Baby Number Two?

I am always the first to say that we would not be having a second child. That one kid was enough. However, the real reason for those words was because I didn’t believe we would have another shot. I had, in my mind, made it pretty clear that we were lucky enough to have the one child. I didn’t want to press our luck and our donor has been so very awesome about this in the last year, that who wants to push his boundaries either!

In the back of my mind, I always wait for the day he shows up at the doorstep and wants a relationship with Punky. The way we conceived, it’s his right to ask for these things. K and I have already discussed that we wouldn’t fight it either, but it would be a strain on how we wanted to raise our daughter.  We hear from him from time to time, he’s a blessing. He just likes to catch up and see how we are doing, tell us how he is doing, and it’s a pretty awesome relationship we have with him. I just never dreamed of asking him to help us again, because it’s emotionally something that most people wouldn’t be able to handle twice. Our donor is truly an amazing individual in that way.

Then, yesterday, something happened. Our donor messaged me on Facebook and brought up the very real possibility that we are able to try again. I just assumed he was done with that whole thing. This did two things in my mind. It sealed the fact that he really is just content helping us create a family (I knew this, but there’s always that what-if in the back of my mind) AND we really do have the option to try for another baby.

If we had another baby, K would carry this time. I think that is a beautiful thing. She has her own clock that is just ticking away and I felt terrible that she hasn’t been able to experience being pregnant and having a child. We have a lot of things to work out though. I think we both do want a second child, our hearts are definitely in the path of wanting a sibling for Punky and a second baby to round out our family. Maybe it would be a boy this time!

K is BiPolar and she has some things she needs to work out. She is on a lot of medications that she would have to give up in order to be healthy for the baby. We need to talk to her psychologist and psychiatrist to see if they have options that they can give us for how they feel it might work for her to get pregnant. I also am afraid that all these medications may make it hard for her to get pregnant. She’s also Punky’s stay-at-home mom. I am thinking she is going to be off her medication, pregnant and trying to care for a very mobile, willful toddler.

She is also on my insurance right now, but in the times we have the baby, she would not be, because of the way my insurance is changing. We are going to a high deductible employee plan with an HSA that is overseen by the federal government. The government doesn’t recognize her as  my ‘tax dependent  which means, I can cover her through my employer’s insurance, but I have to pay full cost for all medical and prescription costs because of the deductible and not be reimbursed by the government sponsored HSA.

All in all, we would be going about this pregnancy, should she carry this child, pretty much full cost. I am going to talk to some other people about options on that before we go ruling it out based on that alone though. I know I can cover the child on my insurance and claim the baby as a ‘tax dependent’ after it’s born, so that’s not an issue. However, pregnancy is expensive. More expensive than we could afford, I’m still dealing with the bills I racked up from my own pregnancy and I was on insurance that covered a great deal of the cost.

Then, there is the way we conceived. The way we would conceive again, because it is the most full proof and frankly, the least expensive method. If you want to know the details of that, check out Path to Punky. Our donor lives several states away. We would have to get him here and then host him here and hope to conceive as fast as we did with my pregnancy. One shot. One week. One roller coaster of emotions. Can our relationship withstand that twice? I like to think it can. However, the situations is different now. We have a baby in the house. We have more responsibilities than we had last time we did this.

There are a lot of obstacles standing in the way and frankly, I don’t know if it’s the best idea to get pregnant again. However, at the same time, I want to give K a chance to be pregnant.

Also, while I know that she loves Punky as her own, there is something, it’s just different, when you have a child that you carried for 10 months and delivered from your body. It’s a different kind of bond. I know it is. I don’t want to take that away from her. I certainly didn’t like being pregnant, it was my least favorite time of this process of getting Punky, at the same time, I’m glad I had the experience. I also have a bond with Punky that I feel like is stronger because I carried her.

In my mind, I want to make this work! I don’t understand why it has to be so damn difficult for us to have the family we want, and straight couples all around the world are having ‘OOPs babies’ and some are being abandoned or not very well taken care of. There are people out there who say babies of gay parents are at a disservice, I will never understand that. We have to plan. We have to spend a great deal of time and money and effort to have our children. We have to REALLY REALLY want our children.

How can a baby be at a disadvantage because we love them so much we would do anything to have them?

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9 thoughts on “Baby Number Two?

  1. If this is overstepping, please don’t answer but I’m curious if you are using a syringe with your known donor or the old old fashioned way? Mostly I am curious, if the latter, why you made that decision vs. using a syringe with a fresh sample?

    • @AndiePants – This made me LOL. It’s totally not overstepping and I swear I get this question ALOT. We did it the OLD OLD fashioned way.

      We all decided this would be best just because we weren’t altogether sure if we would get a second shot at it and the syringe method is a little … well subject to human error. Whereas, frankly, with the down and dirty method, you just get straight to the heart of the matter. It was treated as more of a business transaction than any aspect of an emotional relationship.

      Our donor lives out of state, several states away in fact, so we had 1 week to get this right and we probably wouldn’t have tried a second time, at least not for a while. It wasn’t too terribly bad, since I have been with male partners before, so it definitely wasn’t out of the ordinary for me and he is a poly-amorous man, so he was A-OK with it.

      Even though it was a ‘business transaction’, as with any relationship could expect, it WAS an emotionally draining week for K and I, but one that really was the best decision for our baby making, just because it worked, first try!

      • Thanks for your openness. I kind of assumed it was the old old fashioned way, based on your description of the week as emotionally trying (which could be used for any attempt at non-traditional baby making, honestly) and your note about possible custody things coming up. I can totally see your reasoning – and it does sound like a huge factor to consider. This process is so much about weighing the pros and cons and what we can/want/will do . . .I agree that the level of thinking most LGBTQ folks have to put into having a child means that we are often as prepared as one can be!
        I enjoy your blog and am looking forward to reading about how you choose to proceed. No matter what, I hope it all feels great to everyone involved!

      • Thanks, @AndiePants! We are just 12 hours into our thinking process,so who knows how it will pan out. With all the negative obstacles, I’m leaning towards a “no”, but at the same time, if we can get some resolution to fix these negatives, I would think a second baby would be great!

  2. The final 5 sentences of this post completely sums up precisely what I try to explain to people in my small, southern community. The children of LGBTQ people are planned for so meticulously that our children never have to wonder if they were accidents. Thank you for sharing your story and experiences!

    • @andjustaddwater – I have always been so confused as to why people think babies of LGBTQ parents are not well taken care of, for crying out loud. They are so planned and they are so wanted by the time they arrive, they are definitely taken care of.

  3. Great post! and great blog! I am pregnant now with our first and we are already starting to “plan” & save for baby # 2! Babies from LGBTQ families are very much wanted!!

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