sure its all very natural, I just have to get over those fears and anxiety if this baby is a boy. I won’t be unhappy either way, just a tiny bit more worried.

    No matter what the gender, its exciting to feel the little bubbly sensations in my belly. I admit, I can’t tell for sure if its movement or not, but it doesn’t feel like gas or butterflies, the way people tend to describe the first movements. I feel bubbly sensations or a tiny tap on one side or the other of my belly. Its been pretty frequent for the past week or so. I am going to say that it is the baby’s movements. It makes me feel better, because really, I do get very nervous when I don’t know what’s going on in there!

    My partner says I definitely look pregnant and I suppose that’s a good thing, since I dont’ really feel pregnant. I admit, I have been blessed. I haven’t had any of the normal pregnancy symptoms. I really can’t complain. The swelling in my feet has been less frequent, my hips are not as painful unless I sit in one position too long. I also realized the other day that I haven’t really had the migraines I was plagued with before pregnancy. Then, of course, the moment I vocalized it, I was got a migraine, yesterday morning.
    I know that the medication list the nurse gave me at my first appointment says I can take Tylonel. However, I started looking for Tylonel early on, because I suspected I would end up with crazy headaches early on. No matter where I went: CVS, Walmart, Hyvee, Quik Trip, EVERYWHERE and none of these places had regular old Tylonel. I could only find Extra Strength and my co-workers were freaking me out and telling me that I can’t take those.
    I called my doctor this morning, after the pain was just so bad that I couldn’t do anything anymore. The nurse told me that Extra Strength Tylonel is fine, as long as I took it per the directions. I was so relieved. I downed those pills this afternoon as soon as I hung up the phone. I have shyed away from pills and medicine just because I don’t want to “break the baby” and now I know that its ok. Of course, on that same note, no matter how many times the books say its ok to have sex, its not the same as pain relief.

    I have an irrational fear of breaking the baby with sex. I know it. Too bad.

    So yesterday started our 18 weeks and we are so close to the halfway part. I admit, its gone by so much faster than I never thought it would. The closer the day comes, its another anxiety. I am reading up on and researching, mostly breastfeeding, because that’s the one thing I really want to do. I really just want to breastfeed – more than anything else. So, the more knowledge I have for this, the more I will be determined to get through whatever challenges we will face when that time comes.
    That’s the thoughts of the day.

    A Little Rounder … A Little Claustrophobic

    Its amazing to me how fast these past 17 weeks have gone by. Sunday will mark my pregnancy at 18 weeks. Babycenter.com says that the baby is the length of a bell pepper. Its just so remarkable the way that my body has also changed. My brain has really stayed pretty neutral, but my body says YOU’RE PREGNANT.

    Mostly, I still forget I am pregnant. At least in my mind. My body is starting to round out, my belly is starting to pop out. I took so simple pictures in the vanity mirror this morning and when I get a chance, I will post them. We are almost at the halfway mark and I have only gained 3 pounds, which according to my doctor is just where I need to be.

    UPS: We are paying off our rent issues now that my partner has gotten her disability approved. We are going to stay in our apartment until a 2 bedroom opens up or we can find a house. Things are looking up in the housing department right now.  I also applied for a new position within the company. I admit, I don’t believe I will be considered for it, but its nice to have a little hopefully wish in the back of my mind. I know I would be great in the position, but I don’t know how much criteria they will use to consider people.

    DOWNS: For one, I really feel claustrophobic in my own body. Its hard to breathe just sitting here typing this and god forbid I try to get out of bed, or even out of the couch. Climbing our three flights of stairs to get to the apartment is a joke.  I’m disappointed that we won’t be getting into a 2 bedroom as soon as I would like. I am looking forward to decorating the nursery. It is my most anticipated event in this pregnancy that will be put on the back burner for a bit.

    All in all, week 17 has been alright. Definitely better emotionally than last week. I admit, for the most part, I am just BLAH.

    I’m Obsessed With My Toilet Paper ….

    And Other Adventures in Being Pregnant
    Ok, so this week marks 16 weeks. Babycenter.com says that our little one is approximately the size of an avocado. This week I have been spending a lot of time on Babble.com. I found a really cute article over there. The blogger talks about how she can’t stop checking her toilet paper for spotting. I admit, in the beginning of this pregnancy, I found a light spotting and it freaked me out. Like I have said so many times before, I don’t have a second chance at this. I read the comments and such on the article, and even though my partner chastises me about it, I am not alone. There are women 20 and 30 weeks into their pregnancy and still checking their toilet paper. So, thanks to this article for making me realize I am obsessed, but I am not alone.
    All week, my partner and I have been looking forward to today. Today was … supposed to be the day we learned the sex of our baby. When we went to the doctor’s appointment today, we found out that we had been mistaken. Ugh. I heard that man tell me that we could set up the ultrasound next time we came in. However, he was being more literal than we were. So, instead of finding out the sex of our baby, we did listen to a nice strong heartbeat of 155 and made the appointment for the ‘anatomical scan’ in two weeks. Really … 2 weeks doesn’t seem like its that far away, but I have been waiting for it for over a month already.
    That brings me to my ups and downs for this week:
    UPS:
    1. My partner has gotten her disability through the government APPROVED. When we got the notice, I just couldn’t stop sobbing. I was so happy and I am pretty sure she was so shocked. It was our first attempt, but with 5 diagnoses, I guess, there should have been no doubt. This means we now have two incomes and that takes the pressure of me some.
    2. With the approval of her disability, I have come to terms with moving. I am actually excited. We are going to look at a place tomorrow morning. I am so ready to move. I can’t wait. We live in that one room apartment right now, and its just not big enough. I cannot wait to decorate a nursery. That’s my favorite plan of the week.
    DOWNS:
    1. I’m having trouble sleeping on the couch now. Not just the bed, but the couch. Its possible that its just not as cool in the living room as it is in the bedroom. Our apartment is regulated central air and I think they turned ours off. Which means, crap, I am sweating throughout the night and really, I am running hot anyway!
    2. Not being able to find out the gender of our little one. That is BY FAR the worst down of the week. It was so disappointing and my partner said it best, “It feels like someone took away my birthday.” We had been looking forward to it, and instead we have two more weeks to wait.
    Take Care until next time

    My Ultrasound Looks Like A Baby

    So, at our last appointment on Wednesday, we were going in to hear the heartbeat. I am 12 weeks and apparently this is when that sort of thing is done. There is not an ultrasound machine in the office, so I wasn’t really sure how this was going to work.

    We were talking to the doctor in the room and my partner decided to tell him that I am convinced that there is nothing in there. Now, that’s not altogether true. I believe there is probably something in there, but its hard to say if everything is ok. I am paranoid. He asked me why it was I felt that way. I simply said, its too early for me to feel anything as far as movement goes and frankly, I don’t feel that much different other than some tenderness and swollen feet.

    He proceeds to tell me that we will just listen to the heartbeat and put my mind at ease. He pulls out the little handheld and we get to work. My partner brought the camera, so we could capture the first heartbeats of our baby. Except ….

    The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. So much for putting my mind at ease. Instead he sent me downstairs to get an ultrasound for ‘viability’. That’s a scary word. I just want you to know how scary that word is. Let it sink in. VIABILITY. Scary. It just is.

    So, I was told I needed a full bladder, which I had that with the last two ultrasounds and knew ahead of time. The appointment for the ultrasound wasn’t for another hour. So I was drinking water and tea for about an hour and a half. By the time the ultrasound technician came to get me, not only was I anxious about ‘viability’ but I was about to wet myself.

    When we got back to the room, the technician told me that I could pee. I didn’t need to be ‘that full’. Son of a bitch. Why didn’t someone tell me that I could have peed thirty minutes ago?!

    Anyway, back to the ultrasound.

    She found the heartbeat and we got pictures. The heartbeat was 160 and the baby is measuring 13 weeks, which isn’t really the case until Sunday. I was so happy to see the baby moving around in there! I have never been more relieved in my life.

    The baby was waving its arms around and bending its knees to kick of the sides of things. It was doing flips in there and twisting and turning. I can’t imagine what it will be like when I can actually FEEL it, if this baby is that active now. I’m just glad that the baby is ok.

    The scanning is a little off, but here they are. Left: Profile, Right: Face
    In other baby news, I have been having ridiculous pains in my lower back and hips. Apparently, like everything else I am experiencing, its too early for that. My doctor just looks at me and says, “We have a long way to go.” Oy. So, he is sending me to physical therapy to get some stretches or something, because everytime I bend over, sit, or get out of a chair, my hips are killing me. Sometimes worse than others, but usually most of the time.
    Because I was supposed to schedule this appointment with physical therapy, I thought I should probably, finally, find out what my medical insurance covers for pregnancy and other assorted things. My partner says with 3 ultrasounds in 12 weeks, this baby is surely going to be a pain in the ass even outside the womb. With that in mind, I figured I better check.
    What I learned? I learned I have nearly met my $1000 deductible in 3 months with all the bills I have been accruing. Now .. don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that this was going to be expensive, but when I signed up for insurance, I didn’t consider having a baby that year. I nearly fell out of my chair when that woman told me I had already racked up nearly $1000 and I still have 6-7 months to go!
    Anyway, on the bright side, we have the baby we have been dreaming up growing and moving and shaking inside. I am not going to let a little thing like money get in our way. Today is the day I have decided to TRY and actually quit smoking. At the time of this post, I have yet to have a cigarette. SO, we will see how it goes when I get home.
    Wish me luck.
    On our next visit, in 4 weeks, we will be setting up an appointment to see what we are having!
    Take Care

    STOP talking to my fat.

    Seriously.

    I want to know when my belly became public property. I don’t understand, at what moment, I relinquished all of my personal space bubble. That bubble is mine. Its not yours.

    So, this means, that mostly, perfect strangers stop me in the hallway at work and talk to my stomach. They BEND OVER and put their face to my belly and TALK. Please tell me when this became socially appropriate. I don’t understand.

    On top of that, my baby is approximately … 1 to 2 inches. This means that even though my stomach is rounding out and I don’t have that big fold at my belly button anymore when I sit, the baby is not really big enough to be the cause. So, this means, these people are talking to my FAT. Really… they are not talking to my baby and its not cute anymore.

    My partner doesn’t even talk to my belly yet.

    So, now I really just want to request. I am the type of person who doesn’t really like a lot of attention on me. That means, that I don’t want people stopping me in the middle of a hallway or while I am on the phone to have a conversation with my fat. Its embarrassing.

    PREGNANCY UPDATE:

    • I am tired, but nothing terrible. I get sleepy around 7pm, and go to bed pretty late.
    • Got “Prenatal Yoga Deck” with 50 poses, breathing exercises, and meditations for pregnancy.
    • Got the “What to Expect, Pregnancy Journal and Organizer” which is awesome!
    • Craving gummy candy (ie. Gummy worms, Dots, Gummy Bears, etc.)
    • Listening to podcasts online on PregTastic.com
    • We are looking for a new place to live, which has been a challenge and has been the only thing that really gets me down right now. Disappointed really.
    • My relative is in the ICU and hopefully, from reports at home, she is getting better. Slowly but surely, hopefully, she will make it!

    Take Care
    XOXO

    I forget I’m Pregnant

    I tend to forget I am pregnant. Aside from the “I need a nap” days and the “My God my boobs are huge” days, I don’t feel any different. Its kind of odd.

    Its so odd that I am beginning to worry. I have experienced spotting and streaking and a little bit of black clotty stuff here and there and yet, the doctor, over the phone, techniquely through his nurse, says everything is fine unless I am gushing blood. My partner believes them, and she says I am just getting worked up for nothing. SO. I will calm the hell down.

    But! I admit, I haven’t vomited, except when I brush my teeth a few times, and I going through cycles of constipation/diarrea every three days. I will not feel better about this until I can feel my little one kick me. I know, most people don’t really relish in the idea of the baby kicking them, but given the way we did this, I just want the child to kick me. Just once.

    I know I should be counting my blessings that I am simply mildly nauseous, but I am not experiencing the morning, noon, and night sickness, but damnit, I really just am too freaked out.

    My mother and my sister, I can tell, think I am crazy, since I don’t eat tuna, and I don’t want a C-Section, and I don’t want to be induced, unless absolutely necessary, but frankly, I don’t care if they think I’m nuts. I don’t have a penis on speed dial. I really will be devastated if I lose this child.

    I have no indication that it will happen or that it is immenient, but I can’t be the ONLY first time mom out there who has panicked at the slightest hint of red or checked her toilet paper like a Nazi!

    We are on week 11 and the baby is ‘the size of a fig’ – now, I am incredibly glad that BabyCenter.com gave me a picture, because I personally had no idea what a fig looked like. Here’s a picture for you, in case, you too had no idea what a fig looked like.
    I am looking forward to my next doctor’s appointment at 12 weeks, which will be next week. We will get to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Until then, perhaps sooner.

    Family Reunion

    Things I get to discuss with family
    Most of my family know that I have been with my partner for 8 years. However, those same people have not really been around us on a regular basis. She and I live about 3 hours away from my immediate family and the rest of my family is dispersed throughout the state or country at any given time. I am headed to a family reunion this weekend and I am a little stressed out. I mean, I just don’t know if I am ready for all the questions, the looks, and the comments.
    When I went to my brother’s wedding there was comments about his ‘older sister being a dyke’ and my partner overheard it. Its not something I particularly like to hear about and yet, I also don’t want to stress out about it. This pregnancy is very early and I am not in any denial that I could very well miscarry at any time if I am not extremely careful.
    While I am happy about the way we went about conceiving this baby, I do not want to do it again. It was not fun. I am just glad we were blessed with it taking the first try. I also hope that means that I will have a baby that is resilient and I will go to full term without problems. That’s my biggest paranoia.
    Anyway, most family that I haven’t seen in a while are similiar to strangers or co-workers who have that one question: “How did this happen?” Which is just an annoying and very tactless question to ask. However, I will answer it, because its really simple and I sometimes like to make people feel stupid. Especially right now, when everything is annoying me.
    What I am really hoping is that I don’t have to pee fifteen times on the way there! Everything else, once we get there, I think I can handle!
    So, while, I don’t think that people are reading this blog really, wish me luck Internet. We are leaving for the family reunion in about 15 minutes and I am sure I will have tons of pictures and comments when I come back on Tuesday. 🙂