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Moving From Baby to Toddler

Our little Punky is going to be 2 in four and a half months. When the hell did that happen?! I’m STILL astonished we even have a child. I’m STILL astonished when I look at her and feel like I’m in a dream. Like is this really my life?

I know that work has been a little stressful for me and frankly, I’m pretty sure I had a mild nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago when the supervisor position went haywire. But, I saw a side of me that I haven’t seen in years. I don’t want to see that side of me. I’ve worked very very hard to leave her behind, the bitter, angry, selfish, bitch me has no place in this new life we are building with our most precious baby girl turned toddler.

I’m not ashamed to say that I am going to be getting my medication readjusted and I’m relieved about it. I’m not a nutjob, seriously, but I have a lot of mood problems and my hormones are still out of whack from having Punky, and my anxiety ┬áis “through the roof” if you hear K tell it. So, I’m getting it fixed.

I also learned, while I have always known this, that my childhood was lacking in places I didn’t really notice until I had a kid. I know my parents did the best they could, I didn’t really lack for much, but my noticing it now, makes me even more determined to make sure that Punky has the childhood I didn’t have.

With that said, we do so much with her that I never got to do. Tuesday, we went to the pumpkin patch and she had fun, even though she didn’t have a nap and kind of started to melt down. In the end, I think it was a success.

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This picture warms my heart, I absolutely love seeing Punky and K together.

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Punky is checking out the chickens.

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Taking a little break and looking around the scenery.

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This last week or so we have been putting together Punky’s big girl room. We finally got the non-essential furniture out of there and now, I’m totally going nuts! We have picked the universe theme. I like the sciencey bit of it and she really enjoys the stars and the lights that go with it.

We live in an apartment, so we aren’t supposed to paint the walls, so I did have to improvise some of the wall decor!

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So, while Punky heads into being 2 years old, we are getting ready to put together her toddler bed, finish up her room and continue to make me thrilled to have the child we have, tantrums and all!!

My next post will likely not be until after Halloween or the Halloween party we are going to this weekend. More pictures of that to come, for sure!

Dear Peyton – A Year Has Gone By

Dear Peyton,

It’s been a long time since I have written a letter to you and I think I will do that now. Mommy is still in awe of you. I am still trying to wrap my head around the little baby that has suddenly grown into a toddler. It still brings me to tears when I see you playing with your toys in the middle of the living room floor and it still brightens my day when you laugh out loud.

It’s such an exciting time for our family right now. Just in terms of the things you are doing. We just celebrated your first birthday, and what a first birthday it was! You are walking like a little pro now, though I really wish you would learn how to watch where you are walking. It may have saved a few chin and forehead bruises if you wouldn’t just trample everything in your path. I hope you are learning that your toy box is bigger than you, and you can’t just walk into it and expect it to move.

Mommy is really concerned about making the transition from formula to real milk. I know you like real milk, but we always said we wouldn’t put you to bed with a drink. We have been doing that up until this little conversation. I’m really afraid if we take that bottle away, your sleep routine will fly out the window. I sure hope I don’t have to sit through another round of crying it out.

While we are on the subject of crying it out, I want you to know that I felt super guilty about that, but I don’t regret it. I want you to know that I am certain you will have no long lasting negative effects because you cried it out as a baby. I also want to thank you for taking it easy on my heart and only having to cry it out for a few days before you got the hang of that sleep thing. If you could, please give Mommy’s heart a break if we have to do it again. You have been so great at that.

Since I am bringing up things you can consider giving your moms a break on; let’s work on not throwing our food on the floor. You see that your moms eat with fork and spoon, and though you still eat with your fingers, it would really help me out, if you could leave the food on your high chair tray. I know you think the cats are hungry, I promise they are not. Look at Kane, he’s twice the size of a normal cat! He really doesn’t need your help, sweetie. Besides, if you throw your food on the floor, Mommy has to spend time away from playing with you to clean it up.

I love sitting in the floor and rolling the ball around. I look forward to taking you to Gymboree, which is why I get so frustrated when you won’t take a nap and we can’t go! I absolutely can’t wait until I get off work and I can come home to sing and dance to the Giggle Bellies with you. I know I am not home with you as often as I would like, and it hurts my heart most days.

However, just remember, that I will spend as much time as I can with you and in the next few months, with summer coming, we will make special trips to the park a regular thing on the weekends. I can’t wait until we can go out for ice cream when you can spoon feed yourself!

After this first year has now flown by, I am beginning to realize that I have a daughter. An actual daughter. I have always known, logically, that I have a daughter. Now, I can let that sink in emotionally. I have a daughter and I will be able to raise you in ways I never was. I can spend time with you in ways that I didn’t have.

I have to apologize now, you will have the childhood I didn’t have growing up. I hope you will find it in your heart to be patient with me. To let me live through you. We will do things I didn’t do, we will experience things I didn’t experience. I will make sure you have plenty of moments in your life that you can look back and say, “I was a happy kid.” that’s all I ever want for you. To be a happy kid.

Love,

Mommy