I’m Not The Right Kind of Mom

I’ve struggled with whether or not to post this. Its been on my mind for a while. But, I do feel like moms get a bad wrap for not expressing “correct” feelings or for not being “the right kind of mom.”

It’s been weighing on me for months, really, this sense of not being good enough. Not being “cut out” to be a mom. Of questioning our decision to have a child and then myself in specific raising her. I’m deep in the anxiety that I was never meant to be a mom, that I am just not supposed to be a good one. I’m not alone. Which is why I’m not going to shy away from this topic any longer.

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And that’s because, the stigma about being a “bad mom” or a “hot mess” mom has a lot of negativity attached to it.  If you don’t love parenthood you are seen as a bad person. If you don’t want to spend all the time with your child, people look at you like you are lazy. If you don’t bathe your child every single night, you must be negligent.

Let’s get honest.

I spend a good deal of my day when I’m not working, being irritated by the singing, the talking, the climbing, the whining, the questions, the chanting of certain words like “mom” and “why.”  I spend a lot of time being annoyed by the repetitive statements or questions. I’m exhausted a majority of the time by finding my 4 year old under my feet YET AGAIN. The consistent need to be entertained and my consistent disinterest, is for sure in direct correlation.

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I’m not the mom that sits on the floor and finds joy in playing pretend with dolls for another time. I don’t want to oversee yet another one color painting and then clean it up. I don’t particularly care about bedtime stories every night or watching her make, yet another mess, with the bath water splashing.

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I’m not the right kind of mom, because we should all be loving every moment of this. We shouldn’t complain about the fact that our children are driving us nuts, that we don’t want to be surrounded by their kisses every second, and we should be grateful to have someone who loves us unconditionally. I find myself more snappy than loving, more stern than soft, more no than yes. And for that, I feel guilty. I feel like I’m screwing up my kid with my annoyance, with my irritation of her generally childlike antics, and my overall disdain for feeling smothered and claustrophobic by my child.

This is a side effect of my anxiety, I’ve learned after several months of therapy. Loud noises, repetitive statements, the endless questions grate on my nerves and I tend to lash out. I try so hard to be the mom I’m supposed to be and smile and bear it. I pick my battles, I hold off the sheer annoyance I feel, until I can’t hold it in anymore. And then for a few days or a few weeks, I withdraw into myself. I spend more time in bed than at work, I am less likely to go on adventures or rock finding excursion. I’m more harsh in my “teaching” and my sensitive little girl takes it to heart.

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I see it in her eyes when she hears “Don’t do that.” again when she’s singing the same sound over and over, louder and louder. I see it in the slump of her shoulders when I shake my head and nip the jumping on the bed, and thus landing onto me in the bud. I see the slight downturn of disappointment in her lips when she asks if we can go for a walk and I’m just not feeling it and instead say “Maybe later.”

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That makes me feel worse. Because I know she’s just being a kid. She’s not doing anything wrong and I love her to bits. I literally can’t even imagine my life without her. I’m in awe that we have a child every time I see her dance around the living room. But more often than not, I question whether I should be a mom at all. I clearly don’t enjoy a majority of it, and that’s a hard thing to admit. I don’t enjoy parenting, but I do enjoy my daughter.

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I feel like I have to justify that, because I feel like these words and sentiments automatically make people think I’m a monster. I’m terrible person, because I don’t enjoy or particularly like the idea of doing the “traditional” mom things. And I have been known to outwardly show it in the presence of my child.

I’m not the mom who enjoys going outside and playing hide and seek.

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I am not the mom who puts every single piece of scribbled artwork on the fridge.

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I am not the mom who watches movies with her without the cell phone in hand (because really? Who enjoys watching the same animated musical for the 60th time?) I am not the mom baking goodies and dessert for dinner. I am not the mom who cooks dinner every night, sometimes we feed her pizza, from the delivery and not with fresh garden products . OH NO!

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I am not the mom who schedules playdates. I am not the mom that does the dishes every night. I’m not the mom who bathes my kid every night and when I do – I leave her to play on her own. I’m not the mom who takes her to the park on fantastic weather days, every time it’s nice outside. I am not the mom who is actively sitting down to teach her how to read or write or memorize her numbers.

BUT. I am the mom who will cuddle her when she is sick, she can puke on me, and she has alot.

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I am calm and quiet when she needs someone to hug her after a hard day of being a kid. The mom that simply says, “I love you anyway.” when she’s mad enough to fling the hateful “I don’t love you!” around. I’m the mom that allows her to say “Mommy, that’s not right,” and she can speak her mind, voice her own opinions and feelings. I’m the mom with the patience for that.

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I’m the mom who stays up til late hours of the night to deck out a wagon that she will only appreciate for 20 minutes.

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I am the mom with the magic kisses for all her boo-boos. The mom who will help her crack the eggs, no matter how long it takes and how many shells I have to fish out – because I have learned this is an area I’m calm about. I’m the mom who fosters her sense of wonder and encourages her to ask those questions, even when I’m tired of answering them over and over.

I’m the mom who surprises her with elaborate birthday gifts like swingsets in the backyard.

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I’m the mom who will allow her to choose her own path – and that includes allowing her to wear whatever she wants,

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Encourages her to reach for the stars.

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Believe in fairies, and never lose sight of her imagination.

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I’m the mom that will open another package of beads that I didn’t really want to share when she asks if she can make a bracelet too. I’m the mom who diligently shows her how to thread the tiny beads onto the wire and teach her how to keep the wire sturdy and easy to work with.

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I’m not a June Cleaver mom and most days I feel like I’m failing at this, that I probably shouldn’t be a mom or I made a terrible mistake and I’m screwing up my kid in the process. If you feel like you are failing, I’m here to be a reminder to you that you are doing a great job. That while parenting isn’t rainbows and butterflies and it’s not all we post it to be; you are good enough. Your version of being a mom is unique. You don’t have to be good at or enjoy every part of it. Being a mom is usually a thankless, low paying, low incentive, morality draining job.

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But at the end of the day, you do the best you can and you know your kid knows you love them as much as you know you love them more than life without them. Hold your babies close and remember, this too shall pass and in the end, all that matters to raising beautiful human beings that you release into the wild to make their own way in this life.

Raise them with as little need of adult therapy as you can muster.

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I’m Embarrassed to be American

And if you are a woman,  I think you have good reason to be embarrassed. Let’s start this off with – if you are a Trump supporter, you aren’t going to like what I have to say. And after the new video from the Washington Post was aired, I don’t care if you like it or not.

Anywhere in our developed world, unless you are living under a rock, you have already seen this video, but let’s replay it now.

It doesn’t matter if he apologized or if it happened years ago.

Newsflash! He is still saying these things to and about women. He is still doing the things he apologizes for. He’s a damn disaster and an embarrassment. The mental gymnastics people go through to continue to support this terrible human being in the current run for our President of the United States, and justify it with “emails” is astonishing to me.

What about the allegations by cast and crew of “The Apprentice” that mention he objectified women, commented on their looks and went so far as to sexually harass them in front of co-workers? How about that softcore porn he made a cameo in? Still don’t wanna think twice about supporting him? What happened to the media shitstorm about allegations he is going ON TRIAL for rape in the 90’s of a 13 year old girl??

Instead his supporters are blaming the people who bring up allegations. Stating they just want him to look bad or they just want his money. It’s their fault, they knew how he was, they didn’t have to work for him, they could have reported it. It was a long time ago, he’s sorry. It was just locker room talk, he didn’t mean anything by it.

All ridiculous and completely astonishing defenses for this man’s behavior of women, both in the workplace and personal spaces. But we want to allow him to represent us and interact with foreign leaders of power? Can you even imagine his debate showing of interrupting Hillary and simply rebutting with “No!” “Wrong” “You can’t prove that.” while in a meeting with foreign leaders??

Where’s the substance? Where are his policies? His thoughts on veteran affairs? Oh right, PTSD sufferers are weak and he should know because he has extensive experience in MILITARY SCHOOL and never having actually been to war, dodged the draft in fact, but he surely could handle what our soldiers go through.

screenshot-5(And while I will admit that he probably didn’t mean it the way people took it, he did say it. And actual sufferers of PTSD (myself included) are allowed to take those comments how we wish and interpret them as we see fit.) Frankly those with PTSD or any other mental illness are reluctant about getting help already, because they have heard exact statements like these.

Maybe he will make another apology?

We should dub his campaign the Foot in Mouth every-ISM, apology tour.

Let’s face it, whether people want to believe it or not –

We are conditioned as a society to see fault in a powerful woman and never give her the benefit of the doubt. Even if she did the things she’s accused of but never actual proven or convicted of, people will still say she’s unfit. She’s criticized for her “robotic tone” and her “fashion sense” instead of her policies. Yet the first Presidential debate, I know more about what she will be doing as President and the plans she has in place for this country. What I have of Trump’s plan is that he doesn’t have a plan, that he is just there to interrupt her and never say anything of substance.

Can anyone tell me what his stand on education is? LGBT rights? Women’s wages? Maternity leave in the US is appalling and the lowest of countries around the world Is he going to bridge that gap?

Hillary held to decisions she made many years ago and yet it’s ok for him to simply apologize and continue his behaviors. We can all talk about “deaths” Hilary caused or didn’t cause. According to this Quora article

“more than $20 million spent in almost 1200 days … We did not investigate the attacks on our own soil on September 11, 2001, with anything like the exhaustive probing by investigators on this same date eleven years later in Benghazi. This is both telling and troubling. …. All of the Republican members of this latest committee were highly critical of a lack of security in Benghazi, yet each of them declined to provide the full amount of embassy security funding requested by President Barack Obama just prior to the attack.”

But it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault?? She did this? So does that make George W Bush at fault for the 9/11 attacks? Katrina, maybe? No? Is that because he’s a man and she’s a woman and we aren’t ready, as a patriarchal society made of privileged white heterosexual wealthy men, for a woman to call the shots?

She’s even blamed for the past actions of her husband, because in today’s society, women can’t have their own accomplishments or failures. They can’t stand alone without their male counterparts shadowing good or bad. Just like the Olympics coverage this year on female athletes.

Cosmo has compiled all those comments about what an athlete was wearing, if they looked good in a dress and whether they “swim like a man” in this article and it’s so disturbing the lengths in which people subconsciously do this to women all over the United States and usually without malicious intent. Because that’s the kind of country we live in and we are supposed to be proud of!?

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So let’s talk about emails vs tax evasion??

The biggest argument about her emails is that it left her open to hackers and could have been open to leaking secure information in an age of internet hackers and such. I get that. I can see that being an issue. However, let’s get real – the FBI investigated the method of which the deleted emails were done and found no malice. She didn’t follow the rules? I get that too. It doesn’t make her corrupt. I know I have made convenient choices so I didn’t have to log into completely different places for the exact same shit.

Should she be reprimanded? Yes. And she was investigated.

Should she apologize? Yes. And she has. Repeatedly. (But Trump can apologize IF he offended anyone with his remarks and he’s golden?)

Could she have been hacked? Sure and was she? We don’t know if a sophisticated hacker got in and got out without notice. But the fact of the matter remains that frankly even if she HAD followed protocol and used the ‘secure’ email, it’s very likely she could have still been hacked. According to this Politifact article on the emails

“Had Clinton used an @state.gov email address, it’s very likely that it would have been hacked, too. In fact, it’s known that Russian actors recently hacked the State Department email system. According to the New York Times, some State Department employees turned to private email addresses at least temporarily in order to avoid Russian hacker disruptions.”

What makes her emails so different? So fundamentally sacred and at the same time must be guarded more than anyone else’s? They aren’t. That’s the point.

I’m gonna call it like it is and say this is all about her being a woman. A woman of power. And a woman isn’t fit to run the country right? Especially if she can’t even use the right emails for her job and her husband has an affair while in the White House. Because that’s her fault too. Right?

You may argue that Donald Trump isn’t harming or “killing” people by exploiting the tax rules to get around paying taxes for the last 18 years. But let’s not forget that the taxes that we pay are used for public service like fire departments, police and other safety measures to keep our citizens safe. But he’d rather continue to put our country in debt by making us great and safe again by walling us in. Essentially getting the American people to endorse their own imprisonment for his entertainment.

The military is supported by our taxes. Do you support veterans? If you pay your taxes, you do. Trump hasn’t paid taxes in 18 years! But he has his thoughts on the way the war played out, and criticism for the way our military is run, but he’s not contributing to make it any better with anything but words and tax evasion.

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Like Hillary is being blamed for the deaths that may or may not have been caused from a chain reaction of a mistake in judgement she had with some emails, can we now blame Donald Trump for the deaths of babies who can’t eat because their government didn’t have enough money? Or the children in cities where music, art, and life skills have been cut from school funding – underpaid and overworked teachers reaching into their own pockets to further educate our children – because if he was paying his fair share, he could have contributed to keeping kids off the streets and in legit programs instead of drugs or gangs.

People are always up in arms about how “welfare queens” are scamming the system and taking all our hard earned tax money for their out of wedlock babies, because abortion is a terrible thing, but feeding those babies they want her to have is just too much. But Trump is a genius, a great businessman because he can skirt the taxes and he’s heralded as a hero. What’s the difference?

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Oh, I see. He’s a rich white man and she’s a poor woman who can’t get a job in the economy that was tanked in the Bu sh administration and has seen a significant increase in jobs under Obama. I also know many women personally who have had deadbeat dads of their children “legally” skirt the child support system (much like Trump is legally evading his taxes and avoids paying fair wages or contractual agreements for work done by employees.) and the living wage of the current working adult is not enough to actually live on or support the children being brought into this country due to abortion legalities. These women are working. These families are trying. It doesn’t make a difference. But it’s THEIR fault we are in debt?

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He talks about the debt and the fact that Hillary Clinton and Obama should have fixed it already, and he would have already fixed it, blah blah blah.He’s complaining about and claiming to be able to fix a system he has admitted to scamming. But Hillary is the corrupt one? Ya know, because “emails, ya’ll”.

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We are up in arms because a black athlete protests the flag and the national anthem and states “We need to do better”, but Trump comes out of the gate hollering about making America great again (in essence also saying We need to do better) and he’s a damn hero to the nation of white supremacists and rich politicians and business leaders?!

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This circus makes no sense to me. And I can’t wrap my head around how people are still on board to have him as President.

But this man can say appalling things, contribute to rape culture, bigotry, misogyny, racism, and fear mongering and just wash it clean with an “apology” and no action to back it up. No real plans to help fix the problems he’s helped create.

I call bullshit.

This is the country we live in. The country of hypocrisy, blind eyes, and privilege. The country we are supposed to be proud of. That has a military we are supposed to support. But only us, Trump doesn’t need to pay a fair share to that to claim a winning fix to it. A country based on a “christian values” while we allow someone who is in line to RUN THE COUNTRY to say and do whatever he wants and there’s always an excuse or an accepted half-hearted apology.

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Let’s say if you still support this man, we aren’t ever going to agree and you should hide and/or remove me from your feed before you feel the need to debate me on it.