Slightly Broken With A Silver Lining

So, it was a no go in the supervisor spot and I will be back to my regular hours tomorrow. I will be moving to a different department than I left two and a half month ago. It’s a department I never pictured myself in and I’m pretty darn anxious about the transition.

However, it’s a stepping stone down the path I want to go down, supervisor. I have now interviewed for this position twice and while I don’t believe I agree with most of the feedback, the one feedback I do agree with is “You are too emotional.” I will be working on it. I am going to spend this time hardening my spirit, it’s been broken, and now, I will rebuild it.

I’ve weathered more than this in the past and it will not cause me to give up. I know that I will be a great supervisor some day. I know that I will be the best supervisor anyone has seen in our building. I just have to work on my anxiety and my emotions.

This new department is a road block, but it will hone my skills and make me formidable, I know it. I am determined to get this position. One way or another. The quote K sent me rings true and I have printed it out to put on my computer monitor at work to motivate me even more. “Sometimes to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least.”

I’m taking this seriously and I will get what I want. Not today. Perhaps not tomorrow, but I will not give up that easily.

In other news, K and I took Punky to the art festival yesterday. Instead of looking at art, Punky heard a band playing down the street and took off running for it. We sat and listened to the band for some time and she stole the show. Everyone was watching her dancing. It was hilarious really.

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While dancing it out, Punky also discovered her shadow. She found it quite awesome to chase her shadow around. I swear, little baby running is so freaking adorable to see!

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We also attended a baby shower that I helped host today. She was again the star of the show. The mom-to-be didn’t really seem to mind, seeing as she was cooing all over the kiddo!

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No matter how bad the day is, my day always starts and ends with this little girl. My miracle child that makes my heart overwhelmed with so much love it’s overflowing. At the end of the day, nothing matters more than the happiness of this little girl. Oh … and making sure she fits in her clothes. She’s currently wearing 2T and it may fit her for another week or so!

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Here’s to a better week starting tomorrow! Wish me luck in my new venture to build resilience and a hardened emotional shell.

A Little Rounder … A Little Claustrophobic

Its amazing to me how fast these past 17 weeks have gone by. Sunday will mark my pregnancy at 18 weeks. Babycenter.com says that the baby is the length of a bell pepper. Its just so remarkable the way that my body has also changed. My brain has really stayed pretty neutral, but my body says YOU’RE PREGNANT.

Mostly, I still forget I am pregnant. At least in my mind. My body is starting to round out, my belly is starting to pop out. I took so simple pictures in the vanity mirror this morning and when I get a chance, I will post them. We are almost at the halfway mark and I have only gained 3 pounds, which according to my doctor is just where I need to be.

UPS: We are paying off our rent issues now that my partner has gotten her disability approved. We are going to stay in our apartment until a 2 bedroom opens up or we can find a house. Things are looking up in the housing department right now.  I also applied for a new position within the company. I admit, I don’t believe I will be considered for it, but its nice to have a little hopefully wish in the back of my mind. I know I would be great in the position, but I don’t know how much criteria they will use to consider people.

DOWNS: For one, I really feel claustrophobic in my own body. Its hard to breathe just sitting here typing this and god forbid I try to get out of bed, or even out of the couch. Climbing our three flights of stairs to get to the apartment is a joke.  I’m disappointed that we won’t be getting into a 2 bedroom as soon as I would like. I am looking forward to decorating the nursery. It is my most anticipated event in this pregnancy that will be put on the back burner for a bit.

All in all, week 17 has been alright. Definitely better emotionally than last week. I admit, for the most part, I am just BLAH.

Suckville Week

Otherwise Known As Worries and Little Sleep´╗┐
My first appointment with the OB was about a week ago. We went over just about everything and the one thing that stood out to me was Postpartum depression. He mentioned that since I was originally on Prozac for anxiety and mood swings that I was more susceptible to having Postpartum depression when the baby comes.´╗┐
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Xianstudio

This is not something that I am interested in having or experiencing. My partner pointed out last night that I have been lashing out for no reason at all, or at the smallest little things. I figured it was due to the hormones, but really, I think its the fact that I have been off my medication for well over 2 months, since I stopped taking the pills before we started trying. Prozac was the one thing that kept my moods pretty stable and I was a pretty nice person to be around.

Add to this lack of medication, the constant need for sleep and not getting it, and you have a time bomb in my body waiting to explode. Well, it exploded last night. Something ridiculously stupid got me so worked up that I was crying on the couch for a good thirty minutes about how none of my jeans fit me and I’m not even showing yet and I can’t do anything right.
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alvimann

Let me explain this. I have been a smoker since I was about 16 years old. That’s about 11 years now. When we decided to try and have a baby, I decided that I should quit smoking. Well needless to say, 7 weeks into this pregnancy and I am still smoking. I want everyone to know that I have cut back a lot and for the most part I may smoke 1 or 2 cigarettes a day, at the most 5, depending on the day. However, I don’t think people realize how incredibly guilty I feel that I can’t just kick this stupid as hell addiction. I know that people don’t understand how guilty I feel because I am constantly listening to the comments. “Aren’t you going to quit?” “Don’t you know you shouldn’t be smoking?” “Smoking is bad for the baby.” Look people. I AM AWARE.

So now my week is no medication, no sleep, and guilt over cigarettes. Oh no, you would think it would stop there. It doesn’t.
On top of that, I am bitchy at work. Now, generally, I like my job. Its easy and it pays the bills. However, if you have ever worked in a call center, you know that its stressful and people are so much more bold over the phone than they ever would be in person. So, instead, my days generally go like this. Let’s add this to everything else and its still not where it ends.
My jeans don’t fit, I pee every thirty freaking minutes, my animals are forever trying to trip me on the way to the bathroom, my dog thinks she needs to cuddle with me, while its 100 degrees in our apartment and she runs that on her own, my feet are swollen, I have no ankles, my fingers fall asleep at the drop of a dime. I CANNOT SLEEP. Its like everything is piling up on top of me and I don’t really know where to begin or end. No one prepared me for all of this.
My partner …. she’s had enough. Besides the fact that she has her own shit to deal with. Starting with losing her job to do BiPolar Disorder and feeling like a worthless contributor, which she is not. However, because she is not working right now, and she is not getting any money coming it at the moment, though, she’s working on it, we are looking at more and more bills piling up and more and more stress to be had.
So, now, I have my shit and her shit and let’s put it all on my shoulders … carry it around and never take it off. I mean, really, is all this necessary.
7 weeks is not that far along. This baby has a whole lot of baking to do and for crying out loud, this is just 1 week of the many that will likely stress me out. I am trying so very hard to be zen and calm about things. I am trying not to let things freak me out or stress me out, but in reality, I’m a bundle of nerves and a ball of fire waiting to explode.
I am beginning to wonder if I will make it through the next 8 months in tact and with my sanity. Thus the reason for worrying about Postpartum Depression. Let’s all just cross our fingers that it doesn’t happen and this gets better, emotionally.