I just have no words. Today has been a great day.
Our little Punky is going to be 2 in four and a half months. When the hell did that happen?! I’m STILL astonished we even have a child. I’m STILL astonished when I look at her and feel like I’m in a dream. Like is this really my life?
I know that work has been a little stressful for me and frankly, I’m pretty sure I had a mild nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago when the supervisor position went haywire. But, I saw a side of me that I haven’t seen in years. I don’t want to see that side of me. I’ve worked very very hard to leave her behind, the bitter, angry, selfish, bitch me has no place in this new life we are building with our most precious baby girl turned toddler.
I’m not ashamed to say that I am going to be getting my medication readjusted and I’m relieved about it. I’m not a nutjob, seriously, but I have a lot of mood problems and my hormones are still out of whack from having Punky, and my anxiety is “through the roof” if you hear K tell it. So, I’m getting it fixed.
I also learned, while I have always known this, that my childhood was lacking in places I didn’t really notice until I had a kid. I know my parents did the best they could, I didn’t really lack for much, but my noticing it now, makes me even more determined to make sure that Punky has the childhood I didn’t have.
With that said, we do so much with her that I never got to do. Tuesday, we went to the pumpkin patch and she had fun, even though she didn’t have a nap and kind of started to melt down. In the end, I think it was a success.
This last week or so we have been putting together Punky’s big girl room. We finally got the non-essential furniture out of there and now, I’m totally going nuts! We have picked the universe theme. I like the sciencey bit of it and she really enjoys the stars and the lights that go with it.
We live in an apartment, so we aren’t supposed to paint the walls, so I did have to improvise some of the wall decor!
So, while Punky heads into being 2 years old, we are getting ready to put together her toddler bed, finish up her room and continue to make me thrilled to have the child we have, tantrums and all!!
My next post will likely not be until after Halloween or the Halloween party we are going to this weekend. More pictures of that to come, for sure!
The week I learned I didn’t move on to get the supervisor position was more devastating to my psyche than I actually anticipated. I said some things, I did some things, I thought some things that I’m not proud of. I was shocked and I was overwhelmed and in the end, that whole week, I’m not sure what people thought of the hurricane that was me walking in shell of a person I had become.
I was angry, I was despondent, I was depressed and most of all I was confused. I am fairly certain that last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had to deal with and I am fairly certain it’s mostly because it wasn’t expected, I didn’t expect myself to react the way that I did. Without going into details, while initially my heart and spirit had a good outlook, in the end in, my emotions overtook and I unraveled.
By the end of the week, I’m not sure if people thought I was suicidal or homicidal. Neither of which were the case. Though, I do think that K may have thought about killing me periodically for all the shit I put her through that week.
I have come to really think about my situation and while I handled this poorly, I am going to rise above it. I am in a place in my job, frankly, I never ever wanted to be. I never saw myself there. And, when I said that to some people, they felt as though I was expressing my dislike for the people in that department or perhaps expressing that I felt I was too good for the job.
I would never, ever, want to make someone feel that way. That was not my intent. But, in my hurt feelings, my shock and my entire work life being turned upside down, I didn’t express myself in the way I likely should have. For that, I am sorry. I don’t know how many people actually dealt with me or came in contact with me that week and a half, but I know that I likely made them uncomfortable and they saw a side of me that I have worked so very hard to overcome.
In the end, I just needed a light at the end of the tunnel, something good to put me back to rights. Which is why I have such an awesome best friend and godparents for Punky. They got K and I tickets to Wicked which was playing last weekend and I was in absolutely the most happy place ever. It’s a simple gesture of kindness – an unexpected happy turn of events, to put me back in the mindset I needed to be in. The one where my spirit isn’t broken and I’m not willing to give up. I needed that little extra push from the darkness and I am now back in the light.
I was as giddy as a school girl. If you asked K, she’d tell you it was like taking a 2 year to the movies for the first time. This is my most favorite muscial, though I have only ever heard the soundtrack and my very first Broadway show ever. So, needless to say, i was excited. The seats were awesome and the music started and I was so overcome with happiness I cried. Shhh.
I have had time to adjust to the new position and actually allow myself to get to know the people I am now working with. Though I have been on the same team of people for the last 7 years, with the same supervisor and the same routine, this transition and this adjustment has been hard, hence the shock to my system and the darkness this change took me to. However, today I came to notice that I like this job. I’m good at this job. I will excel at this job. Not because I am believe I am above this job, but because I believe I can do anything I put my mind to.
I now look at it as a way to hone my skills even more to become even more an asset to this company and I will get the job when the time is right for me. So, while I am not proud of the things I have said or the damage I have caused in the reputation I have worked so very hard to build – I am willing to put in the hard work to see thing through.
Now, besides the doom and gloomy stuff, it’s Halloween soon!! We have a costume for Punky and it’s going to be adorable. We are making it a family affair. So I give you the little Snow White! I will be the evil queen and K will be the Huntsman. More pictures to follow when Halloween parties have commenced!
Hope all is well with each of you, dear readers, because I haven’t had a chance to keep up with the blogs like I would like to, but I promise I am lingering still – hanging out around here, sending great big positive vibes to those of you who are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or those who have just had little ones!
Take Care until next time.
So, it was a no go in the supervisor spot and I will be back to my regular hours tomorrow. I will be moving to a different department than I left two and a half month ago. It’s a department I never pictured myself in and I’m pretty darn anxious about the transition.
However, it’s a stepping stone down the path I want to go down, supervisor. I have now interviewed for this position twice and while I don’t believe I agree with most of the feedback, the one feedback I do agree with is “You are too emotional.” I will be working on it. I am going to spend this time hardening my spirit, it’s been broken, and now, I will rebuild it.
I’ve weathered more than this in the past and it will not cause me to give up. I know that I will be a great supervisor some day. I know that I will be the best supervisor anyone has seen in our building. I just have to work on my anxiety and my emotions.
This new department is a road block, but it will hone my skills and make me formidable, I know it. I am determined to get this position. One way or another. The quote K sent me rings true and I have printed it out to put on my computer monitor at work to motivate me even more. “Sometimes to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least.”
I’m taking this seriously and I will get what I want. Not today. Perhaps not tomorrow, but I will not give up that easily.
In other news, K and I took Punky to the art festival yesterday. Instead of looking at art, Punky heard a band playing down the street and took off running for it. We sat and listened to the band for some time and she stole the show. Everyone was watching her dancing. It was hilarious really.
While dancing it out, Punky also discovered her shadow. She found it quite awesome to chase her shadow around. I swear, little baby running is so freaking adorable to see!
We also attended a baby shower that I helped host today. She was again the star of the show. The mom-to-be didn’t really seem to mind, seeing as she was cooing all over the kiddo!
No matter how bad the day is, my day always starts and ends with this little girl. My miracle child that makes my heart overwhelmed with so much love it’s overflowing. At the end of the day, nothing matters more than the happiness of this little girl. Oh … and making sure she fits in her clothes. She’s currently wearing 2T and it may fit her for another week or so!
Here’s to a better week starting tomorrow! Wish me luck in my new venture to build resilience and a hardened emotional shell.