Adjustments and Changes Coming Soon

Of all the memories I can think of my childhood, very few would be considered “normal”. Very few would be considered “happy”. I’m sure I had lots of happy, normal childhood moments, and yet, I really can’t remember many. I bring it up, because of all the childhood memories, I remember one so vividly , at least the emotion that it sparked in me at the time – that sometimes I have to wonder if I made it up.

As I come out of Punky’s room after 45 minutes of cuddles, rocking, singing, and back rubbing – it reminds me of a time when my Mom did the same for me. I don’t remember the specifics, I couldn’t tell you which house we were in, I can’t tell you how old I was. But I can remember trying so hard to fight off the sleepy feeling as my mom rubbed my back, skin to skin, for how many minutes, I have no idea.

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I knelt next to Punky’s bed, as she was hysterical tonight, not wanting to sleep, scared, just being stubborn, who knows, but she needed some Mommy time. We are a cry it out kind of family in most cases, but I have been extra sensitive to her neediness since the move. She’s been more clingy, more whiny, just more needy in general. She’s also more busy than normal, she doesn’t want to settle down -there’s too much to talk about, too much to do, too much to see and take in.

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While I rubbed her back, humming and making up the lyrics to a tune I didn’t know – I thought about what my Mom was thinking all those years ago. When she was rubbing my back. When she watched me fight the sleep, shushing me and whispering to me to close my eyes. What would go through her mind as she tried to help me fall asleep? Was she worried about missing what was going on in the room next door? Was she overwhelmed with overflowing love for me in that moment? Was she so exhausted that she didn’t really have a thought or time to think about anything specific?

I don’t remember singing, though its possible that occurred. I don’t remember much other than a slow motion sleepiness that happened when I asked her to rub my back and she would roll me on my tummy and sit on the side of the bed until I fell asleep. As a mother now, I haven’t quite mastered the staying long enough to ensure that Punky is fully asleep, but she’s drowsy enough to get to sleep minutes after I shut the door.

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This isn’t her actual bed, but she looks adorable on the baby shower gift Aunt Ashley and Grammy made for someone’s new baby coming soon!

Punky went back to school today, a banking error on the daycare’s part, but its caught up now, so I won’t protest too much. She was delighted to go to school and I know the adults in the house were delighted to sleep in, take a little break and make the day a quiet and peaceful one. She came home from school full of stories about her friends and playing outside, complete with green paint in her banks and glitter on her cheeks. Its nice to have her back in school.

This is my last week with day shift at work. I will start working 1-midnight and contrary to what other people think – I actually picked the shift! I am looking forward to it. I worked it about a year ago with my interim supervisor role and I loved it. I get to see Punky in the morning/afternoon and can take her on early play dates to the park or the library. Its also a 10  hour shift, which means that I will only work 4 days a week with rotating 1 weekend a month. Its the perfect and ideal situation for us. Kim and I have both discussed it and decided with our many doctor/therapy visits – a day off during the week is going to be great.

It will also give me time to decompress during the week. This Monday through Friday 8-5PM is supposed to be a dream job spot for most people, its just not working out for me and I am slowly, well no …. quickly feeling the candle burn out. So a few new change and routine will do me some good – my therapist agrees.

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The changes keep coming for Miss Punky though and I’m not at all delusional in thinking this won’t be a shock to her system. She’s tough – I know toddlers are more resilient than we give them credit for, but I feel like all the changes are overwhelming her delicate little brain and emotions. She’s just so clingy to me right now – but hopefully, this will mean I get to spend MORE time with her instead of less. I may not be able to put her to bed, but I will be able to come home and eat dinner, maybe read her a story before bed.

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Kim’s health is doing better, thank goodness. It was quite a scare for a while. But she has gotten the use of her legs back and her Lithium levels, I believe, are back in the normal range. We are getting into a routine and its about to change, but we can only do what we can do and so for now – I will be thankful that she is better health wise – as as good as she can be. We are happy, anxiously waiting for Missouri to overturn the ban on gay marriage. I’m planning a wedding for my friend, but I’d really like to be planning my own wedding!

In other news, my Uncle had some sort of stroke on Tuesday, I don’t really have all the details. he’s no longer in the hospital and I talked to him this afternoon. He seems as well as expected, tired but alive.

My grandpa fell off his tractor a few days ago and broke his leg right above the knee. He’s currently in the hospital, my poor grandma has been running around taking care of both of them! He’s been showing signs of dementia/Alzheimer’s for quite a few years now and it doesn’t bode well for his condition. They all live three hours away and I don’t feel like I’m getting enough information to feel comfortable about being away. But they tell me he’s out of surgery and doing as well as can be expected as well. They will be moving him to a nursing home rehab center to get some help with walking, like he doesn’t already have a hip replacement as it is.

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So, while that stuff is all scary and the changes just keep coming, the adjustments are being made and we are rolling with the punches life has been dealing out. That’s all one can really do, right? Hang on for the ride…. we are hanging on ….

The Doc Is In – And She’s Two.

So basically, this Mommy feels like death right now. Literally and utterly – like death. My throat is on fire and I can’t get myself to stop the coughing. I thought a nice nap would help things, but I’m just more exhausted than I started.

Miss Punky has been a very cute, very annoyingly attentive nurse today. She keeps bringing out her Doc McStuffins stethoscope to “Listen Mommy Heart.”

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She’s also full of kisses today, which wouldn’t make me pause normally – but I really don’t want to get her sick too. So I have been kissing her on the cheek and she will stay there – in my face – until I “Kiss Lips Mommy” which gets me every time.

We went to a baby shower yesterday that I helped host, I sure love baby showers. I also tried my hand at designing baby stats nursery prints, which turned out really cute on canvas. My friend had me design it so she could give it as a gift, and it turned out super adorable.

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I’m working on Mother’s Day right now. I’d like to make a line of two mom mother’s day cards, and it’s still being mulled around in my head. When I do a Google search for “lesbian mother’s day” there’s not much out there for two mom parenting on Mother’s Day. I would assume the same is true for Father’s Day.

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This one is my favorite design so far.

So this is how I’m spending my sick day. On photoshop – designing things. Because I really do love it. Last night, Punky and I spent some time hanging out and listening to Spotify. If you haven’t started a playlist over there, you are missing out. I find it much better than Pandora.

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Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel better. As of right now, I’m in a sore throat, medicine induced, slow motion plague haze. But Kim has made me chicken noodle soup and biscuits, so things are about to get much better!

11 Possibly Interesting Things About Me

I got the idea from Lindsay over at Solo Mama. I love the idea of getting outside the blogging box and just learn a little something about the people are reading about. Get inside the lives; past and present; of the people we are following.

So without further ado – here’s the not so interesting, least known facts about me.

1. I was a smart, quiet kid. It’s been said that I would be content with a coloring book and crayons for hours. I am told that I didn’t really cry much and I wasn’t really very social – able to play by myself and take joy in solitude. I was able to write my name by the time I was two and a half and I said when I grew up I wanted to be a teacher. Don’t we all!?

2. I grew up five brothers and two sisters. I am the second oldest, but I have only met my older brother a handful of times and corresponded with him mostly through letters to him in his many stints in jail. Most are half-siblings, I have a brother and a sister who have the same mother and father as myself, the rest are all half and step siblings whom I treat as full blood.

3. When I was 12, I was placed into the care of a adolescent psychiatric ward for a few days and then a group home shortly after for the rest of the summer. I was an angry kid who wanted to get what she wanted. A compulsive liar and a need for instant gratification. They put some pills in my mouth, tried to subdue the violence in my heart, and sent me home.

4. When I was 15, I participated in modeling school. At the time, my aspirations moved from teacher to model/actress. I attended Barbizon modeling school, which my mother; I’m told; is still paying for. I didn’t get a chance to finish, due to so changes in my home life and thus, the tuition went to waste and I’m pretty sure it may be a scam.  Sorry Mom!!!

5. I used to be a bully. That statement is likely the hardest thing for me to ever say about myself. I did some pretty terrible things in high school. From the time I started high school at age 15 through my junior year of high school, was a pretty much not a nice person. I would make fun of people, threaten people, spread rumors and break up relationships. For fun and amusement. Nothing more.  I still have people who may hate me, people who still blame me for their poor experience in high school. I don’t blame them for it. And I can’t make my apologies more clear, though I doubt the words “I’m Sorry” will ever be enough. I hope that I can use these experiences to help my daughter be a better person than I was growing up.

6. I almost dropped out of high school in my senior year. Fortunately for me, someone very dear to me, took me in and helped me transfer to a new school in the area that I now live in. She helped give me stability in my life – something I hadn’t really grown up with before. She gave me peace of mind. She gave me responsibility. She gave me structure. In the end, I have her to thank for turning my life around and calming the beast inside of me down. I owe my graduation of high school, my attendance to college (however brief) and my decision to choose a different path to her. She is my savior and she knows who she is.

7. I met Kim on an internet dating site. We have been together since the beginning. We met and had our first date on April 21, 2003 and we made it official on May 1, 2003. She’s my first and only girlfriend. I dated and had sex with many boys and men before her. I was drunk the night I came on the phone and asked her to be my ‘girlfriend’. The rest – is really history!

8. Kim and I have a habit of taking in ‘strays’. Or rather, taking in my sisters. Both of whom I love dearly. The reason I bring it up, is because the first time we brought in first sister, we also took in her daughter. Who had just turned two at the time. Having this little ball of toddler fun in our home, helping care for her and keeping her close to our hearts is likely the reason we decided to start thinking long and hard about having a kid of our own. We got a trial run at the job as mothers and when my sister moved out and left to be on her own again, taking my niece with me, it really did a number on us. We also took in my teenage sister and got a nice trial run at that life too. I learned how to enroll a kid, the paper work, the teachers, the meetings. I got to be involved with the homework, the advice, the drama and the triumphs. In the end, she also went off to be on her own, now over 18, but I thank both my sisters for helping shape our parenting skills. They will be forever a part of how we raise our daughter.

9. I’m addicted to Netflix. Seriously. So, most of my interesting tidbits so far has been serious and a bit hard to swallow for me. However, this little tidbit is fun and light-hearted. I am utterly addicted to Netflix. All shows on Netflix – everything I watch is generally found on Netflix and/or branched out from Netflix. I found such gems as Ghost Whisperer, Supernatural, and Doctor Who! I quite enjoy binge watching all these shows to catch up and then move to DVR options if they are still on air.

10. I have an undiagnosed version of anxiety disorder, stemming from PTSD. No I’m not a soldier.  I’m a woman who grew up with some pretty hardcore shit in her past. In the end, I’m currently going through a form of intense anxiety – spiraling into a sense of destructive behavior. I’m working on it weekly with a therapist, mostly because I don’t want the after effects of my own life to spill over into my daughter’s childhood and upbringing. At present, my days are full of anxiety, panic attacks, and lots of avoidance of certain situations.

11. My daughter looks just like me, but I hope she doesn’t become me. I say this because the paths; choices and decisions; I had to make in order to become the me I am today, has been a hard road, a tough road of tears and mistakes. I would prefer that my daughter not have to learn the lessons I learned in my 30 years of life. However, the path and choices I have experienced have made me who I am. In the end, I am pretty proud of who I am and who Punky has as a mother, but I would really be more proud if she can become a good and nice person without the extra baggage!

So that’s me. Here’s me in a nutshell. I will be 30 in May and I have a rich past, a beautiful present and an uncertain future. All I care about, in the end, is how my Punky monster turns out.

What about you? Tell me great tidbits about you? I love reading about other people’s lives!