Realistic Expectations

So, usually, I have a reason for my posts, something that I want to talk about. Then my partner, K brought up that I don’t talk about the bad times. The times when I am so freaking overwhelmed with my life as a woman, a lesbian, a mother, a partner, a working mom, as a daughter, as a human being with injustices. I am always filled with love and butterflies when I talk about my daughter and our life as a family.

peyton2

 

Realistically, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows.

Realistically, it’s a hard road we travel on sometimes.

Realistically, it’s not always the easiest thing to come home from work.

Realistically, it’s not the happiest moment to go to work.

Realistically, I want to get married and have a protection set for my family if something happens to me. The weight on my shoulders, as the biological mother to our daughter, leaves me with stress and worry about something happening to me on a regular basis.

The what – if’s and the rants and the thoughts and the questions will never be satisfied until they come to pass. Until the day I can say, “Finally, our family is the same as yours.”

This stems from a lot of things, the Supreme Court hearings and the lack of sleep due to a teething toddler.

Mostly, it started when I realized,  our medical insurance is moving to a high deductible plan. This plan will be administered by the rules of the government. Which means, because K is not my tax dependent, I can’t cover her like I would be able to if she was a male. This isn’t the fault of the entity providing my insurance, they allow me to add my same-sex domestic partner on their coverage. However, the government will not recognize this.

My partner has a multitude of illnesses that require her therapy and prescriptions that we could not afford if we didn’t have insurance. We are seriously looking at the fact that we won’t have insurance for her soon. That is a scary thing. She’s the stay at home mommy and I am sure that not having her therapy and prescriptions will negatively affect her and Punky.

peyton3

So, yes, I am stressed out. Yes, I am worried. Yes, I am trying my best to hold that together, because I just don’t understand why things are so unfair. Why can’t we just have the same thing as married straight couples? Because GOD said it’s not right?

Has anyone actually had a conversation with GOD? Has GOD made my family’s well-being His personal mission? It’s okay to pick and choose what we feel GOD thinks is right or wrong and only use the pieces we like? When is that acceptable in any circumstance? It’s not.

I have no problems with anyone who believes in GOD. I have no problems with people who want to worship as they wish. But, just because I don’t believe the same thing you do, doesn’t mean I am not entitled to the same rights as you.

I am still a human being. I was still created by your GOD. I was still made in HIS image and should be afforded the same rights to happiness and kindness and love. At least, that’s what people in the church say.

GOD loves everyone. GOD made everyone. GOD doesn’t make mistakes. GOD can be the only judge. GOD is love and kindness and mercy.

And then, the church spits on me. Instead of treating me with love. Instead of saying I’m made in the way that god made me and the way I was supposed to be, everything happens for a reason. Was my being gay, specifically for me to go to HELL? Really? God made certain people to just punish them ultimately in the end?

That doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me.

 

This is my main stress in my life right now. Add on top of this the fact that we have a toddler going through a lot of changes. She is teething hardcore. She’s also been taken off of formula and drinks at bed.

Peytoncry

She has been moved to regular milk during the day, but we are trying to get her out of the habit of drinking something at bed. That’s been kind of a pain in the ass right now. But, mostly because she’s teething and I know that’s part of the problem.

It will pass. I’m sure. We got her teething necklace in the mail today, so I will be anxious to see if this amber necklace works. I’m curious to hear from other mamas who have tried them. I have heard nothing but good things about them.

Maybe soon, we can get back to this face:

peyton1

Time Has Gone Too Fast!

I’m frantically trying to get everything ready for Punky’s party. She is for real going to be ONE in two days. Her party is on Sunday. I have a complete and utter extravaganza planned …. in my head. Yes, I know, I know, you would think with the party date looming I would have more done! Well, I’m the worst procrastinator EVER.

Anyway, Punky is starting to have conversations with me and it’s damn adorable. I just can’t believe we are approaching the one year mark. It’s coming up so quickly that I just stand in awe and look at her sometimes. She toddles across the living room with no problems. I walk in the door from work and she looks up and smiles. And she SAYS HI. Like actually vocalizes the word HI.

F’ing astonishing! Really.

I swear I still can’t believe we have a kid. I am still living in the biggest dream state and have been living there for nearly 2 years since we found out we were pregnant. I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away. I’m in complete amazement that the impossible has become impossible.

We have been one of the luckiest couples on the planet. We have an amazing and incredibly generous donor who asks for nothing in return. We conceived the very first attempt. I had no complications or morning sickness during pregnancy (unless you count sleeping on the couch for 8 of the 9 months), my labor was easy peasy (with the help of an epidural, which was the most traumatic part), our kid is the best sleeper in the world and has been from day one, she freaking listens and comprehends, she loves the camera which is awesome since I take a ton of pictures!

Anyway, I suppose what I am really getting at is that this has been one whirlwind of a ride and I am so glad we have this little one in our lives. She is my very heartbeat. My soul. My breath.

Can you find our daughter?

Can you find our daughter?CIMG4608 CIMG4606

 

ABCs of Parenthood

abcs

Click to Make Bigger

 

This last year has been a whirlwind of mistakes and learning. It’s been a year of new experiences, great advice, not so great advice, debates and discussions. I have compiled the list into an easy ABCs of Parenthood. It also gave me a chance to use some of my new found awesome fonts in Photoshop!

30 Things I Hope To Teach My Daughter

  1. Be Yourself.
  2. Don’t try to please everyone.
  3. Make mistakes.
  4. Learn from those mistakes.
  5. Question everything.
  6. Always remember your manners.
  7. Remember, there is someone out there worse off than you.
  8. Smile at strangers.
  9. Love yourself. If you don’t, how can  you ask someone else to love you?
  10. You are worth more than sex.
  11. Strive for more than mediocre.
  12. Love is not a fairytale. Real love is hard work.
  13. Respect and appreciate your teachers.
  14. Read a good book.
  15. Find your passion.
  16. Do for friends what you can.
  17. Lend things without expecting it back – this means money.
  18. Keep secrets close to your heart.
  19. Don’t be afraid to ask your true friends for help.
  20. Learn the art of silence.
  21. Open doors for people.
  22. Offer to carry a heavy load.
  23. Call and check on a family member.
  24. Be kind to animals and the elderly.
  25. Let someone cut in line.
  26. Don’t be a bully and stand up to those who are bullies.
  27. Learn to write with pen and paper.
  28. If you want people to take you seriously, learn to spell, don’t rely on spell check.
  29. Vowels are important. Use them.
  30. Never give up, you are better than that.

The Lament of a Working Mommy

To Punky, in the wee hours of the morning, 

I find myself getting ready for work and I get to peek in on you for just a short moment. I brush my fingers through your hair and I tell you to give Mommy just a few minutes and I will get your bottle. 

While I fill the bottle in the kitchen, I can hear your soft cries, while you lay in your bed in the dark. I smile to myself, because one day you will know what it means when I say, “Give me a minute.” 

Every morning I return to your bedroom, the same way as yesterday, and you smile up at me though sleepy tears and we start the day with the same routine as days gone by. 

Clean butt and a warm belly full of milk and off to bed again you go. I kiss your cheeks and whisper “I love you” before I lay you back down and cover you up. I find myself looking down on you, just one last time before I have to close the door and leave for the day.

All day long, I think of you. I tell stories about you. You are the mascot of my team at work. They all look forward to new stories and pictures, OR, they simply indulge my new mommy ways of pushing you on people.

I count the minutes until I get to come home. 8-5 is way too long, before I finally get to drive home and eat dinner with you. Those 8 hours when I don’t know what you are doing. When I can’t see your little face. When you can’t drive me crazy and make me frustrated. 

At work I wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you are thinking of me. Do you worry that Mommy won’t come home? Do you look for me? I wonder what you think of during the day. What new things you are learning. What fun things you are doing.

I wonder what I miss.

Our Trip to Gymboree

Punky and I spend Saturdays together. She and I usually leave the house in the afternoon and give her Mama time to sleep in and take a break. Mama stays home with Punky while I go to work because her Bipolar disorder doesn’t allow her to work right now. It makes for a great financial situation that we don’t have to employ daycare, however, it makes me nervous about Punky’s socialization.

She will be a year old in just a few short weeks. She doesn’t really get to be around other kids her age. I have the car at work all day, of course, even if I didn’t, my partner also suffers from agoraphobia and other things that limit her ability to leave the house alone.

I also don’t really have mommy friends. I don’t really have many friends in person at all. We pretty much stay to ourselves. I also have a slight problem with going places by myself in public situations where there may or may not be people I don’t know.

So, all in all, the kid has the unfortunate pleasure of being home bound most of the time.

When I saw the opportunity to attend a free Gymboree session, I thought I might as well get over my fear of strangers and take Punky out to get some socialization. This is a huge change for me since becoming a mother. I honestly have to make myself get out and mingle with other people.

So, we arrived at Gymboree, I didn’t talk myself out of it or reschedule it like I normally would have done with an outing like this. And, all in all we had a nice time.

The instructor explained that each week there would be a new theme. The theme this week was ramps and rhymes. So, we were teaching the kids to climb up ramps and slide down slides. There were all sorts of mats and tumbling things for the kids to crawl on and play on. There were colorful tunnels, that Punky chose not to even attempt. Lots of singing and exercise. This mommy was worn out by the end of the day.

We live as a fairly lower, middle class family in a pretty affluent town. Everything is pretty overpriced, I am intimidated by the moms that I see at the park in their SUVs and stylish clothes. Though I am sure I am just paranoid, I also feel like they look at me funny. So stepping foot into this place was something I sorely did not want to do on a personal level.

     CIMG4376

However, for Punky, it was something I was willing to overcome. Also, we don’t have many friends, mommy or otherwise, that we associate with outside of family. So, I wasn’t sure how the atmosphere was going to be with a two mommy household.

After the class, I realized that most of the parents were as new as me, so we were all keeping to ourselves. I also realized that Punky was having fun, though she was apprehensive and I knew that I had to make the numbers work to allow her to go back again.

I spoke with the instructor and got the scoop on the classes and I was told that I could enroll in the Saturday classes and the 1 Saturday a month that I had to work, I could make it up on that Monday. So, it was a great set up for a working mom. Not to mention that they have an open gym play on Sundays, so I thought that might also be awesome.

CIMG4379

It’s definitely worth the money. Punky and I will get some bonding time in an environment where she can play with other kids and learn things. I think the cost is not as bad as I thought, because at first I thought it was a once a month class for $65, but its really once a week class, which is great.

The instructor also told me they are having a special for $20 off the first three months and giving out 4 free class passes, so we could attend 2 classes a week if we wanted to. I think it’s quite a deal and I think we will do it.

Basically, I enjoyed taking Punky to Gymboree and I am glad that we can expose her to other kids her age and bring her out of her shell the more she goes.