Slightly Broken With A Silver Lining

So, it was a no go in the supervisor spot and I will be back to my regular hours tomorrow. I will be moving to a different department than I left two and a half month ago. It’s a department I never pictured myself in and I’m pretty darn anxious about the transition.

However, it’s a stepping stone down the path I want to go down, supervisor. I have now interviewed for this position twice and while I don’t believe I agree with most of the feedback, the one feedback I do agree with is “You are too emotional.” I will be working on it. I am going to spend this time hardening my spirit, it’s been broken, and now, I will rebuild it.

I’ve weathered more than this in the past and it will not cause me to give up. I know that I will be a great supervisor some day. I know that I will be the best supervisor anyone has seen in our building. I just have to work on my anxiety and my emotions.

This new department is a road block, but it will hone my skills and make me formidable, I know it. I am determined to get this position. One way or another. The quote K sent me rings true and I have printed it out to put on my computer monitor at work to motivate me even more. “Sometimes to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least.”

I’m taking this seriously and I will get what I want. Not today. Perhaps not tomorrow, but I will not give up that easily.

In other news, K and I took Punky to the art festival yesterday. Instead of looking at art, Punky heard a band playing down the street and took off running for it. We sat and listened to the band for some time and she stole the show. Everyone was watching her dancing. It was hilarious really.

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While dancing it out, Punky also discovered her shadow. She found it quite awesome to chase her shadow around. I swear, little baby running is so freaking adorable to see!

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We also attended a baby shower that I helped host today. She was again the star of the show. The mom-to-be didn’t really seem to mind, seeing as she was cooing all over the kiddo!

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No matter how bad the day is, my day always starts and ends with this little girl. My miracle child that makes my heart overwhelmed with so much love it’s overflowing. At the end of the day, nothing matters more than the happiness of this little girl. Oh … and making sure she fits in her clothes. She’s currently wearing 2T and it may fit her for another week or so!

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Here’s to a better week starting tomorrow! Wish me luck in my new venture to build resilience and a hardened emotional shell.

Guilty of Having a Baby

So, I had a different post in mind for today, but I have a friend on Facebook – whose post on her own blog, really touched my heart this morning.

She is a woman, married to a man. She wants a baby. I actually have never met her in person, but we have been friends through online sources for years. She has been having trouble conceiving a baby and every time I see her posts on Facebook, another failed attempt. It breaks my heart for her.

Frankly, I always knew there were people out there having trouble conceiving. But, I never really thought of just how lucky we were. Men and women were made to create babies. It shouldn’t be so hard for them. Not to mention that I remember having the feeling that it just wasn’t fair that I couldn’t just have an “OOPS” moment with my partner like my friends and family were. They weren’t even trying to have a baby and they suddenly had three.

Then I realized, today, after reading this post, that I knew how hard it is on women who can’t conceive. But, I never realized just how blessed we were in comparison. That made me feel a little guilty. I’m a lesbian woman. I should have had a harder time getting pregnant. Most of the time, I feel guilty that it wasn’t harder for me to get pregnant. No, we didn’t go about the conceiving part the way most lesbians do. I didn’t do the IVF and I didn’t do donated sperm. It was all natural.

I didn’t chart more than a couple months to get my ovulation. My donor was here for a week. We took a shot and it worked. I didn’t have morning sickness and I didn’t have any complications really in my pregnancy.

This is not a blog about how easy I had it. Its actually a blog post about how her post humbled me. I always say that pregnancy was not for me. And I mean that. I hated being pregnant. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I am so happy for the end result. Our baby is precious to me and such a gift. However, I was miserable – physically and emotionally for most of my pregnancy.

Reading her post, though, made me realize that she would be overjoyed to experience even half of what I had experienced. She would be overjoyed to have morning sickness and pelvic pain. She would love to have that feeling of butterflies when the baby moves around inside her. AND I want her to have that. She’s a wonderful woman, who deserves to have that.

I used to have the same feelings she had when my sister would get pregnant. How it wasn’t fair that she could just conceive baby after baby and we would have to work so hard at it. So, in a way I know how she feels. Of course, not the same way, but I can definitely empathize with her situation.

There is a girl at work in the same boat. It always crosses my mind what these women will feel when I share my stories of Peyton or my pictures. Every time I post them, I worry that I will break their hearts a little more and that is certainly not my intention. In a way, I am always slightly humbled by these women and their struggles.

I hope someday soon, they will have the same joy I have in my life. I never thought it was possible. Nothing is impossible. I truly believe that. SO, keep your chin up, girls. I am rooting for you! I’m sending all the positive thoughts I can your way. I can’t imagine how hard it is for women who have trouble conceiving, but I am sure that it cannot be fun to watch others around you getting what you want so desperately.

Please know that I am aware that I am one of THOSE moms. Posting pictures constantly and always posting something new about my kiddo. I always have you in my thoughts when I post and I am always sending just a few more rays of sunshine in your direction.

I will rejoice with you when the day comes that you see that little positive sign on a pregnancy test. I believe with all my heart, you will have that joy.

Take Care