Abandoned Corner of the Internet

I know I have simply abandoned my blog and for that I’m super sad. But lately, lots of things make me super sad. It’s a sad life to live when you find victory in just getting out of bed and going to work. And staying there. Mental struggles in my head are pretty rampant right now. I absolutely love my job and it’s sooooo much less stress than the old job, I just have no idea what the problem is. I’m working with a therapist to figure this shit out, but so far, I just feel like I’m floating around, buoyed by the sense that I have to keep going, just because that’s life and that’s what you are expected to do as an adult.

But, somedays, I feel like a disservice as a wife and a mom. It’s been difficult to engage in much. I having more and more anxiety and less nights of sleep. More nights of nightmares of shit that won’t actually happen and less pretend smiles. It really frustrates me that I don’t have a reason to be “depressed”. I have no reason to be the way I am.

I just am.

And there’s no reason for it.

Not when I have so much more in my life that is worth every bit of happiness I should be experiencing.

I do the best I can and I don’t feel like it’s enough. But, we have had some adventures, so I suppose that’s something.

We have been enjoying the nice Fall weather that looks like it might stick around finally.

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We have been spending time with friends in the Pumpkin Patch and carving pumpkins.

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And we have been counting down the days to Halloween. Punky is really looking forward to Halloween right now. When I asked her what she wanted to be for Halloween and she responded with “Kitty Fairy”. I was dumbfounded by what that meant, so we sort of pieced things together.

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There’s so much we have done and I can’t find much joy in any of it. It’s the hardest thing to admit. To myself, to the world. I just don’t know how to get out of this funk. It just gets worse. I can’t make myself get up off the couch and actually leave my house. It’s a struggle to get to work. A job I really like. It’s a struggle to dance with my kid. It’s a struggle to do anything but sit in my own thoughts and wonder where things went wrong and how to get back on track.

I have so much that I should be light about, and yet, my heart is too heavy to believe any of it.

Maybe a new year, god it’s already almost 2016! Maybe a new year will wash my slate clean – I don’t really want to wait that long, but dragging myself out of this hole of anxiety and depression has been a battle for several months. I am hanging on by my fingernails, for dear life.

Just making it. Doing the minimum and doing my best to not effect my kid with this funk.

9 thoughts on “Abandoned Corner of the Internet

  1. I’m glad to see your words, I’ve thought of you all recently and hoped you were ok. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. I’ve been in a similar place but not in a very long time. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. I hope they’re able to help you sort it out and dig yourself out of that space.

    • Thanks! It’s been a long time since I’ve been this bad, in fact, I’m not sure it’s ever been this bad. I appreciate your kind words though, the blog community we have here is just so wonderful.

  2. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling, Rachael. Depression is a bitch. There doesn’t have to be a reason it descends – it just does. The fog will lift, and I hope it lifts very soon so you can find joy in your days once more.

    • Thanks Lindsay. I think my main issue is that I don’t want to show my kid the depressed mom she has, because of course, in my anxious mind it means I’m going to mess her little mind up too.

  3. As someone who also suffers from depression and anxiety, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I remember how difficult it was to get myself out of the deepest pits, but just know that you will eventually get out of this funk. We’re thinking of you, and sending you warmth and sunshine to carry away those dark clouds.

  4. Depression has no rhyme or reason. It can happen even when EVERYTHING is going right. That’s what people don’t understand. I just bought my dream house and I STILL have my days where nothing feels good. That’s because depression is a bastard. What matters is that you ARE getting out of bed and making an effort, and that makes you a good wife and mother.

  5. I have had bouts of depression and I suffer from anxiety as well. Last year, summer was a bitch. I was anxious and depressed and couldn’t shake myself out of it. Then I remembered something that helped me before. It’s an audio program called Think Right Now! They have ones for all sorts of issues, but the one I have is for anxiety and depression. It’s a CD. You just listen to it for an hour as often as you can. They recommend you fall asleep at night listening to it, but I can’t seem to do that.

    When the funk hit last summer, I immediately started listening to it again once a day. Within a week I felt so much better!! It re-programs your thinking. I couldn’t believe how good I felt all winter last year because that’s usually when the funk creeps in. I would highly recommend it. It is a little pricey, but it’s worth it because it truly works.

    Just so you know, I am not part of the company and have nothing to gain from telling you all of this. I just wanted to share a tool with you since it really works for me 🙂

    Good luck with everything. I know how much it sucks. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though 🙂

  6. depression is hands down the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. Conquering it sometimes seemed completely and totally impossible, and i honestly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone someone I consider a friend…I’m sorry you’re dealing with this…it really sucks to be present but not, if that makes any sense. From the pictures though, it seems like Punky has no idea so that is a good thing, so consider that a parenting win! You’re in therapy, and that’s the best place to start. You are going through the motions (fake it till you make it) and that is such an important part of recovering from depression. You are doing all the right things friend…I hope things start to look up…have they/you considered medication? I know that a lot of people are opposed to it, but it’s been proved that therapy and medication combined give the best results. An anti-depressant can go a long way…either way, I know how you feel, and things get better so long as you want them to, and it seems like you really, really want them too! I’m thinking of you…

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