Why The Church Lost My Daughter

This article came over on my Facebook feed today. It talks about why millennials are leaving the church. It says in essence that most of the people in my age group or younger are leaving the church because religion has taken on more of a political stance than a faith stance. Instead of teaching their followers to love thy neighbor, they are teaching their followers to ‘hate the sin”. Instead of teaching their followers to have compassion for the whore, they are teaching their followers to condemn and judge, when that is only God’s job according to the Bible.

Of course, we are also leaving the church because we feel like there is a strict line between faith and science and we can’t have both. We can’t ask questions. We can’t be curious. We can’t have doubt. So, basically, instead of feeling bad for having doubt, I just decided that my doubt must be real and it just doesn’t exist.

I’ve felt the after effects of being a loyal church goer and follower of Jesus. I’ve felt the aftermath of leaving the church and suddenly feeling lost and confused. Of course, the followers of the church would say the lost feeling is because you don’t have Jesus in your life anymore and you are feeling it.

Instead, I say, I felt the aftermath of brainwashing. My brain and body was programmed from a very young age how to act, feel, and think. When I rebelled against that, my body went into shock. That’s an emotional response. That’s a physical response. It’s a psychological  response to my damaged brain finally taking control. It’s a kind of battle that will stay forever in my mind. that back and forth kind of battle. So far, I’m winning the war, but the battles … that pit in your stomach. That heavy feeling in your chest. The battle of wills in your mind. All part of the deprogramming of the mind when it comes to any kind of mind control. The church is a great example of mind control.

When you teach a child from the beginning that they are not to ask questions, just have faith. When you teach a child that they only need to trust in the leaders of the church, no need to trust in their own thought. When you teach a child the only way to be ‘saved’ is to follow the teachings and use guilt and fear to make them behave and think a certain way.

Like it or not, this is brainwashing. This mind control. In the end, it doesn’t matter what the beliefs of the church really are, whether they follow the Bible or not. The Bible is the excuse, the ‘teachings of Jesus” are the front for what is real. Church leaders only need to use mind control tactics to make you believe whatever they want. To make you act however they want. By the time they have all the pieces in place, they can tell you that God is going to change the sky from blue to cotton candy pink and if they do their job right, you believe them. You can’t possibly wait for the “miracle”

It’s kind of like when people blame the gays for hurricanes and natural disasters. Yes. God did that. Because of the gays. That’s compassion right there. And how may Christians actually believe this nonsense?  You’d be surprised.

How many church goers use the Bible as their tool, but they don’t really follow the teachings of Jesus that is written plainly in the black and white text?

THIS is why the church has lost my daughter. I refuse to subject her to the mind control of the church. I refuse to let her go through the withdrawal symptoms of mind control. I am seeing an increase of parents in my age group who feel the same way. We are thinking more about teaching our kids to think for themselves and release their kids from the idea of attaching their feelings to a belief in God or church.

I know for me, it’s not worth it to scar Punky with the inevitable. She will be told her parents are not natural, she will be told that she doesn’t have a legit family. I am not about to allow her to be subject to something as damaging as that. Her moms love her just as much as any family headed by a mom and dad. The kinds of thoughts that are taught and embedded in a child’s brain are not something I care to have in my daughter’s head.

We can teach our children morals without any form of church or God to be associated with. Children are taught to believe in something. Children are taught to think how their parents believe. Children are hardwired to please adults. I will not take advantage of her tiny mind. I will not subject her to any of the mind games that we adults play. I will let her question thing. I will let her be curious.

I don’t want topics to be taboo. I don’t want her feelings to be taboo. I don’t want her to be ashamed. I don’t want her to feel guilty for the way she thinks or who she wants to be. Which is why – unlike the church – I will teach her free will. In the Bible, it is taught that God created us with free will. To try and take away a person’s free will is completely backwards.

So instead of focusing on politics and agendas, both sides of the religious debate could learn from each other. Partner with each other. Instead of playing head games and a battle of wills, come together and put differences aside and work on what is important – compassion, love, and kindness to all human beings as we are all the same on the inside.

This is what I’m teaching my daughter, what about you? Regardless of your religious preferences, I promise to teach my kid to treat your children with respect and dignity. If we can all promise to teach the new generation of children to love thy neighbor and withhold judgement when possible, we can achieve a better world.


Hope you had a great weekend and to those with cycles up in the air, good luck and good vibes are being sent from us to you! ❤

13 thoughts on “Why The Church Lost My Daughter

  1. I couldn’t agree with you more. We have a very hard time with this subject in our household because while we want to raise our children and family with faith we can’t seem to find a balance between the two. You are so right about how it has become more about teaching to hate the sin than to love thy neighbor. I do believe this is why SO many individuals are leaving church by the flock. Sad but true story!

    • I’m glad this post resonated with you. It was really just to make you think. I hope you and your family figure out the balance that you want. I hear Unitarian churches are pretty open to our families. I just can’t bring myself to even attempt any sort of church anymore. However, if you are yearning for acceptance in faith and a church, you may want to look them up! 🙂

    • I was thinking the same thing. The more parents who teach their kids that it’s ok to think for themselves, the less church and religion will become relevant in society.

  2. Hi ya’, Rachael. Great article you wrote here! I absolutely agree with your conclusion about Church! I considered a Unitarian Church, but the two around me are 20 to 30 miles away, and both are clearly about worshipping God, and singing hymns to Him. That’s not my cup of tea.

    “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life” honestly makes no sense to me. He loved us, but acted like He hated us for thousands of years. Then He got Mary pregnant through the Holy Spirit and Jesus is born because He loves us. God doesn’t want anyone to go to hell so He commits the biggest hate crime of all by killing his only son.

    Quite frankly, we should all be glad that not all Christians follow all the Bible. If they did there would be even more rape, murder, abuse, abandonment and rejection in the world than what we see now.

    I admit, the Christian author who wrote the article you referred to makes some great points. I remember hearing about her months ago when I read about her year of living Biblically as a woman by abiding by the laws of that era. However, I’m too far gone to be “reached”. I’ve discovered the Bible to be more than enough of a premise to stay away. You already know the drama I went through with churches and Bible school. Misogyny anyone?

    I’m just a little jealous that you caught on long before I did. However, I’m glad you did or we wouldn’t be blogging buddies. I know K and Punky benefit more than anyone from your decision to be real, and honest. They must appreciate your encouragement in using logic and common sense.

    Thanks for such a great write-up, Rachael.

    • As always, Charity, your point of view is great. I will say that K is the one who helped me discover what I needed to discover when it came to religion and church. I’m just lucky I guess that she was patient and kind with me and I figured it out before we had a kid! 😉

      • Hey Rachael, I promise I won’t keep you here all day.

        It’s really nice to be in a relationship with someone with the same viewpoint, isn’t it? I know I’m pretty lucky in this, but there are so many couples who often fight over belief and philosophy. My heart goes out to them.

  3. Love reading your thoughts, as always. I’m a church-going liberal and my family and I have always been a part of Episcopal churches that are open and accepting of everyone, with LOVE being the biggest piece of the faith. I feel like doubt and questioning are such integral parts of faith that I just get really sad hearing story after story of churches that demand a very rigid code of conduct and morals. I really wish liberal Christians would make the news and be part of the conversation more, to take back the idea that Christianity belongs to Evangelicals. Maybe those of us mainstream liberal Christians need to speak out more (riding just below the radar is where we like to hide). BTW you know about Believe Out Loud, right? http://www.believeoutloud.com

    • If liberal Christians spoke out maybe the world would see the church better. Unfortunately, my experiences with the church has nothing to do with being a lesbian. My experiences started long before I started down that path in my life. 🙂 However, this Believe Out Loud is a great resource for those LGBT who are looking for a faith based community. Thanks for sharing, I am sure it will be helpful to a lot of people struggling with their beliefs and their identity.

  4. Finding our place in religion continues to be a struggle for my little family. I grew up a Catholic but left the church shortly after my parents divorced because of how horribly my mom was treated for, “breaking up her family”. I then identified as a Christian (still do) and began attending one of those MEGA churches that looked more like a Super Wal-Mart than a place of worship. Since coming out 7 years ago I haven’t been back. The mega church’s views on what makes a family and where my family would fall outside side of that definition is the reason I along with G and Gracie will never step foot in there again.

    Georgia and I want Grace to grow up knowing God but we want her to understand what we believe religion is about – faith, love, charity, forgiveness and family. We have yet to find a church that offers up this type of message minus the judgement and for that reason we have yet to attend church as a family. I’m hopeful we will find our fit one day.

    • I hope you find your fit as well, Kristin! For sure, it’s not my way of life or parenting, but I definitely respect your desire to teach Grace about your beliefs and faith. Evelyn suggested a site that seems pretty nice for families like yours that believe and want to find a place in the faith community.

  5. Beautiful, Rachael. Your daughter will be way more progressive than many of her friends.

    The mind control, teaching kids not to question, happens a lot in school, too. I think we have to be vigilant and make sure our kids question no matter what institution they are a part of….

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