Hello … Are We Sure This Is My Life?

So, its that time again. I just can’t even believe our kid is coming up on the 2 year old mark. I mean, seriously. I carried her inside of me for nearly a year and now we have had her in our lives for damn near 2 years.

Does this feeling of disbelief ever go away? I mean, I’m still astonished that we have a kid. I’m still astonished every day that I wake up and go into her room and find her there. I still sometimes feel like I’m living in a dream world, waiting to wake up from this life where we have been together for almost 11 years (through mental illness, a plethora of moves, and a baby carriage) and we have a child against all odds.

It never would have been possible for us to get pregnant the way most lesbian couples get pregnant. We aren’t the ‘saving’ kind and frankly, we are very not thrifty with our money. We live paycheck to paycheck – even now, so going through any sort of fertility treatments, like another great blog buddy posted her medication costs and I damn near fell out of my chair. Buying up sperm at a sperm bank would never have been an option for us.

The first time we looked into the sperm banks online, we were seriously considering it, but when it came time to really step into the financials of it all, we knew, it wasn’t in the cards, realistically. In fact, I think Kim and I were pretty resolved to never having kids of our own.

I think that’s why my astonishment still lingers. I know that it’s tough for the gals and couples out there who are struggling with their baby making journey and my heart breaks for all of them with each new BFN. But, I am so very thankful for the turn of events that happened so unexpectedly in our life.

No, we didn’t conceive in the conventional lesbian way, not even the ‘turkey baster’ way. I’m not ashamed to say that we went the cheap and some would call it “easy” way. I don’t think we called it easy at the time. Emotionally and physically the whole thing was draining. However, lucky for us, it didn’t take long and we had a baby in the belly. Thank goodness, I don’t think we would have been strong enough to make it more than 1 cycle.

I really can’t thank our donor enough for all that he helped us accomplish with the goodness and selflessness of his heart. Literally, I’m going to be forever grateful to that man for giving us a piece of himself and asking NOTHING in return.

My point is, holy shit, we have a two year old and I still look at her in complete and utter awe. I don’t know if that is a normal feeling for all moms, I’m not sure if this is something extraordinary I am feeling. But, I keep waiting for the feeling to wear off. I keep expecting that one day I will come to grips with the fact that I have a tiny mini-me running around our apartment.

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So, speaking of our nearly 2 year old, it’s that time again. It’s time to start planning a birthday party. I am what I guess you would call a “Pinterest Mom”. I never really noticed that this was a negative term until I read about it in another blog buddy‘s post a few days ago. In the end, I figure anyone who thinks it’s negative is simply jealous.

I also read an article on Babble about giving up the extravagant parties and have low-key affairs for our kids. Well, that’s all well and good, but not going to happen. The first birthday party, the Dr. Seuss Extravaganza, was mostly for me, people asked why we would want to have such a large party for  one year old who wouldn’t remember it.

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You have a point. However,  I’m not ashamed to admit that the party was purely for me. I wanted to celebrate her first year with a bang. I wanted to make sure everyone could celebrate her with us. I wanted to always remember the first birthday of our only baby girl. Our miracle baby, whom we didn’t think would have ever existed. So, yes. We had a giant party in her honor and no, she won’t remember.

So, why then, would I want to put myself through another giant party for my two year old? I have two sets of family members on my side of the family, Kim has two sets of family members on her side. If we didn’t have the money or the willpower to save for sperm, we sure as hell don’t have the money to save for four different birthday parties.

Instead, we suck it up and make one very large event. It’s just easier! It will likely be the way of her life for many years to come until celebrating with her aunts and uncles and grandparents become a thing of the past and we transition into the slumber parties and spa days for her birthdays.

I’m going to milk those days as long as I can. So, we have decided on a cars theme this year. Punky is all about her cars right now. She’s loving the cars and the trucks and drives them all over our apartment for hours.

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So, it only makes sense that we would make it a big to-do. So, I am sending out ‘car’ invitations with ‘pit crew’ VIP passes. My goal is to make a few wearable cardboard box cars for kids to race around in out of diaper boxes, if I can muster the creativity and the talent!

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I can’t decide between a dress similar to this one:

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Or this one:

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But I’m leaning towards the tutu just because I am likely going to be making her dress myself and my sewing skills may not be sophisticated enough for the first one, even though I think it may be more Punky’s style. We will have to see!

Anyway, the great birthday bash preparation has begun for the All Out Cars Event for Punky’s second birthday. Do I think it’s over ambitious? Yes. Do I think it’s ridiculous? Yes. Ask me if I care? I don’t! My kid will always have the best of everything. She will have all the things I didn’t have (that’s a post for another day) and she will grow up knowing she was loved and cherished by her mothers no matter what may come.

Period. Whether she’s down for it all the time or not. We will likely smother her in our love.

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When she looks back on her childhood, I want her to smile. I want her to remember the good things she did, the fun she had and the joy she had being a CHILD. I don’t want her to grow up too fast, I don’t want her to be surrounded by things she doesn’t need to know yet. I will keep her small and happy for as long as possible. If I have my way, she will never have a sad day in her childhood, ever. At least not on my watch.

So will her party be excessive? Absolutely. Does it mean I’m probably spoiling her? Yea, most likely… She’s still the nicest, sweetest, kindest little toddler on the block. I think a little happiness in a kid’s life is A-Ok and I’m more than willing to provide it for her!

If you wanna follow all my preparations, you can check it out on Pinterest, where I pin pretty much obsessively. Check out my board.

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4 thoughts on “Hello … Are We Sure This Is My Life?

  1. What a wonderful post! Punky is such a lucky girl to have two mums as thoughtful as you (I know you feel like the lucky ones). I love the birthday ideas (past and present), and think Pinterest is awesome too!

  2. My donor is a known donor and did it for free, too. Except it was the “turkey baster” way…I didn’t wanna do the deed with a dude.

    Like you, I’m astonished on the daily that this is my life. I’m a mom. To an amazing girl. Pinch me!

    I’m the “small party” kind of mama, but I do understand why you (and others) like to go all out.

    Happy Pinning!

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