On This … Our Wedding Day.

Which was not to be.

We didn’t get married. We didn’t call to check on the status. Instead, I drove home from my parents’ house 3 hours away with a carsick toddler who had to pee (potty training) every five minutes down the highway.

By the time we got home, I had stopped at no less than 4 gas stations and hauled a toddler and her portable potty chair ring into their bathroom. Sometimes she went, sometimes, she had already gone. Thank goodness for pull-ups on long car rides.

I also got to clean up puke on the side of the highway. Lots and lots of puke. So much puke that I had to change my kid, wipe down the seat, and then put her back in it. Puke in the hair, puke on the hands, puke on her most favorite blanket. But, once she was done puking and all cleaned up, she was better. Feeling better enough to keep watching her movie.

Mommy was tired. Worn out and tired.

We had a nice visit with my family though. Lots of nice times and sweet moments. And it took my mind off the fact that we weren’t getting married. I got to spend time with people I love and people who were equally as disappointed that we weren’t getting married.

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It’s nice to have supportive family who love us so much. I really is. Of course, there are some well wishers and people who really do mean well – but let’s just say the one thing not to say to console a person who CAN’T GET MARRIED is to tell them that marriage is just a piece of paper.

Or that we don’t need a piece of paper to know how much we love each other.

That’s not the point. The love isn’t the point. This marriage, this paper that so many straight couples (who I love dearly and I know meant no disrespect) take for granted gives so many rights and privileges that we don’t have.

So, actually – yes. WE do need that piece of paper. To make our lives complete and legal and as equal in the eyes of the law, we do need that paper.

In order for Kim to make medical decisions on my behalf without the hassle of courts and lawyers and still the possibility of a judge declaring its not legal. We do need that paper.

In order for us to be equal parents to our daughter, make decisions in all aspects of her life – financial, education, medical – we do need that paper.

I think people forget, or they are just not aware of the many rights that you are afforded when you get married. It’s not about declaring your love to someone, we’ve been doing that for 11 years. Now, it’s about the same rights. The same standard of care we should be getting from our government in the form of taxes, spousal benefits, and guardianship of our daughter.

Its the legal aspect that means the most.

So do I need a piece of paper to tell the world I love the woman I have been with for the last 11 years? No. That’s a given.

I know the phrase “Its just a piece of paper” is one given out of love and consolation. One that is supposed to make us feel better.

Unfortunately. It only means that there are still people in the world, people who love and support us, who don’t fully understand the ramifications of our being unable to marry.

It’s not about religious beliefs. It’s not about love. It’s not about some ceremony or tradition. Its not about procreation or even raising a kid in the ‘right family.’

You can read about what it’s really about: It’s about the rights we don’t have.

It will come and I think that’s what is so frustrating. This delay is just a delay. An unnecessary waste of energy, time, and emotional heartbreak. In the end, what is another month, really? What has changed? Not much.

Other than the idea that we should have been getting married today. And we didn’t.

12 thoughts on “On This … Our Wedding Day.

  1. It’s only a piece of paper if you’re 18 and don’t have kids or any assets or liabilities. If you’re an established adult with a family it’s hundreds of rights.

  2. I don’t think a lot of people are aware just how much the tax laws alone effect same sex couples! When my wife and I were able to finally be legally married on the Federal level last June, my paycheck went up $300.00 a pay period! That’s $600.00 a month! It’s highway robbery to tax people in same-sex marriages as if they are single. Also, I got to re-file my taxes back to the date of our legal marriage in our state and got back almost $10,000! (We married in Vermont in 2010, so that was back 3 years).

    It will come for you. I am so sorry to hear of all the delays. But you are ABSOLUTELY right, it is NOT just a piece of paper!

    Good luck to you both!

    • Wow, even I didn’t realize the amount it would change a paycheck. Goodness! It is nuts the things people don’t know. Soon, we will write of a less disappointing time. 🙂

  3. Just a piece of paper? JUST? These are people who don’t fully understand the privilege that they are accorded automatically and which they’ve never had to dissect to understand. Even some of my most liberal (and that’s not even required anymore to be in favor of our civil rights) and aware acquaintances didn’t realize how little control I had over what the state would do (and still can, to a degree) to my daughter in case of an emergency. Or even that a rigidly strict person could do in everyday life. Preaching, of course, to the choir. Gah. Marriage will be yours. It’s ridiculous that it’s taking so, so long.

    • I know, it’s for sure ridiculous. Of course, the phrase is well meant by people who don’t know any different. So, I don’t take offense, I just smile and nod, because it’s too much to educate those who haven’t educated themselves.

  4. Sorry to hear about the wedding delay but glad your daughter is feeling better and you got to enjoy time with your family. Cheers.

  5. I totally understand that it’s about so much more. I’m going to tweet this. Your advocacy helps others understand, and you’re pushing that great big machine a little bit every time you speak out.

  6. I just wrote about this on my blog as well since we had to adopt our own children to get benefits :/ so tired of fighting for what others are just given

  7. I have found that either you live it and get it, or you don’t. No in between. I have been floored by the amount of people that half ass listen to the news and THINK that marriage equality is universal and congratulate or comment to us on it. I usually respond, yes, that is great FOR PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN THOSE STATES…but we do not. Grrrrrr!!!

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