Family Reunion

Things I get to discuss with family
´╗┐Most of my family know that I have been with my partner for 8 years. However, those same people have not really been around us on a regular basis. She and I live about 3 hours away from my immediate family and the rest of my family is dispersed throughout the state or country at any given time. I am headed to a family reunion this weekend and I am a little stressed out. I mean, I just don’t know if I am ready for all the questions, the looks, and the comments.
When I went to my brother’s wedding there was comments about his ‘older sister being a dyke’ and my partner overheard it. Its not something I particularly like to hear about and yet, I also don’t want to stress out about it. This pregnancy is very early and I am not in any denial that I could very well miscarry at any time if I am not extremely careful.
While I am happy about the way we went about conceiving this baby, I do not want to do it again. It was not fun. I am just glad we were blessed with it taking the first try. I also hope that means that I will have a baby that is resilient and I will go to full term without problems. That’s my biggest paranoia.
Anyway, most family that I haven’t seen in a while are similiar to strangers or co-workers who have that one question: “How did this happen?” Which is just an annoying and very tactless question to ask. However, I will answer it, because its really simple and I sometimes like to make people feel stupid. Especially right now, when everything is annoying me.
What I am really hoping is that I don’t have to pee fifteen times on the way there! Everything else, once we get there, I think I can handle!
So, while, I don’t think that people are reading this blog really, wish me luck Internet. We are leaving for the family reunion in about 15 minutes and I am sure I will have tons of pictures and comments when I come back on Tuesday. ­čÖé

Suckville Week

Otherwise Known As Worries and Little Sleep´╗┐
My first appointment with the OB was about a week ago. We went over just about everything and the one thing that stood out to me was Postpartum depression. He mentioned that since I was originally on Prozac for anxiety and mood swings that I was more susceptible to having Postpartum depression when the baby comes.´╗┐

This is not something that I am interested in having or experiencing. My partner pointed out last night that I have been lashing out for no reason at all, or at the smallest little things. I figured it was due to the hormones, but really, I think its the fact that I have been off my medication for well over 2 months, since I stopped taking the pills before we started trying. Prozac was the one thing that kept my moods pretty stable and I was a pretty nice person to be around.

Add to this lack of medication, the constant need for sleep and not getting it, and you have a time bomb in my body waiting to explode. Well, it exploded last night. Something ridiculously stupid got me so worked up that I was crying on the couch for a good thirty minutes about how none of my jeans fit me and I’m not even showing yet and I can’t do anything right.

Let me explain this. I have been a smoker since I was about 16 years old. That’s about 11 years now. When we decided to try and have a baby, I decided that I should quit smoking. Well needless to say, 7 weeks into this pregnancy and I am still smoking. I want everyone to know that I have cut back a lot and for the most part I may smoke 1 or 2 cigarettes a day, at the most 5, depending on the day. However, I don’t think people realize how incredibly guilty I feel that I can’t just kick this stupid as hell addiction. I know that people don’t understand how guilty I feel because I am constantly listening to the comments. “Aren’t you going to quit?” “Don’t you know you shouldn’t be smoking?” “Smoking is bad for the baby.” Look people. I AM AWARE.

So now my week is no medication, no sleep, and guilt over cigarettes. Oh no, you would think it would stop there. It doesn’t.
On top of that, I am bitchy at work. Now, generally, I like my job. Its easy and it pays the bills. However, if you have ever worked in a call center, you know that its stressful and people are so much more bold over the phone than they ever would be in person. So, instead, my days generally go like this. Let’s add this to everything else and its still not where it ends.
My jeans don’t fit, I pee every thirty freaking minutes, my animals are forever trying to trip me on the way to the bathroom, my dog thinks she needs to cuddle with me, while its 100 degrees in our apartment and she runs that on her own, my feet are swollen, I have no ankles, my fingers fall asleep at the drop of a dime. I CANNOT SLEEP. Its like everything is piling up on top of me and I don’t really know where to begin or end. No one prepared me for all of this.
My partner …. she’s had enough. Besides the fact that she has her own shit to deal with. Starting with losing her job to do BiPolar Disorder and feeling like a worthless contributor, which she is not. However, because she is not working right now, and she is not getting any money coming it at the moment, though, she’s working on it, we are looking at more and more bills piling up and more and more stress to be had.
So, now, I have my shit and her shit and let’s put it all on my shoulders … carry it around and never take it off. I mean, really, is all this necessary.
7 weeks is not that far along. This baby has a whole lot of baking to do and for crying out loud, this is just 1 week of the many that will likely stress me out. I am trying so very hard to be zen and calm about things. I am trying not to let things freak me out or stress me out, but in reality, I’m a bundle of nerves and a ball of fire waiting to explode.
I am beginning to wonder if I will make it through the next 8 months in tact and with my sanity. Thus the reason for worrying about Postpartum Depression. Let’s all just cross our fingers that it doesn’t happen and this gets better, emotionally.

No Longer Living Through Someone Else

Out From Behind My Little Sister’s Shadow´╗┐
My sister and I
I am the child of divorced and remarried parents. This means I have a plethora of brothers and sisters. 5 brothers and 2 sisters to be exact. I am the second oldest of this sibling menagerie. ´╗┐This blog post however, is about my sister. You see, she and I have always been close. We are six years apart in age, which has always been interesting to me, how the hell were we ever close, it was like she tagged along and I sort of … let her.
Flash forward to more appropriate times. My sister was a teen mother. By the time she became a teen mother, I was already in my relationship with my partner. We had already resolved ourselves that we would likely not have the chance to have a child and thus the first time I laid eyes on my niece I was in love. That little girl was my beautiful sunshine, the apple of my eye, the absolute reason for my existence.
In most cases, when a girl gets pregnant at 15, their family is pretty shocked and our family was no different, it was just different for me. While I wished that she didn’t have to deal with diapers, screaming, and extra mommy duties at such a young age, I was so very ready to spoil this child rotten!
Now, let’s get to the confession part. I have been jealous of my little sister for probably a good portion, if not all of the last four and a half years. She probably doesn’t know this and I have yet to decide if I want to let her know about this blog so that she can finally know.
Basically, my sister has two babies and one on the way. For a lesbian without much chance of making the baby making dreams of her own come true, at the time, I just wanted to say “Enough is ENOUGH.” While I was happy for her, the more she got pregnant, the more depressed I got. 
Pumpkin and Monkey – Poodle is still in the Belly
Although, its really hard to stay depressed around these faces! ´╗┐I mean really. You can’t. Instead, you deal with the hand you have been dealt and you move on. At least, that’s what I thought before I found a way to make my own baby making dreams come true.
Now that I am pregnant, I don’t have to live through my sister, I don’t have to be jealous of her, even though I was so very happy for her and still am incredibly proud of her for growing up, putting her big girl panties on and raising the hell out of her two and a half babies.  I am glad, because I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t like the resentment and the wishing, the longing and the saddness. The disappointment.
Now that I am pregnant, I don’t have to be jealous and that makes me feel great! And soon, my niece and nephew and little Poodle on the way will have their very own cousin! I know I had so much fun with my cousins. They really are the first friends that we ever really have growing up and its awesome that we are growing our family to include cousins!
So, in a small way, I have been thinking about how I have so much more in common with my sister, who has always been one of my best friends. I know I can call her for those weird cravings and those strange cramping pains and those all hours of the night tingling sensations in my feet and she will understand. She really is the know-it-all of all things babies and I am so lucky to have her on speed dial.

My Baby Toe Is Asleep


The Side-effects of Being Pregnant



´╗┐Right now, the biggest issue I have is that my limbs keeping falling asleep. Not the numb, can’t feel them asleep, but the tingling, oh my good god, ridiculous asleep. From my toes to my fingers and everything in between, something is bound to fall asleep or stab me at any given moment.
Having a baby factory in my belly is not something I fully prepared for. I knew the basics, but no one really tells you about the weird shit your body goes through in the process.
The biggest thing I am concerned about right now is that I have to drive to my family reunion this weekend. The drive is about 2 and a half, three hours. That was before I became the pee machine. I can be wandering around the house, carrying on a conversation and all of a sudden “Oh, I have to pee.” It just comes on without any warning. Most of the side-effects to being pregnant are like that. Everything happens so suddenly, without warning, and without any real reason. With that said, my partner is sure that I will have to pee every five minutes and it will turn a 2 and half, three hour car ride into a six hour car ride.
I am also incredibly tired. Who knows at what time of day I might just decide I need a nap. I don’t know about anyone else, but there isn’t really a time that you can just go take a nap when you have a job. Most jobs don’t allow you to get up and walk around every hour or so. I admit, I would love to be able to, so if you have a job like that, please send me a link so I can apply. Haha. In the end, I generally go to work, come home around 9pm, eat dinner and go to bed. I don’t spend that much time with my partner, because I am just so exhausted. I wonder how this particular side-effect with come into play on drive to my family reunion.
Oh the horror of Acid Reflux. Let me tell you now that this stuff is terrible. I cannot eat Chipotle or Taco Bell with massive vomiting, but anything else, especially, my beloved fruit juices cause me to be up for hours at ridiculous hours of the night with acid reflux. This acid that builds up and sits at the back of my throat. It threatens to come pouring out and yet it never does. Instead, I sit in my bed, wishing to all the gods that I could vomit, with absolutely no success. I have discovered a fantastic thing that helps with it though. I went to the Health Food Market and found Chewable Papaya Tablets. They are just little tablets that you chew after a meal and all is better. I’m told that I should not eat TUMS and its likely just another thing on the growing list of PREGNANT WOMAN SHOULD NOT EAT, DRINK, TOUCH, SMELL, HEAR, FEEL LIST, but I don’t really wanna chance it. So, instead, I will stick with the all natural Papaya Tablets. I am recommending these to everyone!
I am sure that none of my ‘side-effects’ are any different or more difficult than anyone else’s and I love reading other mommy blogs, because it makes me realize I am not alone, thank goodness! So, we are on week 7 and I am so excited to get out there and start shopping, but I will restrain myself. People say you should always wait to do all that until you are passed the 3 month mark. So for now, I will keep shopping for a bigger place to live!

What’s In A Name?

Picking a Name is Tough Stuff
´╗┐Though, luckily for me, its not my job. My partner will be doing that job. In a way, it was our way of making sure she felt included in this process. We are only 6 weeks into this pregnancy and already we have names. I am not sure if she already had the names picked out ahead of time or if she just had a few names that really spoke to her. We have 8 and a half months to go and we can all take bets on whether or not she will change her mind.
Now, can you believe that she has teased me about naming our daughter “Valkarie” or our son “Spiderman or Pooh Bear”. I suggest taking a hint from this article from Babble on Worst Celebrity Names. When I went through those names, most of which I had heard before, I just couldn’t believe that someone would ever be cruel enough to stick their kid with names like those.
I mean really, you have to think about all sorts of things when naming your kids. Obviously, when it comes to naming kids, a Rose is not a Rose by any other name. A name speaks volumes about what you expect and desire for your child’s future. I haven’t asked her, but I am sure that my partner has been having the hardest time picking out a name. At the moment, she is pretty set, so I am happy about that!


Photo by: Anita Patterson

´╗┐ ´╗┐

You have to take into consideration bully-proof names. Well, at least you can try. With the sources for cyber-bullying, phone-bullying, face-to-face bullying, there really is no way around it. Kids are cruel. If the kids on the playground can’t come up with something about your name to mock, they will surely find something else to mock you about, if they are so determined.
Bully-proof names links to initals as well. You don’t want your kid with the initals PMS, TNT, ASS or something crazy. We were all kids once, and we all know that initals can be just as easily made fun of as actual names.
Name meanings can be a sour source as well, but then again, most kids don’t go around looking up what every other kids’ name means. To be on the same side, we steered clear of names that meant ‘lame duck‘ or ‘sourpuss‘. Never can be too careful.
In the end, there are all sorts of things you can take into consideration when you are naming your child. We grabbed inspiration from one of our favorite TV characters, which was probably not a good idea, but her name was so pretty, I just couldn’t help but agree that it had to be my daughter’s name. Peyton Shea As for a boy, we have taken from my partner’s Italian roots and gone with a simple Italian name. I didn’t have any objections, though I still am not sure how to spell it. Dominik Anthony
No matter what this child ends up being, boy or girl; no matter what name this child ends up being called, I have a feeling that it will always be my little Peanut, which is what my partner has dubbed the ultrasound picture at the moment, since the sac looks like a peanut.

Let Me Explain ….

Stop Asking Me That One Annoying Question
When two women decide it is time to have a child together, the first thing people ask is, “How did this happen?” You would never really believe how often this question is asked, until you actually lived it. Its like the catch all question. Its the first and most important question when we announce we are having a baby, or when we go to the doctor’s office. ´╗┐Its easy. I will break it down for you.
Sperm, meet Egg, Make a Baby.

5 weeks 2 days

Really, its as simple as that. I can’t understand why it is necessary to know just how it is that I have accomplished this task. We all know how babies are made. We are all aware there is no such thing as a stork and it most certainly didn’t drop a child down the chimney for us.

The real answer. I had sex. I had a lot of sex. In fact, I had a week full of sex with a man I barely knew. Why you ask? Because my partner and I wanted a child that badly. Apparently, it takes a week of sex and some charting of my ovulation and TADA I have a baby in my belly.
In the beginning, this question embarrassed me, because well, no one wants to talk about having sex with perfect strangers. Your doctor, the nurse, the ultrasound technician, that one girl from high school you barely remember who friends you on Facebook.
Now, its just par for the course really. We wanted a child. We did what needed to be done to have a child. Was it tough on our relationship? Please tell me who wants to know that the one they love is in the other room with someone who can in fact produce the golden ticket to a child when you cannot. OF COURSE IT WAS TOUGH.
Its almost as if people are jaded by monogamous relationships that can survive just about anything. Let me tell you, we have been through a lot in 8 years. This is just another notch on the timeline in our relationship. I am not like other spouses, partners, lovers, significant others out there.
Most people have been known to run when their partners are diagnosed with any array of mental illness, physical ailment, or debilitating disease. Not me. Frankly, I loved this person before they were stuck with a stigma, a label, an extra character flaw. Love is about loving everything about that person. Love is about the flaws. Its not about rainbows and kittens.
So, please continue to ask me how I became pregnant. Be sure to ask me if it was tough on our relationship. Be extra sure to say how much you just couldn’t have done it. And also, continue to make sure I know how weirded out you are that I am in a lesbian relationship with a woman who has been diagnosed with BiPolar disorder and live in a third floor apartment we can barely afford.

I am aware that inside that not too polite head of most people, they think we aren’t cut out to be parents. I am equally aware that they think its wrong and it is a bad idea.

They can continue thinking it. These people are entitled to their opinions, can even voice them if they want.
I just reserve the right to tell them to shut the hell up.