No Longer Living Through Someone Else

Out From Behind My Little Sister’s Shadow
My sister and I
I am the child of divorced and remarried parents. This means I have a plethora of brothers and sisters. 5 brothers and 2 sisters to be exact. I am the second oldest of this sibling menagerie. This blog post however, is about my sister. You see, she and I have always been close. We are six years apart in age, which has always been interesting to me, how the hell were we ever close, it was like she tagged along and I sort of … let her.
Flash forward to more appropriate times. My sister was a teen mother. By the time she became a teen mother, I was already in my relationship with my partner. We had already resolved ourselves that we would likely not have the chance to have a child and thus the first time I laid eyes on my niece I was in love. That little girl was my beautiful sunshine, the apple of my eye, the absolute reason for my existence.
In most cases, when a girl gets pregnant at 15, their family is pretty shocked and our family was no different, it was just different for me. While I wished that she didn’t have to deal with diapers, screaming, and extra mommy duties at such a young age, I was so very ready to spoil this child rotten!
Now, let’s get to the confession part. I have been jealous of my little sister for probably a good portion, if not all of the last four and a half years. She probably doesn’t know this and I have yet to decide if I want to let her know about this blog so that she can finally know.
Basically, my sister has two babies and one on the way. For a lesbian without much chance of making the baby making dreams of her own come true, at the time, I just wanted to say “Enough is ENOUGH.” While I was happy for her, the more she got pregnant, the more depressed I got. 
Pumpkin and Monkey – Poodle is still in the Belly
Although, its really hard to stay depressed around these faces! I mean really. You can’t. Instead, you deal with the hand you have been dealt and you move on. At least, that’s what I thought before I found a way to make my own baby making dreams come true.
Now that I am pregnant, I don’t have to live through my sister, I don’t have to be jealous of her, even though I was so very happy for her and still am incredibly proud of her for growing up, putting her big girl panties on and raising the hell out of her two and a half babies.  I am glad, because I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t like the resentment and the wishing, the longing and the saddness. The disappointment.
Now that I am pregnant, I don’t have to be jealous and that makes me feel great! And soon, my niece and nephew and little Poodle on the way will have their very own cousin! I know I had so much fun with my cousins. They really are the first friends that we ever really have growing up and its awesome that we are growing our family to include cousins!
So, in a small way, I have been thinking about how I have so much more in common with my sister, who has always been one of my best friends. I know I can call her for those weird cravings and those strange cramping pains and those all hours of the night tingling sensations in my feet and she will understand. She really is the know-it-all of all things babies and I am so lucky to have her on speed dial.

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