Letter to Christian Working Mothers

Yet, another article that is beautifully written has been marred by comments by the followers of God. The beginning of this article really spoke to me as a working mom and if you are one, you should read it. Here’s the perfect example of having agreements with those who are in the church about other things besides religion. 

However, there comes a side effect of the religious undertones of articles written like this. Marred in the comments are ‘well meaning’ Christian women who think they know what it’s like to be inside someone’s life. They use “God’s words” to make their veiled guilt-ridden comments and they use “God’s words” to throw a little judgement and a pinch of righteousness into an already guilt-ridden and emotional mother’s mind.

My heart goes out to those women who are shackled to the fear that their decision for their family is somehow inferior to those around them. This post is for you.

Dear Christian Working Mother,

I have known that guilt you feel. People tell you the guilt you feel is God’s way of telling you that you may be doing something wrong. Other Christian women are coming forward to tell you how your decision to work outside the home, may not be a good fit – and you shouldn’t ignore that guilty feeling in your gut.

Let me tell you something, ladies, working mothers feel guilt. It doesn’t matter if you are Christian or Atheist. It doesn’t matter if your child is newborn or young adult. A mother’s instinct is to care and nurture her child with her own two hands. To foster and delight in your child’s learning and teach your child the ways of your beliefs or non-beliefs.

We aren’t that different, you and I. The guilt a working mother feels, has nothing to do with religion. At the end of the day, the guilt you feel in your heart, those achy pangs of sadness come Monday morning has to do with being a mother. Carrying a child for 9 months gives you a special bond with that child – it’s a natural psychological response to want to be close to that child and have a hand in their daily lives.

Don’t let people use God to guilt you into doubting your decision to work outside the home. There are some, most likely just like you, who have no other choice.

Think for a moment, what happens if you give in to your guilt and you quit your job.

Will God put food in your child’s belly? Will He clothe your child and keep her warm from the coming winter fast approaching? Now you can hold your child in your arms all day long, but at what expense? Will you have a roof over your head? Will you have a car to drive him to all the playdates you so desperately want to attend?

I’m calling all Christian Mamas out there who work outside the home. I’m telling you that  you don’t have to feel guilty. This world is based in money. That’s an unfortunate fact and no matter how much you try, at the end of the day, your working puts food on the table and a roof over your child’s head.

It doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. It doesn’t speak to your greed or your priorities as a mother or a woman, it simply speaks to the necessity to do what is right for your family.

The harsh reality of this world is that it doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not. The bill collectors are still calling. The house payment is still due. The medical bills are still calling out to you from when little Johnny broke his arm last year. Those things are going away, it’s not by some miracle of God going to disappear.

I commend the writer of the original article. She has beautiful words for the working mother. All working mothers can relate to the feelings she describes. Her words are written more eloquently than mine are, because now, I’m more interested in giving you a real good shake.

Don’t let people guilt you. Don’t let people doubt you. Don’t let people tear you down.

And to those women who think they are helping by adding more stress and worry onto women who are only doing what’s necessary for their children and their family. Shame on you. You don’t walk in their shoes, don’t presume to know who they are. Just because you have been stirred with what you call the duty to spread God’s message, doesn’t mean you have to put it on the heart of a fellow woman already struggling.

At the end of the day, what does the Bible say Jesus preached? Love and compassion. Not guilt and judgement. Seek to find the same level of belief and standards you hold these women to. Seek to walk in the way that Jesus walked, or don’t say anything at all.

Working moms, of all beliefs and family dynamics. You are struggling. You are doubting. You are heartbroken. But remember this above all. You are important. You are loved. You are appreciated. Your struggles don’t go unnoticed. Your doubting has no foundation. Your heart will mend each time with the happy smile of your child when you walk through the door. Your heart can withstand, your child is learning valuable lessons from you. Teach your child the idea of standing on your own two feet, doing what is necessary, and caring for the lives you have brought into this world and keeping them safe, warm, and happy!

Let’s all give a little more compassion to our fellow mothers. Regardless of our beliefs. Regardless of our decisions. Regardless of how we raise our families. Regardless of how we got here, we are all mothers. Let’s stop this war against each other. Let’s stop the judgement and start appreciating one another. Let’s stop the guilt and start learning from one another. Let’s stop the advice and start listening to one another.

Let’s just be women. Caring for our children. Doing what is in our heart and our soul to do on pure instinct.

Love one another.

Why The Church Lost My Daughter

This article came over on my Facebook feed today. It talks about why millennials are leaving the church. It says in essence that most of the people in my age group or younger are leaving the church because religion has taken on more of a political stance than a faith stance. Instead of teaching their followers to love thy neighbor, they are teaching their followers to ‘hate the sin”. Instead of teaching their followers to have compassion for the whore, they are teaching their followers to condemn and judge, when that is only God’s job according to the Bible.

Of course, we are also leaving the church because we feel like there is a strict line between faith and science and we can’t have both. We can’t ask questions. We can’t be curious. We can’t have doubt. So, basically, instead of feeling bad for having doubt, I just decided that my doubt must be real and it just doesn’t exist.

I’ve felt the after effects of being a loyal church goer and follower of Jesus. I’ve felt the aftermath of leaving the church and suddenly feeling lost and confused. Of course, the followers of the church would say the lost feeling is because you don’t have Jesus in your life anymore and you are feeling it.

Instead, I say, I felt the aftermath of brainwashing. My brain and body was programmed from a very young age how to act, feel, and think. When I rebelled against that, my body went into shock. That’s an emotional response. That’s a physical response. It’s a psychological  response to my damaged brain finally taking control. It’s a kind of battle that will stay forever in my mind. that back and forth kind of battle. So far, I’m winning the war, but the battles … that pit in your stomach. That heavy feeling in your chest. The battle of wills in your mind. All part of the deprogramming of the mind when it comes to any kind of mind control. The church is a great example of mind control.

When you teach a child from the beginning that they are not to ask questions, just have faith. When you teach a child that they only need to trust in the leaders of the church, no need to trust in their own thought. When you teach a child the only way to be ‘saved’ is to follow the teachings and use guilt and fear to make them behave and think a certain way.

Like it or not, this is brainwashing. This mind control. In the end, it doesn’t matter what the beliefs of the church really are, whether they follow the Bible or not. The Bible is the excuse, the ‘teachings of Jesus” are the front for what is real. Church leaders only need to use mind control tactics to make you believe whatever they want. To make you act however they want. By the time they have all the pieces in place, they can tell you that God is going to change the sky from blue to cotton candy pink and if they do their job right, you believe them. You can’t possibly wait for the “miracle”

It’s kind of like when people blame the gays for hurricanes and natural disasters. Yes. God did that. Because of the gays. That’s compassion right there. And how may Christians actually believe this nonsense?  You’d be surprised.

How many church goers use the Bible as their tool, but they don’t really follow the teachings of Jesus that is written plainly in the black and white text?

THIS is why the church has lost my daughter. I refuse to subject her to the mind control of the church. I refuse to let her go through the withdrawal symptoms of mind control. I am seeing an increase of parents in my age group who feel the same way. We are thinking more about teaching our kids to think for themselves and release their kids from the idea of attaching their feelings to a belief in God or church.

I know for me, it’s not worth it to scar Punky with the inevitable. She will be told her parents are not natural, she will be told that she doesn’t have a legit family. I am not about to allow her to be subject to something as damaging as that. Her moms love her just as much as any family headed by a mom and dad. The kinds of thoughts that are taught and embedded in a child’s brain are not something I care to have in my daughter’s head.

We can teach our children morals without any form of church or God to be associated with. Children are taught to believe in something. Children are taught to think how their parents believe. Children are hardwired to please adults. I will not take advantage of her tiny mind. I will not subject her to any of the mind games that we adults play. I will let her question thing. I will let her be curious.

I don’t want topics to be taboo. I don’t want her feelings to be taboo. I don’t want her to be ashamed. I don’t want her to feel guilty for the way she thinks or who she wants to be. Which is why – unlike the church – I will teach her free will. In the Bible, it is taught that God created us with free will. To try and take away a person’s free will is completely backwards.

So instead of focusing on politics and agendas, both sides of the religious debate could learn from each other. Partner with each other. Instead of playing head games and a battle of wills, come together and put differences aside and work on what is important – compassion, love, and kindness to all human beings as we are all the same on the inside.

This is what I’m teaching my daughter, what about you? Regardless of your religious preferences, I promise to teach my kid to treat your children with respect and dignity. If we can all promise to teach the new generation of children to love thy neighbor and withhold judgement when possible, we can achieve a better world.

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Hope you had a great weekend and to those with cycles up in the air, good luck and good vibes are being sent from us to you! ❤

A Day In The Life of Punky – 15 months old

So the last time I did one of these posts was nearly 9 months ago on Punky’s half birthday. So much has changed in that time! Get ready for a photo intense post.

Please excuse the mess of my living room. This kid literally drags out all her toys and makes sure there is no shortage of fishes, crackers, and cookie crumbs on our floor.

I put time stamps on these pictures, but just know that sometimes she’s not literally doing the current picture to the next one. Sometimes I got distracted and she moves faster than I can really capture in real time.

These are pretty much unedited as far as pictures go. And some may be blurry – blame it on the very fast movements of my toddler and the slowness of my camera to keep up!

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10:26 AM – I had been up enjoying a little Facebook since 8AM but then a heard a squeak from Punky’s room. I opened the door to this, dancing and adorable little one.

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10:27AM – We laid on the spare bed in her bedroom and changed her diaper. At the time, that diaper did in fact make her butt look big.

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10:31AM – After getting a nice clean booty, we headed into the living room (AKA Punky’s playroom) to get some breakfast in the form of a cereal bar and a sippy of milk.

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10:50 AM – Mommy gets some breakfast too and sits down to check on Facebook stuff. Punky takes the time to eat her cereal bar and watch a little Kai Lan on Nick Jr.

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11:18 AM – Mommy had to go to the bathroom which means Punky must accompany her! Look, her very own potty to sit on.

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I had to share this picture too, she’s so happy to be sitting on her potty and she started laughing and clapping. Oh, the fun we have in the bathroom …..

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11:25 AM – Mommy thought she might get in a little Sims 3 time while the toddler played with her toys. She’s so independent when it comes to playing. She had to come show me her sunglasses though! She can now put them on all by herself.

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When I told her they were on upside down, she basically looked at me like I was the weirdo.

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11:29 AM – Punky moved on from sunglasses to playing with her activity cube that her aunt and uncle got her for her birthday. It may be on it’s side, but she loves it.

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11:43AM – Of course, in the world of toddlers, one activity doesn’t last very long. Soon enough she has moved from activity cube to riding her horse through the land of the Fresh Beat Band.

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12:07 PM – I turn around from my Sims 3 and find that Punky thinks this blue ring might make an excellent ankle bracelet. She does try so very hard to shove it around her foot. Without much success, but lots of laughs from Mommy.

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12:18 PM – She moves quickly to her flash cards. I’m surprised that most of them are still in tact. Some of them are not, but most of them are still in tact and she loves looking at them.

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12:41 PM – Taking a sip of Mommy’s Cola before naptime. I don’t actually think she got any, but she did want a sip, there wasn’t much left, so I let her get a sip. I’m pretty sure she thinks this is the coolest thing ever, to get to drink out of a can.

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12:43 PM – I muttered the word Nap and she let that non-existant Cola fuel her flight from me! She took off and headed up the couch in her escape. Little did she know that I was faster and there isn’t really any way out from UP.

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1:02 PM – A quick run around the living room and a diaper change later, we refueled her sippy cup and headed off to her bedroom for a nap. She laid there and was not at all thrilled, see how she threw her baby off to the side. I knew she was going to fight the nap.

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1:51 PM – She sensed her Mama woke up around 1:30 PM and thought it would be a brilliant idea to squeal until she came and got her out of bed. Mommy was not agreeable to this, and by the look on Punky’s face, she knows who won!

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1:55 PM – Upon being told that she should really still be napping and shouldn’t be up yet, she decided to charm Mommy with a nice little game of Peek-A-Boo around the laptop!

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1:55 PM – After she knew she had engaged me in a nice game – she gave me a cute cheeky smile and I knew she was definitely staying up until she felt like going to sleep.

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2:17 PM – Once she got Mommy’s go ahead to stay awake, we played “Capture the Kid On Camera” for a good 10 minutes, this was the best shot I got.

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2:18 PM – Once she took the sunglasses off, she decided to inspect one of the holes in my laptop. Just some hole for her to stick her finger in.

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She also took that same finger and wanted to make sure I knew where her “Eye” is. She is so cute when she says it and then pokes herself right in the eye.

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2:27 PM – Punky took it upon herself to sit in the middle of all her toys and play with the big spinning toy that makes animal noises. She could be heard saying “Bzzz” and “Oo, Oo”

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2:52 PM – Punky and Mama attempted to reach Grammy and Papa via Skype. They just live across town, but we thought maybe a little phone call on the computer was in order. Sometimes, I wish my mom had internet so we could Skype, she lives much farther away.

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2:57 PM – Punky finds it hilarious to see Grammy and Papa in the computer. Got ahold of Grammy and played peek-a-boo, we blew some kisses, and sang some songs with her and Papa.

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3:38 PM – HIt her head on something and went to her Mama and sippy for comfort before going back and doing it again.

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3:37 PM – Still going strong without a nap. A good “Jack and the Neverland Pirate” episode that made both baby and Mommy sing and dance along with the kid pirates.

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3:46 PM – Talented little one is going to ride her rocking horse backwards. I am just waiting for a toddler to fall into a gate and go boom!

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Shortly after being unsuccessful at riding her rocking horse backwards, Punky thought she might like to hang out with Mommy on the couch. That required her to climb. Her most favorite thing to do.

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3:47 PM – She tried a few different tactics to get up on the couch, including this interesting little roll to get up on the couch.

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3:51 PM – Punky made it up there, but it wasn’t to hang out with Mommy. She just wanted to hang out on the recliner of my couch seat. But, just having her close was good enough for Mommy.

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4:47 PM – Around 4 ish, Mommy and baby got in our swimsuits and took a little dip in the pool. She was not thrilled to come back inside, but I got to snap a little picture before we changed her out of her wet suit.

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4:40 PM – When we got back in the bedroom to change her out of her clothes, she was very much ready to get out of them, rolling around in the towel.

5:09 PM – Instead of being backwards, she will just watch her Disney Jr. backwards on her rocking horse.

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5:37 PM – Since today was a no naptime day, I am starting to see the first inklings of sleepy Punky! She is rubbing her eyes and getting all cranky!

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5:38 PM – She thought she might just rest her head on the recliner of the couch for just a moment .. I thought maybe she might fall asleep. Not my kid – she never really sleeps anywhere but her bed!

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5:39 PM – Instead, she chose to do something like baby yoga on the couch recliner. I am not really sure what she’s doing to be honest. …

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5:40 PM – Oh, nope, she just thought she might rest her head a minute before standing up and dancing on the recliner of the couch. She is determined to fall and bust her head open, definitely trying to give Mommy a heart attack.

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6:12 PM – I stopped taking pictures for a moment and when I looked up, there she was – hanging out on the toybox. Like she doesn’t have enough toys on the floor, now she wants to play with the blocks on the top.

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6:22 PM – Punky got scooped up by her Mama and they played in the spinning office chair for a bit. Up and down, back and forth. She was a giggly little one by the end of this session. This is the clearest picture I got.

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6:26 PM – The next three pictures are really all the same time frame. Our child decided it might be fun to roll around on the couch. She moved from this position …

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To this one .. I’m not sure what she’s looking at on the ceiling. From here ….

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She moved to this one for half a second. This kid is always on the move. It didn’t really last long on the couch, but it was fun to watch her flip around and roll from one position to the next.

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6:38 PM – She found one of her very old binkies in her toybox where she likely threw it .. or hid it .. for future days – like now. She never really took a binky, so it’s always surprising to me when she sticks it in her mouth. Of course, she had in in backwards before this shot.

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6:51 PM – Mama made a delicious Italian Spaghetti dish. This munchkin chowed down on the noodles. We thought about using utensils, but when I put them in her hands, she looks at me like I’m dumb and tends to fling food onto our carpet.

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6:55 PM – We took her shirt off for this dinner, there was no need for her white shirt getting all ruined. It’s not like we have a washing machine in our apartment!

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7:35PM – After dinner we took the rocking horse for a ride. Sitting on it properly.

Around 7:40 PM when she was done eating, my camera decided it needed to be charged! For real?!

Charged up the camera and then it was time for the bedtime routine to commence.

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8:09 PM – Let’s play a little peek-a-boo before the bedtime diaper change. She gets so darn squirrely towards the end of her day. This is pretty darn good for no nap!

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8:11 PM – After diaper change and all is good, she goes straight for Mama for playtime and reading. This is how we start our bedtime routine, since she just learned how to climb up onto the bed all by herself!

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8:11 PM – This is her “I’m gonna get my Mama” face. She thinks she’s sneaky, but we can all see that Mama is watching her closely. She’s all knees and elbows flying everywhere right now!

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8:12 PM – She settles in for a nice book and a tug on Horton’s nose. She loves this book. It makes her giggle when I tickle her face with the nose.

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8:13 PM – We asked her where Horton’s eyes were, she likes to poke him, pretty violently with those little fingers and giggle. I am not sure if I should be concerned yet.

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8:14 PM – We moved on to her newspaper. This is a great little toy that I found at a local book store. She can learn all the animals and sounds. So far she can point out the horse and the cow. She can also tell me where her shirt and her pants are from playing with this newspaper. And, she learned how to say “Ball” from this little gem.

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8:16 PM – Mommy thought her hair was too long for this little friend – but that stray hair just made an appearance tonight and decided to hang out with us for bedtime.

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8:24 PM – After much reading of the newspaper and jumping on the bed, it was time to start tickles and wrestling with Mama. This is pretty much one of her favorite things to do. AND if she was still full of energy, after her Mama gets done with her, she is exhausted.

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8:25 PM – No bedtime playtime could be complete without Punky being turned upside down and tickled at least three times.

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8:27 PM – I asked her where her tongue is and she chose to show me her Mama’s tongue instead. I’m sure by now, this kid was tired of seeing Mommy’s camera in her face.

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8:30 PM – We also must have jumping on the bed at some point in the bedtime playtime routine. Of course, right now, her jumping looks more like running in place. But, it’s ever so adorable!

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8:36 PM – A little past her normal bedtime, we generally wind down around 8:25, but tonight we played a little longer. It looks like we are torturing her, but really, we are just brushing the teeth! She tends to run away when Mama doesn’t hold her for this piece of bedtime routine.

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8:37 PM – Once Mommy washes off the toothbrush and grabs her bedtime drink, it’s time for the light ceremony. Turn off the Mommies’ bedroom light. And give Mommy and Mama a bedtime kiss!

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8:38 PM – Turn off her own bedroom light and head to bed with sippy in hand.

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8:39 PM – Get covered up and Mommy makes sure she has her baby. This shot was in complete darkness with flash. I had no idea what I was going to get. Good night, Punky. It was quite the eventful day.

I’d love to see a day in the life of your child? What do you do with your kid on a weekend! This is my day off and this is how I spend it – observing my little one and entertaining her when she needs it, which is usually not very often. I swear she never really wants to play with me!

So, who’s next?

Let’s Talk About Bullies

This has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. In a world where there are parents teaching their kids it’s ok to use their fists to fight their battles. Where parents are teaching kids that people unlike themselves are weird. We are teaching kids that you must be exactly the same as everyone else and if you aren’t, you shouldn’t be friends.

Just a few months ago, I had a conversation with a certain five year old about how weird ‘geeks’ are. EW!

I was appalled at the words coming out of this little girl’s mouth. I’m a geek, I said. That’s certainly not a lie. I love all things fantasy and Dr. Who is slowly getting me hooked on the science coolness of things. She said, “NO. No you are not!” She sounds disgusted and I wondered how she treated her classmates in regards to such a word. I’m raising my own kiddo to be a geek.

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Instead of celebrating the differences in people, we have kids calling each other “fags” in the hallway. Using “gay” as a term to be used as stupid or insignificant. Kids are taught in church and in the home that you shouldn’t be friends with anyone who is a ‘sinner’ and doesn’t believe in God like you do. (side note: I was told this in my own Sunday School class. I was told to steer clear of those who don’t believe in God. When I challenged that with questions, I got strange looks and was made to feel small and ashamed for questioning.)

Instead of teaching kids to think for themselves, we are telling them how they should feel. How they should behave. How they should believe. We are breeding intolerance. We are breeding acceptance to violence. We are breeding a generation of kids who will use their fists instead of their resources. Instead of their words.

I feel like some parents are playing the part of bullies. When  you tell your child that they must ‘stand up for yourself’ and not be a ‘pussy’ you are using negative terms to force your kid to feel bad about their walking away from confrontation. When we tell our kids it’s not ok to ‘narc’ they feel less empowered to tell an adult about the bullying.

This leaves them with little to no choices. Ignoring, walking away, and telling an adult has all been proven to help diminish the power a bully has over a child. Bullies need to feel power over something, they need to have a reaction. If they don’t get one, logic would say they will get bored. Why are we taking away our children’s only ammo to defend against bullies and ‘stand up for themselves.”

Bullying starts with the parents. Let your kids be themselves. Let your kids think for themselves. Build up their self-esteem so they are confident in who they are. Be an open book, let your kid know you are there to answer their questions and to talk about anything they need to talk about. Demonstrate ways to resolve conflict without raising your voice and without violence. Demonstrate in your home how to tell an adult about harmful things without being a ‘narc.’

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Our kids will always encounter a bully. Whether in school or at work. As a child or an adult. Bullies are everywhere because in the end, their parents taught them it’s ok to use violence and negativity to get what they want out of people. It’s our job as parents to curb this and stop teaching our kids that it’s ok to bully people into doing what they want. It’s our job as parents to build up our kids’ self esteem so bullies have no ammo and no way to trigger a negative response from our kids.

As a lesbian mom, I know my kid will have some questions about her family and I anticipate that her classmates are being taught that her parents are not legally married and they are not the same. My biggest fear is that this sweet daughter of mine will be the victim of bullying. I am at a loss, because of my own upbringing, how to handle a bullying situation without standing up and using your fists.

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When I say she can just tell her a teacher or an adult, I remember that when I was in school, the teachers didn’t really do much or were not very effective. Also, I remember being told that if you ‘tattle’ you were a narc and it could increase the bullying later.

(edited: in response to Ashley’s comment below, she made me think!)

There is a fine line between bullying and sticking up for yourself. The problem is that there has to be a better solution other than violence for violence; an eye for an eye. I want my kid to defend herself, but can we not teach our kids there are more acceptable ways of doing that without hitting back. I was brought up that if someone hits you, hit them back. That was acceptable. However, I’m beginning to wonder if that was a good idea on my parents’ part. We were taught it’s ok to fight back, but 9 times out of 10, those kids who ‘hit back’ are the ones punished. So then, what lesson does that teach the victims of bullying.

At such a young age, can we not try and teach our kids that hitting isn’t acceptable regardless of the receiving end of the violence. If we allow this behavior at school age, do we then say it’s ok to hit me when you’re a teenager if you don’t agree with something? Do we then give the impression to our children that it’s alright to break the law just because we don’t think they are fair? Where’s the line where authority is respected and not just another person to blame or pin bullying on?

We are the parents who shape the new generation of children. Let’s change the way kids treat one another.

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The line blurs in the minds of little ones. It is bound to get confusing for them when they are told they can hit back and stand up for themselves, but yet they can’t back talk their parents and they can’t say no to their teachers whether they agree or not. Why is is acceptable for the children to hit back, but not to talk about how they feel, talk about how they want things to be, how they think the world around them should be shaped.

I just feel like this bullying epidemic should open up the lines of communication between parent and child. We should sit our kids down and say, “Hitting is never ok. You are better than that. Use your words. Tell someone. Talk to someone.”

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So how do we help our kids who are bullied? How do we help our kids from being a bully? I was a bully in my day, I certainly don’t want to repeat that in my kid. I also don’t want her to feel like her worth is tied up in violence and that’s the only way she can stand up for herself. I don’t want her to feel a sense of accomplishment when she beats someone up, either in retaliation or provocation.

So moms, tell me, how do you deal with the topic of bullying and if you aren’t moms of school age children yet, have you thought of a plan of attack yet?

Realistic Expectations

So, usually, I have a reason for my posts, something that I want to talk about. Then my partner, K brought up that I don’t talk about the bad times. The times when I am so freaking overwhelmed with my life as a woman, a lesbian, a mother, a partner, a working mom, as a daughter, as a human being with injustices. I am always filled with love and butterflies when I talk about my daughter and our life as a family.

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Realistically, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows.

Realistically, it’s a hard road we travel on sometimes.

Realistically, it’s not always the easiest thing to come home from work.

Realistically, it’s not the happiest moment to go to work.

Realistically, I want to get married and have a protection set for my family if something happens to me. The weight on my shoulders, as the biological mother to our daughter, leaves me with stress and worry about something happening to me on a regular basis.

The what – if’s and the rants and the thoughts and the questions will never be satisfied until they come to pass. Until the day I can say, “Finally, our family is the same as yours.”

This stems from a lot of things, the Supreme Court hearings and the lack of sleep due to a teething toddler.

Mostly, it started when I realized,  our medical insurance is moving to a high deductible plan. This plan will be administered by the rules of the government. Which means, because K is not my tax dependent, I can’t cover her like I would be able to if she was a male. This isn’t the fault of the entity providing my insurance, they allow me to add my same-sex domestic partner on their coverage. However, the government will not recognize this.

My partner has a multitude of illnesses that require her therapy and prescriptions that we could not afford if we didn’t have insurance. We are seriously looking at the fact that we won’t have insurance for her soon. That is a scary thing. She’s the stay at home mommy and I am sure that not having her therapy and prescriptions will negatively affect her and Punky.

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So, yes, I am stressed out. Yes, I am worried. Yes, I am trying my best to hold that together, because I just don’t understand why things are so unfair. Why can’t we just have the same thing as married straight couples? Because GOD said it’s not right?

Has anyone actually had a conversation with GOD? Has GOD made my family’s well-being His personal mission? It’s okay to pick and choose what we feel GOD thinks is right or wrong and only use the pieces we like? When is that acceptable in any circumstance? It’s not.

I have no problems with anyone who believes in GOD. I have no problems with people who want to worship as they wish. But, just because I don’t believe the same thing you do, doesn’t mean I am not entitled to the same rights as you.

I am still a human being. I was still created by your GOD. I was still made in HIS image and should be afforded the same rights to happiness and kindness and love. At least, that’s what people in the church say.

GOD loves everyone. GOD made everyone. GOD doesn’t make mistakes. GOD can be the only judge. GOD is love and kindness and mercy.

And then, the church spits on me. Instead of treating me with love. Instead of saying I’m made in the way that god made me and the way I was supposed to be, everything happens for a reason. Was my being gay, specifically for me to go to HELL? Really? God made certain people to just punish them ultimately in the end?

That doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me.

 

This is my main stress in my life right now. Add on top of this the fact that we have a toddler going through a lot of changes. She is teething hardcore. She’s also been taken off of formula and drinks at bed.

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She has been moved to regular milk during the day, but we are trying to get her out of the habit of drinking something at bed. That’s been kind of a pain in the ass right now. But, mostly because she’s teething and I know that’s part of the problem.

It will pass. I’m sure. We got her teething necklace in the mail today, so I will be anxious to see if this amber necklace works. I’m curious to hear from other mamas who have tried them. I have heard nothing but good things about them.

Maybe soon, we can get back to this face:

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Dear Peyton – A Year Has Gone By

Dear Peyton,

It’s been a long time since I have written a letter to you and I think I will do that now. Mommy is still in awe of you. I am still trying to wrap my head around the little baby that has suddenly grown into a toddler. It still brings me to tears when I see you playing with your toys in the middle of the living room floor and it still brightens my day when you laugh out loud.

It’s such an exciting time for our family right now. Just in terms of the things you are doing. We just celebrated your first birthday, and what a first birthday it was! You are walking like a little pro now, though I really wish you would learn how to watch where you are walking. It may have saved a few chin and forehead bruises if you wouldn’t just trample everything in your path. I hope you are learning that your toy box is bigger than you, and you can’t just walk into it and expect it to move.

Mommy is really concerned about making the transition from formula to real milk. I know you like real milk, but we always said we wouldn’t put you to bed with a drink. We have been doing that up until this little conversation. I’m really afraid if we take that bottle away, your sleep routine will fly out the window. I sure hope I don’t have to sit through another round of crying it out.

While we are on the subject of crying it out, I want you to know that I felt super guilty about that, but I don’t regret it. I want you to know that I am certain you will have no long lasting negative effects because you cried it out as a baby. I also want to thank you for taking it easy on my heart and only having to cry it out for a few days before you got the hang of that sleep thing. If you could, please give Mommy’s heart a break if we have to do it again. You have been so great at that.

Since I am bringing up things you can consider giving your moms a break on; let’s work on not throwing our food on the floor. You see that your moms eat with fork and spoon, and though you still eat with your fingers, it would really help me out, if you could leave the food on your high chair tray. I know you think the cats are hungry, I promise they are not. Look at Kane, he’s twice the size of a normal cat! He really doesn’t need your help, sweetie. Besides, if you throw your food on the floor, Mommy has to spend time away from playing with you to clean it up.

I love sitting in the floor and rolling the ball around. I look forward to taking you to Gymboree, which is why I get so frustrated when you won’t take a nap and we can’t go! I absolutely can’t wait until I get off work and I can come home to sing and dance to the Giggle Bellies with you. I know I am not home with you as often as I would like, and it hurts my heart most days.

However, just remember, that I will spend as much time as I can with you and in the next few months, with summer coming, we will make special trips to the park a regular thing on the weekends. I can’t wait until we can go out for ice cream when you can spoon feed yourself!

After this first year has now flown by, I am beginning to realize that I have a daughter. An actual daughter. I have always known, logically, that I have a daughter. Now, I can let that sink in emotionally. I have a daughter and I will be able to raise you in ways I never was. I can spend time with you in ways that I didn’t have.

I have to apologize now, you will have the childhood I didn’t have growing up. I hope you will find it in your heart to be patient with me. To let me live through you. We will do things I didn’t do, we will experience things I didn’t experience. I will make sure you have plenty of moments in your life that you can look back and say, “I was a happy kid.” that’s all I ever want for you. To be a happy kid.

Love,

Mommy