On This … Our Wedding Day.

Which was not to be.

We didn’t get married. We didn’t call to check on the status. Instead, I drove home from my parents’ house 3 hours away with a carsick toddler who had to pee (potty training) every five minutes down the highway.

By the time we got home, I had stopped at no less than 4 gas stations and hauled a toddler and her portable potty chair ring into their bathroom. Sometimes she went, sometimes, she had already gone. Thank goodness for pull-ups on long car rides.

I also got to clean up puke on the side of the highway. Lots and lots of puke. So much puke that I had to change my kid, wipe down the seat, and then put her back in it. Puke in the hair, puke on the hands, puke on her most favorite blanket. But, once she was done puking and all cleaned up, she was better. Feeling better enough to keep watching her movie.

Mommy was tired. Worn out and tired.

We had a nice visit with my family though. Lots of nice times and sweet moments. And it took my mind off the fact that we weren’t getting married. I got to spend time with people I love and people who were equally as disappointed that we weren’t getting married.

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It’s nice to have supportive family who love us so much. I really is. Of course, there are some well wishers and people who really do mean well – but let’s just say the one thing not to say to console a person who CAN’T GET MARRIED is to tell them that marriage is just a piece of paper.

Or that we don’t need a piece of paper to know how much we love each other.

That’s not the point. The love isn’t the point. This marriage, this paper that so many straight couples (who I love dearly and I know meant no disrespect) take for granted gives so many rights and privileges that we don’t have.

So, actually – yes. WE do need that piece of paper. To make our lives complete and legal and as equal in the eyes of the law, we do need that paper.

In order for Kim to make medical decisions on my behalf without the hassle of courts and lawyers and still the possibility of a judge declaring its not legal. We do need that paper.

In order for us to be equal parents to our daughter, make decisions in all aspects of her life – financial, education, medical – we do need that paper.

I think people forget, or they are just not aware of the many rights that you are afforded when you get married. It’s not about declaring your love to someone, we’ve been doing that for 11 years. Now, it’s about the same rights. The same standard of care we should be getting from our government in the form of taxes, spousal benefits, and guardianship of our daughter.

Its the legal aspect that means the most.

So do I need a piece of paper to tell the world I love the woman I have been with for the last 11 years? No. That’s a given.

I know the phrase “Its just a piece of paper” is one given out of love and consolation. One that is supposed to make us feel better.

Unfortunately. It only means that there are still people in the world, people who love and support us, who don’t fully understand the ramifications of our being unable to marry.

It’s not about religious beliefs. It’s not about love. It’s not about some ceremony or tradition. Its not about procreation or even raising a kid in the ‘right family.’

You can read about what it’s really about: It’s about the rights we don’t have.

It will come and I think that’s what is so frustrating. This delay is just a delay. An unnecessary waste of energy, time, and emotional heartbreak. In the end, what is another month, really? What has changed? Not much.

Other than the idea that we should have been getting married today. And we didn’t.

I’m Offended. And If My Offense Bothers You. Delete Me.

Here’s your warning.

I have officially lost my filter.

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My Facebook news feed has this article on display for me to see.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, whatever. But, let’s get real and stop thinking  you know what goes on in a world you know nothing about.

Frankly, as a gay woman, I’m offended. What Michael Sam represents IS something heroic to a lot of gay young men and women who think they are worthless. Who are told they aren’t going to amount  to anything. Who are told that the only way they can be seen as normal is to HIDE who they are.

You may think I exaggerate. You can think that’s not the time we still live in. But, you would be mistaken. Because you don’t live it.

Don’t say its not brave to stand up and be who you are, when in this society, it’s still unacceptable for me to get married in my own state. It is not appropriate to dismiss one person because he wants to be himself in the world. He’s a public figure, who doesn’t want to hide aspects of his life.

You don’t have to hide parts of yourself, for fear of ridicule, hateful comments and possible injury or death (depending on the person you come in contact with.)

They say we (ie: the gays) are all up in arms about our sexuality and wanting what we do in the bedroom to be no one’s business. That’s still true. What we do or what you do in the bedroom IS no one’s business.

But you need to separate what goes on in the bedroom from being gay.

BEING GAY isn’t about what I do in the bedroom.

Separate that shit for crying out loud.

BEING GAY is loving another woman for me. In today’s society, people are still getting called out and even killed for that. KILLED for being GAY. Their rights, my rights, are STILL being taken away.

But its YOU and those who make homophobic, hurtful comments who are being persecuted? Really? Let’s get real for a minute for fucks sake. It’s your religion that’s being attacked. Its your morals and your beliefs being attacked. Its your opinion being attacked.

Actually. Let me break it down for you.

It’s your asinine need to spread those hurtful, hateful comments that is being attacked. Feel however you want. Believe whatever you want. The minute you voice it, you are open for whatever backlash comes your way! Don’t pretend YOU are the victim when it reigns negativity down on you when you treat another human being like a second class person.

Would you like those comments said about you? Any of them? If they were about straight people, would you still say its ridiculous? Would you still say its “not that big of a deal”?

You can be ‘fine with gays’. You can say “whatever makes you happy, whatever” But, then supporting something like this article completely contradicts. It’s hurtful to people who ACTUALLY live in the world as a gay person.

Until it effects you, you don’t get the right to decide what’s actually hurtful to those of us who are effected by it!

  • Do you get glares when you walk down the street holding hands with your husband?
  • Do you have people ask if you are your child’s REAL mother?
  • Do you constantly have to explain to people why you wear a ring, but you aren’t actually married?

So, please let’s not get on the topic of what Michael Sam is doing isn’t brave. Did he – perhaps – come out on National TV? So what. What if he did. That’s a brave thing to do, in a world where there are still people out there who want him stoned to death. People who stand out – loud and proud and proclaim judgement on him, until they get all butt hurt when they are called out for being the bigot they are.

Let’s stop for a moment and really look at what it says about you as a person when you say one thing and then support another. Look I’m all for freedom of speech. I’m all for your own damn opinion. I’m also all for the consequences that come with having backlash from an unfavorable opinion.

If you say something unfavorable, hypocritical, racist, homophobic, sexist, whatever – you know you are going to offend someone. Don’t fucking get all up in arms and pretend YOU are the victim, when you said the things you said, knowing and most likely, with the clear intention of offending and hurting someone.

I am one who can generally, agree to disagree. You love God? Cool, I don’t, but that’s no biggie. You breastfeed your kid til their three? I think it’s a little strange, but more power to ya! You voted against ACA? I don’t understand why free birth control is a bad thing, but stand proud, sir!

Look, I’m not being sarcastic. But, I also go out of my way to think about the people who are reading and having to react to the things I put out in the world. I don’t intentionally put it out to hurt someone, to judge someone.

Until today. Damnit. Today I don’t care what you think. I don’t care who’s reading and I don’t care if you are offended. Be offended.

If you are offended, I am offended by you.

You don’t like what Michael Sam is doing. That’s fine. Don’t attack his character. Don’t attack his motives. Don’t discount the fact that to a lot of people – an ENTIRE group of people, this is a real thing. AND it’s a big deal.

But to people who have all rights afforded to them, taking them for granted – and don’t think about other people’s rights being violated, with-held and ridiculed – its just another day in the NFL. Well, I don’t like football. I don’t care about football. Its not about football. It’s about the exposure that this brings to people like me.

To families like MINE. Its a very real BIG DEAL.

To the gay youth, to those who feel like they aren’t going to amount to anything if anyone finds out their gay.

 

The normalcy, the real idea that someday, this won’t need to be a media spectacle.

You know, I’m also annoyed that Michael Sam’s story has become a spectacle. But frankly, its not HIS fault. Its our society’s fault that this has been an issue in the first place – so when something positive comes of it, it blows up into a media circus.

Is the circus ok? No! I don’t like it anymore than anyone else.

But it’s not about Michael Sam’s sex life. It’s about the fact that he is the FIRST man in the NFL to say, “Hey, this is who I am. I love a man and we have a life together. That’s a part of me.”

Its not flaunting it, it’s not making a big deal. It’s sharing a part of his life. Being GAY isn’t about sex. Its about who you love and how you love. Period. When he’s interviewed about his hobbies and his training and his family – his partner, his love is going to come up. Why not be up front about it?! Instead people are asking him to hide a very large part of who he is. A very large part of his life.

He’s just being who he is. He’s being normal and the media took it to a much higher place. But don’t discount the fact that this is big news. This is an acceptance that hasn’t been seen before in the NFL – and in a community where the people are shunned and not accepted, it is a VERY big DEAL.

So, yes. I’m offended. Not because you support someone’s right to freedom of speech. I’m offended because you support people’s hurtful comments that, while you may not think effect me, and only effect some gay black man in the NFL.

It very much effects me. Maybe you didn’t know. Now you do.

If you think this post is about you, well , it probably is.

If you have something to say about any of it, say it to me, instead of hiding behind the internet and slamming some man you don’t even know!

Realistic Expectations

So, usually, I have a reason for my posts, something that I want to talk about. Then my partner, K brought up that I don’t talk about the bad times. The times when I am so freaking overwhelmed with my life as a woman, a lesbian, a mother, a partner, a working mom, as a daughter, as a human being with injustices. I am always filled with love and butterflies when I talk about my daughter and our life as a family.

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Realistically, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows.

Realistically, it’s a hard road we travel on sometimes.

Realistically, it’s not always the easiest thing to come home from work.

Realistically, it’s not the happiest moment to go to work.

Realistically, I want to get married and have a protection set for my family if something happens to me. The weight on my shoulders, as the biological mother to our daughter, leaves me with stress and worry about something happening to me on a regular basis.

The what – if’s and the rants and the thoughts and the questions will never be satisfied until they come to pass. Until the day I can say, “Finally, our family is the same as yours.”

This stems from a lot of things, the Supreme Court hearings and the lack of sleep due to a teething toddler.

Mostly, it started when I realized,  our medical insurance is moving to a high deductible plan. This plan will be administered by the rules of the government. Which means, because K is not my tax dependent, I can’t cover her like I would be able to if she was a male. This isn’t the fault of the entity providing my insurance, they allow me to add my same-sex domestic partner on their coverage. However, the government will not recognize this.

My partner has a multitude of illnesses that require her therapy and prescriptions that we could not afford if we didn’t have insurance. We are seriously looking at the fact that we won’t have insurance for her soon. That is a scary thing. She’s the stay at home mommy and I am sure that not having her therapy and prescriptions will negatively affect her and Punky.

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So, yes, I am stressed out. Yes, I am worried. Yes, I am trying my best to hold that together, because I just don’t understand why things are so unfair. Why can’t we just have the same thing as married straight couples? Because GOD said it’s not right?

Has anyone actually had a conversation with GOD? Has GOD made my family’s well-being His personal mission? It’s okay to pick and choose what we feel GOD thinks is right or wrong and only use the pieces we like? When is that acceptable in any circumstance? It’s not.

I have no problems with anyone who believes in GOD. I have no problems with people who want to worship as they wish. But, just because I don’t believe the same thing you do, doesn’t mean I am not entitled to the same rights as you.

I am still a human being. I was still created by your GOD. I was still made in HIS image and should be afforded the same rights to happiness and kindness and love. At least, that’s what people in the church say.

GOD loves everyone. GOD made everyone. GOD doesn’t make mistakes. GOD can be the only judge. GOD is love and kindness and mercy.

And then, the church spits on me. Instead of treating me with love. Instead of saying I’m made in the way that god made me and the way I was supposed to be, everything happens for a reason. Was my being gay, specifically for me to go to HELL? Really? God made certain people to just punish them ultimately in the end?

That doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me.

 

This is my main stress in my life right now. Add on top of this the fact that we have a toddler going through a lot of changes. She is teething hardcore. She’s also been taken off of formula and drinks at bed.

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She has been moved to regular milk during the day, but we are trying to get her out of the habit of drinking something at bed. That’s been kind of a pain in the ass right now. But, mostly because she’s teething and I know that’s part of the problem.

It will pass. I’m sure. We got her teething necklace in the mail today, so I will be anxious to see if this amber necklace works. I’m curious to hear from other mamas who have tried them. I have heard nothing but good things about them.

Maybe soon, we can get back to this face:

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