Otherwise Known As Worries and Little Sleep
My first appointment with the OB was about a week ago. We went over just about everything and the one thing that stood out to me was Postpartum depression. He mentioned that since I was originally on Prozac for anxiety and mood swings that I was more susceptible to having Postpartum depression when the baby comes.
This is not something that I am interested in having or experiencing. My partner pointed out last night that I have been lashing out for no reason at all, or at the smallest little things. I figured it was due to the hormones, but really, I think its the fact that I have been off my medication for well over 2 months, since I stopped taking the pills before we started trying. Prozac was the one thing that kept my moods pretty stable and I was a pretty nice person to be around.
Add to this lack of medication, the constant need for sleep and not getting it, and you have a time bomb in my body waiting to explode. Well, it exploded last night. Something ridiculously stupid got me so worked up that I was crying on the couch for a good thirty minutes about how none of my jeans fit me and I’m not even showing yet and I can’t do anything right.
Let me explain this. I have been a smoker since I was about 16 years old. That’s about 11 years now. When we decided to try and have a baby, I decided that I should quit smoking. Well needless to say, 7 weeks into this pregnancy and I am still smoking. I want everyone to know that I have cut back a lot and for the most part I may smoke 1 or 2 cigarettes a day, at the most 5, depending on the day. However, I don’t think people realize how incredibly guilty I feel that I can’t just kick this stupid as hell addiction. I know that people don’t understand how guilty I feel because I am constantly listening to the comments. “Aren’t you going to quit?” “Don’t you know you shouldn’t be smoking?” “Smoking is bad for the baby.” Look people. I AM AWARE.
So now my week is no medication, no sleep, and guilt over cigarettes. Oh no, you would think it would stop there. It doesn’t.
On top of that, I am bitchy at work. Now, generally, I like my job. Its easy and it pays the bills. However, if you have ever worked in a call center, you know that its stressful and people are so much more bold over the phone than they ever would be in person. So, instead, my days generally go like this
. Let’s add this to everything else and its still not where it ends.
My jeans don’t fit, I pee every thirty freaking minutes, my animals are forever trying to trip me on the way to the bathroom, my dog thinks she needs to cuddle with me, while its 100 degrees in our apartment and she runs that on her own, my feet are swollen, I have no ankles, my fingers fall asleep at the drop of a dime. I CANNOT SLEEP. Its like everything is piling up on top of me and I don’t really know where to begin or end. No one prepared me for all of this.
My partner …. she’s had enough. Besides the fact that she has her own shit to deal with. Starting with losing her job to do BiPolar Disorder and feeling like a worthless contributor, which she is not. However, because she is not working right now, and she is not getting any money coming it at the moment, though, she’s working on it, we are looking at more and more bills piling up and more and more stress to be had.
So, now, I have my shit and her shit and let’s put it all on my shoulders … carry it around and never take it off. I mean, really, is all this necessary.
7 weeks is not that far along. This baby has a whole lot of baking to do and for crying out loud, this is just 1 week of the many that will likely stress me out. I am trying so very hard to be zen and calm about things. I am trying not to let things freak me out or stress me out, but in reality, I’m a bundle of nerves and a ball of fire waiting to explode.
I am beginning to wonder if I will make it through the next 8 months in tact and with my sanity. Thus the reason for worrying about Postpartum Depression. Let’s all just cross our fingers that it doesn’t happen and this gets better, emotionally.