When we were first announcing we were pregnant, oh, almost 2 years ago. The question that irritated me the most was “How Did This Happen?”. Now, that question doesn’t really bother me. Ask me how we conceived our daughter and I have no problem telling you how it happened. And much more cordially than when I was first pregnant.
I swear since Peyton turned one, people joke about having another baby. When are you having another one? Are you ready for another one? Don’t you think Peyton needs a sibling? Blah, Blah, Blah.
Would I love to love another child? Yes. I would – my life was never envisioned with just one child in our lives.
However, when I get asked that question, I have to through the awkward motions of reminding these people just hard difficult it was for us to get the first one. I don’t mind answering the question “How did this Happen?” I do mind reminding you because you didn’t get it the first time.
We had to find a donor. We had to find a donor who was willing and ready to give us a child and want nothing in return. We had to chart and take temps and go through the motions of figuring out the ovulation crap. We had to host said donor in our home for a week. I had to … well, you know … twice a day for a week. While my partner was in another room. Ouch. I know. Awkward? You don’t have to tell us!
That week was physically and emotionally draining. A normal relationship is not built to withstand that kind of trauma more than once. Hell, it shouldn’t have withstood it once. That experience did a lot of things for me, but it instilled the further truth that K and I are meant to be. If we can stand through that time, we can stand through anything.
I won’t complain about the beginnings of our conception, because once we went through the initial 5 months of planning and the one week of trying, we were pregnant. We were the lucky ones. I have no reason to complain.
I did hate being pregnant. I had no reason to hate it. I just hated it. I felt claustrophobic and anxious the entire 10 months I was pregnant. I was constantly checking my toilet paper and my pelvic bone shifted and made it difficult and painful to walk sometimes. Otherwise, I had no morning sickness, no real cravings and no absurd amounts of weight gain.
I like to think I still would do it again. If the road to a second child wasn’t filled with obstacles and hurdles. I’m not talking the baby gate hurdles, which I have gotten very good at, I am talking about finances. I am talking about emotions. I am talking about logistics. I am just not sure we could withstand another round.
Also, I love our little girl to bits. To teeny tiny pieces and every single hair on her head. I love all her little pores and her sharp cannibal teeth. I love EVERY tiny little thing about her.
I like that I only have her. I like that I can spend as much undivided attention on her. I like that she can be my favorite and I don’t have to be afraid to admit it. I like that I can buy her a present and I don’t have to worry about getting one of equal size or caliber for someone else. I like that I can pick her up and swing her around and dance and sing her favorite songs with her. I can give her both my arms and wrap them around her little body and squeeze her tight.
What if we had a second kid? Would she still be as special to me as she is right now? I’m sure she would be, but I wouldn’t have the time or energy to devote to her. I wouldn’t be able to call her my favorite. I wouldn’t be able to shower her with love and attention like I do right now. I wouldn’t be able to smother her with all my kisses, instead she would have to share them!
So, to answer that irritating question. Yes, I would love to have another child. Will we have another child? Who knows. But, I highly doubt it.
I just don’t know if I have room in my heart for another little one. Peyton is the miracle baby I have never believed could be real. She became real a year ago and I just can’t imagine feeling this way in equal measure for another child. The day she was born, at the very moment this picture was taken, she filled up my whole heart and soul with her tiny little face.
Of course, we doubted we would have one child and I am still in awe we have her. So, who knows what the future holds for our family.
However, bringing up the fact that we ‘need’ or ‘should have’ a second child just grates on my nerves. It brings up thoughts and feelings I don’t want to explain and I don’t want to experience right now.