So much and So Little

I’ve been negligent of this blog, mostly because – I just don’t want to write about all the thing that have been going through my head lately. The hit and run saga with the neighbor is still ongoing. The insurance has declined the claim, due to both a police report stating I’m not the one who hit his car and the pictures of the alleged damage dating back to 2013. He disputed it. So I had to get my car inspected by a Geico claim person, who again told me not to worry about it. My claims lady called last week and said we were waiting on him. I’m waiting on him. He’s the one disputing it, I didn’t hit his car, and I’m waiting on him. What an asshole.

In other news, we have been searching for a new place. We have been living in this basement for a year. It’s a lot longer than I ever expected to be living. With the move in of Kim’s sister, the house has gotten more cramped, not to mention we are now sharing our basement with our three year old. She’s going to bed later, getting up earlier, I’m beginning to think the sleep isn’t really happening for her, like it should.

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Of course my work schedule has changed, so I’m also home later. I feel like I have no time with her. I make myself do things with her on the weekend, because even though I’m tired, I don’t think I get much time with her anymore. I probably get the same amount of time, it’s just the chunks are cut in half and at different times now. Morning and night. My whole day is at work. From 10-7pm.  I miss my munchkin, but  when I’m home, she misses me so much she suffocates me sometimes. Then I feel like a shitty mom for wanting my own damn space. And so the cycle goes on and on.

I think my life would feel lighter if we had our own place again. If we just had our own space. I had a place I could just go to for a few minutes to myself. A quiet space. A place of alone. But, the house hunting is going poorly. We have been declined on renting places twice now, and the few we have called on are too expensive for us to rent. This is mostly due to my poor credit, and I don’t know how to fix it. I never really cared about that kind of thing and being the girl who lived paycheck to paycheck, I’m learning we have been pretty lucky in the past. Not so lucky now.

So I’m becoming discouraged. It doesn’t bode well for my confidence or my self esteem. Not to mention that with my work schedule I don’t have time to call these places, and it’s my income and my information they need. Making the house hunting a pile of not fun and disappointment. What makes it worse is that I have saved enough money back for a deposit and a first month’s rent, and continue to put money back. I have the money in my hands and no one wants to take it from me. I have us on a budget, I have been able to make it to pay day with more than $30 in the bank. 44

These small victories are hard to celebrate and be happy about, when it amounts to nothing as we still live in this basement.

While it would seem that I don’t like my new job. I actually love it. I have never been in an atmosphere that is so laid back, so inclusive, and so diverse. It’s a great job full of great people and it’s where I need to be. I just wish I had jumped the ship at my previous sanity draining job four years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have such a lasting damaging effect from it now. People surely wonder what was so bad about that job and I will just say that I was screwed over by the leadership so many times, I lost faith in a company that I was with for 10 years. It takes a lot for someone who is established somewhere for that long to up and leave. And I did it, because it was healthier for me. I feel better about myself, my life and my future.

My computer has been fried twice now in a week and it’s making it difficult to keep up with my Etsy shop. I so love my shop, but I’m starting to think I need to take a break from it. I don’t have the time. I want to have the time. I really enjoy designing things and there are so few invitations options for families like mine and the rest of the LGBT community, I don’t want to shut down and leave the options fewer.

The weight is heavy on my shoulders, but well, I know I just need to get out of my funk. It’s all piling up to create a beast inside. Making me not interested in enjoying anything or doing anything but lay on the couch and binge watch something on Netflix.

In better news, I have saved enough that I was able to buy a better camera from my sister in law. It was a happy coincidence that she got a new one and I was able to purchase her old one! It takes excellent pictures and it gets me out of the house with our sweet girl. We’ve been on a lot of adventures together with it.

My goal, whether I feel like it or not, is to never let my kid know how down I am. Never let her know that life is not as fun and carefree as her childhood reflects. She will never feel the weight on her own shoulders. I refuse to allow that. I will keep her a kid for as long as I can. A happy, fun, and carefree kid.

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If you follow me on Facebook, you have seen these pictures, but my kid is a climber. I call her monkey. She’s Punky on here, but she’s my little monkey. She climbs everything. Including this 30 foot rope pyramid. No matter how tall, as long as it is stationary and has hand and feet holds, she will climb the shit out of anything. She’s destined to give me pre-mature grey hair. Good thing I dye it!

Our weekends are packed full of a balance of relaxation and adventure! Yesterday was no different. We went to a flower garden in a heat advisory. Not the best planning on our part, but Punky’s best friend Cheeks and her mom went with us. These girls have been friends since they started walking and it’s been so awesome to see them grow up and play together!

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Regardless of the negative in my head right now, the outward is happy and beautiful. My life is worth so much of thankful things, things I have that are great. I just get stuck in my head sometimes. And the anxiety and worry and the beating myself up gets in the way sometimes of the beauty of my life right in front of me.

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10 thoughts on “So much and So Little

  1. I’m sorry to hear abt the living situation. I experienced “bad credit” issues as well. My parents never taught me the importance of having good credit and it was a hard (and expensive) lesson learned. Maybe see if you can find a place to rent from an individual landlord and offer to pay double deposit and first months rent in advance. I know this sounds ridiculous but it helped me w my first place. Also, maybe open a secured credit card (usually you give them $200 up front, they give you a $300-500 credit limit… In a year or two it’s no longer secure and you get your deposit back) it took me almost 7 years to clean up my credit by allowing it to “fall off” because I didn’t have a good job and/or care to clean up my mess. Now, 10 yrs from when I destroyed it, I have a great credit score and I’m far from where I used to be. Give it time. Patience is a virtue. Congrats on the new camera. It does take great pics! Glad to see that precious little face. 🙂

    • Thanks for the tips! My bank offers a secured credit card and it seemed to be an option I wanted to look into. I just don’t know if I have the patience to work on it for YEARS. LOL. I appreciate your kind words though!

  2. It’s nice to read an update from you. I hope you find a place soon, and that they are as excited to have you as they should be. That lil Punky is getting more and more beautiful by the post! Hugs to you three ❤️

  3. Punky’s pictures are beautiful! You’re doing what all moms do. Beating yourself up. Been there, still doing that. We need to know that all moms feel this way, at least the ones who care that their kiddos get quality time.

    Remember something – you and your family are making a difference in other families, mine in particular. Each time my kids spend time around two moms and their precious girl, they are learning that all families are made up of different people, that every family has their own unique blend, mine no different even though I am heterosexual. They are learning to be inclusive of other children whose families are not like their own. This is building exactly what you dream about. A world where Punky does not have to worry about being made fun of. In your quiet way, just being honest, open and THERE with your child is teaching mine to understand. I will be forever grateful for your influence in our lives. There are no accidents. ❤

  4. Bad credit! Ugh! Story of my life!I’ve been trying to get my credit sorted out for the past year or so in order to be able to buy a house, and although it’s proved pretty difficult, we are well on our way to making that dream a reality. Id like to make a suggestion. Go to your local bank and talk to their financial adviser. It’s usually free (at my bank it is) and tell them a little bit about your history (make sure you are as honest as possible – they might judge you, but not in your face, so it’s totally ok!), and see what options they have for you to try and start restoring your credit and paying off some debt. That’s what we did, and it’s been working out well for us. I mean, we got a pretty bad ass apartment in a really great area with one of the top 10 school districts in the country. I mean, we are living pretty tight with Callie not working, but it’s ok for us. See if that helps at all. And Punky is just getting so big! Little daredevil, i see!

    • Definitely a daredevil! Anyway! I really appreciate your tips. My bank has a secured credit card and I thought about that, as the bank guy told me it would help sort out my credit a bit better. I’m looking into it. 🙂

  5. You’re always so honest about what you’re going through, Rachael and I love that about you. I too have been going through a bit of a blogging slump but I’m hoping to get some posts in today. I understand how you feel about having spent 10 years with a company that didn’t appreciate you and how much that sucks. I just left the company that I was with for 9 1/2 years and I can’t wait until I’m in a new position that I love as much as you love yours! Finances for us are VERY tight right now as well but like you said, we try to make sure Grace has no idea we’re going through a tough time. I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished during this year that you’ve lived with Kim’s parents and I hope you’re proud of yourself too, because you should be. Just keep swimming. 🙂

    • Thanks, girl! I appreciate your words, it’s hard to keep swimming, when you swim in a darkness; but I am doing the best I can over here! 😛 Keep your head up, too! You are a wonderful mama and I’m rooting for you guys! I sooooo wish we lived closer, because I just know the girls would have a blast!

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