Coming Out The Other Side

The week I learned I didn’t move on to get the supervisor position was more devastating to my psyche than I actually anticipated. I said some things, I did some things, I thought some things that I’m not proud of. I was shocked and I was overwhelmed and in the end, that whole week, I’m not sure what people thought of the hurricane that was me walking in shell of a person I had become.

I was angry, I was despondent, I was depressed and most of all I was confused. I am fairly certain that last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had to deal with and I am fairly certain it’s mostly because it wasn’t expected, I didn’t expect myself to react the way that I did. Without going into details, while initially my heart and spirit had a good outlook, in the end in, my emotions overtook and I unraveled.

By the end of the week, I’m not sure if people thought I was suicidal or homicidal. Neither of which were the case. Though, I do think that K may have thought about killing me periodically for all the shit I put her through that week.

I have come to really think about my situation and while I handled this poorly, I am going to rise above it. I am in a place in my job, frankly, I never ever wanted to be. I never saw myself there. And, when I said that to some people, they felt as though I was expressing my dislike for the people in that department or perhaps expressing that I felt I was too good for the job.

I would never, ever, want to make someone feel that way. That was not my intent. But, in my hurt feelings, my shock and my entire work life being turned upside down, I didn’t express myself in the way I likely should have. For that, I am sorry. I don’t know how many people actually dealt with me or came in contact with me that week and a half, but I know that I likely made them uncomfortable and they saw a side of me that I have worked so very hard to overcome.

In the end, I just needed a light at the end of the tunnel, something good to put me back to rights. Which is why I have such an awesome best friend and godparents for Punky. They got K and I tickets to Wicked which was playing last weekend and I was in absolutely the most happy place ever. It’s a simple gesture of kindness – an unexpected happy turn of events, to put me back in the mindset I needed to be in. The one where my spirit isn’t broken and I’m not willing to give up.  I needed that little extra push from the darkness and I am now back in the light.

I was as giddy as a school girl. If you asked K, she’d tell you it was like taking a 2 year to the movies for the first time. This is my most favorite muscial, though I have only ever heard the soundtrack and my very first Broadway show ever. So, needless to say, i was excited. The seats were awesome and the music started and I was so overcome with happiness I cried. Shhh.

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I have had time to adjust to the new position and actually allow myself to get to know the people I am now working with. Though I have been on the same team of people for the last 7 years, with the same supervisor and the same routine, this transition and this adjustment has been hard, hence the shock to my system and the darkness this change took me to. However, today I came to notice that I like this job. I’m good at this job. I will excel at this job. Not because I am believe I am above this job, but because I believe I can do anything I put my mind to.

I now look at it as a way to hone my skills even more to become even more an asset to this company and I will get the job when the time is right for me. So, while I am not proud of the things I have said or the damage I have caused in the reputation I have worked so very hard to build – I am willing to put in the hard work to see thing through.

Now, besides the doom and gloomy stuff, it’s Halloween soon!! We have a costume for Punky and it’s going to be adorable. We are making it a family affair. So I give you the little Snow White! I will be the evil queen and K will be the Huntsman.  More pictures to follow when Halloween parties have commenced!

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Hope all is well with each of you, dear readers, because I haven’t had a chance to keep up with the blogs like I would like to, but I promise I am lingering still – hanging out around here, sending great big positive vibes to those of you who are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or those who have just had little ones!

Take Care until next time.

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Mornings with Punky and Me

With the change in shift at work has finally gotten to be a little more settled. I’m told that I will be in the position for a little longer than I anticipated. I’m A-OK with it. I have never enjoyed my job more than I do right now. I thought I enjoyed being a senior, but in all truthfulness, I was a mini-supervisor.

Now, I have a full schedule of one on ones with my own people on my team and development and time management and keeping busy. I miss my little one a ton and I have been so sleepy, working 3 to midnight that I haven’t gone to many of our meetups with the group. We were able to make it to a playdate on Monday and today. It was pretty cool.

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Punky and I had a nice toe painting before I went to work a week or so ago. That was great. She went with her Mama to a fancy Italian restaurant and we learned that she may not like hot dogs but she will devour calamari. This kid did not get my taste buds, for sure! She has been living on fish sticks and popcorn shrimp this week from what I am told.

Monday we went to a playdate at a play place in town. We went with our playgroup and got to hang out with other moms and toddlers of her same age. I love taking her to this place because there are so many things to do. This time, she got to play at the water table – AND BECOME SOAKED – and paint her own face. She had a blast.

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This morning we hung out at the local fitness gym. They hold an open gym for toddlers and we have only gone one other time. This time, she went all over the place and was really adventurous. Punky has just learned how to jump, kind of … so the trampoline was the place she wanted to me. She did wade around in the foam pit for a bit, which was a little out of my reach, so as usual, I was anxious the entire time, but she had fun.

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The best decision I made in my parenting so far this last 17 months was to join this group and take Punky out places. It makes things incredibly fun for her, it exposes her to all sorts of things and we get to bond one on one. No matter what my work schedule looks like, I always have the mornings with my Punky. ❤

Take Care until next time!

Rachael

Let’s Talk About Bullies

This has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. In a world where there are parents teaching their kids it’s ok to use their fists to fight their battles. Where parents are teaching kids that people unlike themselves are weird. We are teaching kids that you must be exactly the same as everyone else and if you aren’t, you shouldn’t be friends.

Just a few months ago, I had a conversation with a certain five year old about how weird ‘geeks’ are. EW!

I was appalled at the words coming out of this little girl’s mouth. I’m a geek, I said. That’s certainly not a lie. I love all things fantasy and Dr. Who is slowly getting me hooked on the science coolness of things. She said, “NO. No you are not!” She sounds disgusted and I wondered how she treated her classmates in regards to such a word. I’m raising my own kiddo to be a geek.

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Instead of celebrating the differences in people, we have kids calling each other “fags” in the hallway. Using “gay” as a term to be used as stupid or insignificant. Kids are taught in church and in the home that you shouldn’t be friends with anyone who is a ‘sinner’ and doesn’t believe in God like you do. (side note: I was told this in my own Sunday School class. I was told to steer clear of those who don’t believe in God. When I challenged that with questions, I got strange looks and was made to feel small and ashamed for questioning.)

Instead of teaching kids to think for themselves, we are telling them how they should feel. How they should behave. How they should believe. We are breeding intolerance. We are breeding acceptance to violence. We are breeding a generation of kids who will use their fists instead of their resources. Instead of their words.

I feel like some parents are playing the part of bullies. When  you tell your child that they must ‘stand up for yourself’ and not be a ‘pussy’ you are using negative terms to force your kid to feel bad about their walking away from confrontation. When we tell our kids it’s not ok to ‘narc’ they feel less empowered to tell an adult about the bullying.

This leaves them with little to no choices. Ignoring, walking away, and telling an adult has all been proven to help diminish the power a bully has over a child. Bullies need to feel power over something, they need to have a reaction. If they don’t get one, logic would say they will get bored. Why are we taking away our children’s only ammo to defend against bullies and ‘stand up for themselves.”

Bullying starts with the parents. Let your kids be themselves. Let your kids think for themselves. Build up their self-esteem so they are confident in who they are. Be an open book, let your kid know you are there to answer their questions and to talk about anything they need to talk about. Demonstrate ways to resolve conflict without raising your voice and without violence. Demonstrate in your home how to tell an adult about harmful things without being a ‘narc.’

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Our kids will always encounter a bully. Whether in school or at work. As a child or an adult. Bullies are everywhere because in the end, their parents taught them it’s ok to use violence and negativity to get what they want out of people. It’s our job as parents to curb this and stop teaching our kids that it’s ok to bully people into doing what they want. It’s our job as parents to build up our kids’ self esteem so bullies have no ammo and no way to trigger a negative response from our kids.

As a lesbian mom, I know my kid will have some questions about her family and I anticipate that her classmates are being taught that her parents are not legally married and they are not the same. My biggest fear is that this sweet daughter of mine will be the victim of bullying. I am at a loss, because of my own upbringing, how to handle a bullying situation without standing up and using your fists.

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When I say she can just tell her a teacher or an adult, I remember that when I was in school, the teachers didn’t really do much or were not very effective. Also, I remember being told that if you ‘tattle’ you were a narc and it could increase the bullying later.

(edited: in response to Ashley’s comment below, she made me think!)

There is a fine line between bullying and sticking up for yourself. The problem is that there has to be a better solution other than violence for violence; an eye for an eye. I want my kid to defend herself, but can we not teach our kids there are more acceptable ways of doing that without hitting back. I was brought up that if someone hits you, hit them back. That was acceptable. However, I’m beginning to wonder if that was a good idea on my parents’ part. We were taught it’s ok to fight back, but 9 times out of 10, those kids who ‘hit back’ are the ones punished. So then, what lesson does that teach the victims of bullying.

At such a young age, can we not try and teach our kids that hitting isn’t acceptable regardless of the receiving end of the violence. If we allow this behavior at school age, do we then say it’s ok to hit me when you’re a teenager if you don’t agree with something? Do we then give the impression to our children that it’s alright to break the law just because we don’t think they are fair? Where’s the line where authority is respected and not just another person to blame or pin bullying on?

We are the parents who shape the new generation of children. Let’s change the way kids treat one another.

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The line blurs in the minds of little ones. It is bound to get confusing for them when they are told they can hit back and stand up for themselves, but yet they can’t back talk their parents and they can’t say no to their teachers whether they agree or not. Why is is acceptable for the children to hit back, but not to talk about how they feel, talk about how they want things to be, how they think the world around them should be shaped.

I just feel like this bullying epidemic should open up the lines of communication between parent and child. We should sit our kids down and say, “Hitting is never ok. You are better than that. Use your words. Tell someone. Talk to someone.”

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So how do we help our kids who are bullied? How do we help our kids from being a bully? I was a bully in my day, I certainly don’t want to repeat that in my kid. I also don’t want her to feel like her worth is tied up in violence and that’s the only way she can stand up for herself. I don’t want her to feel a sense of accomplishment when she beats someone up, either in retaliation or provocation.

So moms, tell me, how do you deal with the topic of bullying and if you aren’t moms of school age children yet, have you thought of a plan of attack yet?