Fever Roller Coasters are Just Not Fun

My baby girl has had what I like to think of as a spontaneous fever outbreak. It’s the third full day and she goes from 103-104 degree temp, Tylenol, fever breaks for a few hours and then back again. She’s kicked me out of my sleeping place twice this week, finally sleeping with Mama in her bed last night.

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When her fever is down, she’s happy, running, singing even. Serenading me on the fire place which has become her stage. When she’s hot, she burns me through her clothes and mine. So much so that I get scared. I’m nervous. But, the pediatrician’s office says there’s nothing they can do for her if her fever breaks – so just keep her comfortable and make sure she drinks plenty of fluids.

She’s been drinking thank goodness.

Thank the person who made the chew-able Tylenol, my daughter hates, but will actually take – opposed to the liquid, she refuses.

This Mommy is at her wits end. When today was a full day of whining, crying, SCREAMING which all resulted in a migraine for me. One like I haven’t had in a while. The kind that made me what to vomit. Need of a dark room and sobbing in the guilt I felt for being so frustrated with her for being sick.

Like it’s her fault.

Shit, I know its not her fault.

She’s sick. She’s irritable. She hit me in the face. I put her bed, I was at the end of my rope. I lost my compassion. I lost my cool. And I felt terrible.

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I took a nap, I cleaned up my act and I figured shit out.

She fell asleep again, tonight, where she has been on and off for three days. On her Doc McStuffins couch in front of a British cat from Netflix. I can’t fix her. I don’t know what else to do, but hold her and cuddle her and kiss her burning cheeks.

I’m tired. I’m worried. I’m overwhelmed.

I carried her to bed tonight, tucked her in and took off pants to try and cool her off.

I did my best to coax her into taking medicine she hates, pushing it back into her mouth when she spit it out. Waiting for it to dissolve.

It’s been a hellish week. With no end in sight. I thought – I hoped – she was better this afternoon, but the fever came back.

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My sweet girl is sick and it’s breaking my heart. I can’t fix it. I can’t help her. All I can do is watch her be miserable.

And that’s just not the way I like to spend my days.

Blue is for Boys. I am a Girl.

I really didn’t expect that phrase so soon. I mean … THREE.

I’m sure I helped perpetuate the norms of boy and girl separation. We are potty training, so when we were out at Olive Garden once, she attempted to go into the men’s restroom and I redirected her to the little icon with the dress and said, “Girls go in this potty.” Mostly , so that she would know that boys and girls don’t go to the bathroom together, but well, I think I just made it stick in her head that girls wear dresses and boys don’t.

Now I’m frustrated. Not because it’s that big of a deal and frankly, she can like what she wants, be what she wants.

She’s old enough now to make her own choices. I’m doing my very best to make sure she knows she has options. She doesn’t have to be stuck in the social norms of what is expected of her.

She loves pink. Absolutely loves it. And I’m okay with that. When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday theme to be, she told me Minnie and Mickey. I asked if she wanted Minnie to wear a pink dress or a red one. She picked pink. No hesitation. So pink it was and that included her pink castle cake. (Yes, that’s a cake, thanks Grammy!)

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Her Minnie Mouse Tea party was a little more low key than we have been used to, but with my being out of work right now, we didn’t have the money we usually have to rent the clubhouse and hold all the people we wanted to invite. So we invited her friends and mostly immediate family like grandparents and aunts/uncles who could make it.

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She likes to climb shit. Loves it. She loves to climb, the higher the better. And I’m well, I’m not okay with it as it gives me anxiety, but I’m okay with it.

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The pyramid she’s climbing in that second picture is 30 feet high made of metal and ropes. The sign outside the pyramid says for 5+ years and it probably makes me an irresponsible mom, but she’s been eyeballing the damn thing for over a year. Kim came with us to the park this last time and convinced me to let her climb it.

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Kim helped me keep my cool while my heart was in my throat, threatening to pump right out of my body! Literally, I was having small panic attacks the whole time, small squeaks emitted from my mouth and I was bouncing around on the ground like a spotter in gym, waiting for her to come tumbling down from that thing.

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But no matter how terrifying it was for me, so much so that Kim had to remind me to take pictures, which never happens. I am ALWAYS taking pictures, I don’t want her to lose that adventurous spirit. I don’t want her to be stuck in a box that says Boys do this and Girls do this. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her to be “girly” or traditionally feminine if that’s what she wants to be. I’m not bucking society just to be “progressive”. I just want to make sure that she know she has choices, that she has options. She can be whoever and whatever she wants to be!

Since she has had her birthday, we have kicked up our bedtime routine a notch. We read a story or two before bed every night and I think she really enjoys it. She can actually sit through a story and she can interact with me. It’s amazing to me the things she remembers.

We even went to the library the other day and she got to pick out her own book. From the time I told her we were going until we got there, she told me she wanted a “spider book” (YUCK), so we got her a spider book and she loves it, so much so, I may have to purchase it. She also got a Princess book, the “mouse and cookie” book, and “Llama Llama mad at Mama”.

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Along with a bed time story, I always ask her what her favorite part of the day was and what she wants to do tomorrow. I also ask her what she wants to be when she grows up. She’s been pretty consistent for the last several months in saying “Doctor”. Guess I better save some money!

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Whatever she wants, I just want to nurture her spirit, her imagination and creatiivity. I want her to know she has so many options that she doesn’t have to stick to the norms of society, the gender stereotypes. I was just so disheartened today when I heard the phrase come out of her mouth.

“I don’t like blue. Blue is for boys.”

But blue isn’t just for boys. How do you relay that to a kid? She has to have heard that somewhere and it makes me sad. I have been working really hard to break those thoughts and really steer her down her own path, where ever that will be, I will follow her lead. And if she really just doesn’t like blue, that’s OK! I just don’t want it to be because she’s a girl and girls don’t like blue.

The more she grows, the more personality she gives and shows. I’m enjoying seeing her grow into this little person all of her own, but I want her to be the one making those choices, for herself. Because I love her with my whole heart and I want her to love herself with her whole heart.

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Punky’s Third Birthday Minnie Mouse Extravaganza

So the night before her birthday, we got her a box a filled it with all the Disney on Ice things. I made her shirt and my shirt, wrote her a little letter from Minnie, put in the real tickets and her pretty pretend tickets and wrapped it up like a mailed package. Put a clubhouse postage stamp on it and set it on the porch.

All while she was napping in our room downstairs.

I didn’t get a picture of the box, because I hadn’t found my real camera and my phone camera takes crappy pictures. We did take a video of her opening the box with Grammy’s phone, but she wasn’t nearly as excited as I wanted her to be (She’s three and didn’t fully get it!)

But, I have the pictures of the things inside.

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Letter from Minnie, inviting her to the show!

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Her special ticket, signed by Minnie and Mickey

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Clubhouse postage shipping label

So, when she got up from her nap, Kim told Punky that she thought she saw a mouse outside!

Punky was so surprised that she said, “What? Like Mickey Mouse??”

Kim said, “I don’t know, I just saw a mouse out there.”

Punky peeked outside and spotted the box and said, “I see Minnie and Mickey in the street and they are holding my hands and we are walking together! Oh, look, it’s a mouse box.”

So, we went to investigate and she pulled the box out. It had all her goodies in it. She didn’t fully understand what was happening, but she thought the idea of Disney on Ice was fun and it was neat that Minnie put a present on her porch.

So yesterday was her THIRD birthday. Jeez, where has the time gone!?

I got up before she did and reveled in the quiet of the morning that would be a busy busy day full of birthday fun and running around. I posted this on my Facebook page and meant every word of it. I think when we want something so badly and we work so hard to get it, the amazement never fades. I am still astonished that I have a kid, let along a three year old. I’m also sooo astonished that such a tiny person could complete me so much, to overflowing (even when she’s a holy fucking terror).

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As a side note, if any of my blog friends want to follow me on Facebook, it’s my personal page, but you are welcome to message me or email me (in the password page, email is listed) and I’m happy to give you the details. It’s mostly just pictures of Punky!

I woke her up with a Happy Birthday song and she woke up and we had birthday waffles. With my being off work right now and my short term disability not being effective like it’s supposed to be (another blog topic), we are completely out of money until Wednesday. So I didn’t get to have any special ready for her, like balloons or something. Instead, I warmed up some frozen waffles and stuck some candles in them.

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While she ate her birthday waffles, I went to town on her hair. She was so occupied with the waffles, I was able to get the bow styled into her hair! It was a success. This tutorial I found on Pinterest, was perfect and helped a bunch! I added her Minnie Mouse ribbon bow to the center and she was set.

We had a blast at Disney on Ice, so much so that I took too many pictures and videos to share them all. I also probably have more favorites than are necessary, but I found my real camera the night before we went, so of course, pictures were plenty!

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The show was definitely worth the money I spent. And as someone who has anxiety about driving, especially in downtown, we made it without any real issues, thank goodness. This kid better know how much I love her, I drove there and back by myself. Anyway, we were in row 6, right behind the rink side seats, so the show was pretty close and she was able to see for the most part. (Except for the adult heads in front of her) She sat on my lap and stood up for most of it.

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After the show, we went home and relaxed for a bit before we headed to her godparents’ house for a little celebration of cupcakes and bubbles and presents.

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Its getting sooo nice outside during the afternoon, it’s like spring has sprung suddenly. So, she got to ride her bike until the street lights came on and we went inside for dinner.

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We rounded the evening will a special birthday dinner. Papa asked her what she wanted to eat and she asked for hamburgers and noodles. We had fries and cupcakes too.

This video is hilarious by the way. She blew out her candles on her cupcake at dinner and we were left with icing, adult words, and pure laughter. Because well, I love it.

So, even though Mommy didn’t have much money to do anything for her birthday like we usually do, we have support and love of her family and our friends and I think her party was great!

Next week we are having a tea party for all her little friends. And I just found out my mom and my sister (and all her kids!) are coming to join us. I’m so excited about that! They live three hours away and I miss them all soooo much. So, it will be fun for everyone!

A Rose By Any Other Name….

So we went to the Social Security office to get a replacement card for Miss Punky. We figured since we were already there, we might as well get my name changed, since it takes forever to drive there and it’s a pain in the ass to go there.

We found out that Missouri is STILL in appeal, thus we can’t change my name.

So does that mean we are really married? I don’t know. I still go by that name,but it makes things confusing when we have to do legal stuff like applications and job stuff. Signing up for things and the like is difficult, because I have to remember which name I have given to people in order to be consistent.

It’s just a little disheartening that we have a marriage license, its signed and paid for. And yet, I can’t legally change my name and it’s just a name – it’s not a validation of our marriage or our commitment to each other. It’s just sad that we have to go through all these hoops and then I see comments on my news feed in regards to politics and religion that want to tear down the basis of my family. All the while, these same people saying things like “I don’t agree with your position on this, but you know I love your family.”

Obviously … I just don’t see the logic behind that.

People are always, in my mind, entitled to their opinion, though I would appreciate less platitudes from my ‘friends’ in regards to my family. If you support certain politicians or certain laws being put in place, that’s great, but it doesn’t do me any confidence, only some kind of band-aid, for you to say, “But, it doesn’t really apply to you!”

I mean really. It’s like saying “I don’t like your lifestyle and you are probably going to hell, but I love you anyway.” That statement is so contradictory. I just don’t understand and I generally ignore these comments, internalize them. I just brush them off and pretend it doesn’t matter, because it won’t matter to the person I attempt to educate. Because these people, who say things like this don’t know what it’s like to live the life I live, in the family I live. To be me. People think they know, but they don’t. It’s not your experience, you have no idea.

And of course, this is all over a damn name change.

Anyway! Onto more exciting news!

Miss Punky will be three on Saturday!

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With my issues with work right now, and my sudden stay at home status – money has been tight. I’m used to giving her the giant parties and celebrating her birthday with lots and lots of love, family, friends, and decorations. Unfortunately, this year, the big extravaganza is not an option. I’m sad about it, but it’s my hang up. I know that she won’t remember, I know the parties are more for me than for her. I know that, in my logical mind.

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Play glasses from the eye doctor recycle bin.

But, in my effort to make Punky’s childhood more fun and more child-like than mine was. So, I parent out of my own guilt and out of my own trauma. I know that – with my therapist’s help, I get it. But, I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I just have to remember that I’m the best mom I can be. No amount of money, no amount of parties or things will change that. So, before we ran out of money, I purchased two tickets to Disney on Ice for myself and Punky. I’ve never been before, but it looks like something she will really enjoy.

She got a birthday present in the mail from a relative out of town, so I will be using that box to put together an extra special “invitation from Minnie Mouse” to enjoy the show!

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I’m also going to be making her an outfit sent in the box from Minnie Mouse for her to wear to the show. I am making her a shirt with Minnie Mouse on the front and “It’s My Birthday” and on the back it will have her name and the number 3, like a jersey. Pair that shirt with a tutu skirt, tights, and her high tops, she’s going to be set.

I have also been holding onto a very pretty sparkly necklace with a Minnie Mouse Pendant for her to wear with her outfit.

Along with all my lofty goals, I want to do her hair with this tutorial. It’s going to be fantastic if I can get her to sit still long enough!

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So the box will be on the porch for her. I can’t decide if I should give it to her the night before or the morning of! Decisions, Decisions.

My little Punky will have a great third birthday, I just want her to have fun and enjoy being a kid. I just want her to stay as sweet and innocent as she is when she sleeps! This is the best way I can do it.

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Along with her Disney on Ice experience, her godparents are planning a miniature party for her as well on her birthday at their house and then next week, we are having a tea party for her and her little friends here at our house.

So, not a giant party, but it will hopefully still be as special as she is! Because, boy do we love this little girl so much!