Day 19: Memories and Sickness

Today marks the one  year anniversary of when Kim’s grandmother passed away. I love that woman and I still miss her a great deal. I’m also sad that she won’t be able to see Punky grow up. A year ago, we were in the hospice entertaining small babies, this year we are remembering our family matriarch with love and growing toddlers.

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She would have had such joy watching them grow and learn and play. Some people believe she’s out there watching us and while I believe her good energy surrounding us and keeps her family’s spirits up, it’s a sad time of year to have a loved one leave a very large hole in your heart and in your life.

I had to come home early from work, because Kim has been puny and last night, we were both up with Punky coughing and puking. She’s been pretty ill since yesterday afternoon. I feel like her cough has escalated – so we have been having a pretty low-key night as far as our Christmas countdown goes.

Punky and I spent the late evening in the Urgent Care of our pediatrician’s office. If I haven’t mentioned this before, I absolutely love our pediatrician’s office. Not only are the doctors and nurses awesome, the rooms are decorated for children in mind and they have an after hours and weekend urgent care.

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When we laid her down for a nap, I could hear her in her room coughing and I was going to let the Benadryl kick in to help her sleep, but then she started gagging and sounding like she was about to vomit. I went in there to check on her and her pillow was soaked in sweat and she just couldn’t stop coughing. It was making this Mommy with an anxiety problem really nervous. I picked her up and got her in the car without much thought.

She stood on the scale like a big girl this time and let them get her vitals and stuff without much fuss. When the doctor listened her her lungs, she was wheezing. They recommended a breathing treatment for her in the office. I knew that wasn’t going to go very well and I was right.

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She wrestled me for most of it and it broke my heart! We got through the bucking and the screaming 10 minutes with very little medicine getting in her, but the doctor said afterwards that her lungs sounded 100% better. They sent us home with a seal shaped nebulizer to take home. She won’t be thrilled when we have to do this at home, every four hours. I’m not looking forward to it.

**

Hey guys, guess what.

That breathing treatment was as traumatizing for everyone involved as I was afraid it would be. But, especially me. I think my number one and main fear is suffocating. Literally, I am terrified that I will suffocate and I make a point not to cover my nose and mouth for any reason.

So to see my little girl struggling and screaming with that mask on her face. She was bucking like a bull and it was just SO hard. I actually freaked out for a minute. We had to stop for a second, because I was afraid we were suffocating her.

I did what all moms do, I called my mama. My sister has been through the breathing treatments with her boys for years now. She got a hold of my sister and they reassured me we were doing it right and it was ok.

It wasn’t any better for my the second time around, but hopefully, this gets better, because it’s to make her feel better and I will do what needs to be done to make her feel better. Sometimes, I feel like things like this make me play tug of war with myself.

On the one hand, I absolutely know it’s good for her and yet all I could think about was how much we were ‘hurting’ her. So if I can’t get a hold of my fears, like Kim says, it’s projected on Punky and it makes things worse.

Send me calming vibes people, this is going to be a stressful few weeks with the little one.

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One thought on “Day 19: Memories and Sickness

  1. Pingback: 18/52 – Bonds That Are UnBreakable | Religion: Optional

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