Blue is for Boys. I am a Girl.

I really didn’t expect that phrase so soon. I mean … THREE.

I’m sure I helped perpetuate the norms of boy and girl separation. We are potty training, so when we were out at Olive Garden once, she attempted to go into the men’s restroom and I redirected her to the little icon with the dress and said, “Girls go in this potty.” Mostly , so that she would know that boys and girls don’t go to the bathroom together, but well, I think I just made it stick in her head that girls wear dresses and boys don’t.

Now I’m frustrated. Not because it’s that big of a deal and frankly, she can like what she wants, be what she wants.

She’s old enough now to make her own choices. I’m doing my very best to make sure she knows she has options. She doesn’t have to be stuck in the social norms of what is expected of her.

She loves pink. Absolutely loves it. And I’m okay with that. When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday theme to be, she told me Minnie and Mickey. I asked if she wanted Minnie to wear a pink dress or a red one. She picked pink. No hesitation. So pink it was and that included her pink castle cake. (Yes, that’s a cake, thanks Grammy!)

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Her Minnie Mouse Tea party was a little more low key than we have been used to, but with my being out of work right now, we didn’t have the money we usually have to rent the clubhouse and hold all the people we wanted to invite. So we invited her friends and mostly immediate family like grandparents and aunts/uncles who could make it.

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She likes to climb shit. Loves it. She loves to climb, the higher the better. And I’m well, I’m not okay with it as it gives me anxiety, but I’m okay with it.

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The pyramid she’s climbing in that second picture is 30 feet high made of metal and ropes. The sign outside the pyramid says for 5+ years and it probably makes me an irresponsible mom, but she’s been eyeballing the damn thing for over a year. Kim came with us to the park this last time and convinced me to let her climb it.

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Kim helped me keep my cool while my heart was in my throat, threatening to pump right out of my body! Literally, I was having small panic attacks the whole time, small squeaks emitted from my mouth and I was bouncing around on the ground like a spotter in gym, waiting for her to come tumbling down from that thing.

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But no matter how terrifying it was for me, so much so that Kim had to remind me to take pictures, which never happens. I am ALWAYS taking pictures, I don’t want her to lose that adventurous spirit. I don’t want her to be stuck in a box that says Boys do this and Girls do this. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her to be “girly” or traditionally feminine if that’s what she wants to be. I’m not bucking society just to be “progressive”. I just want to make sure that she know she has choices, that she has options. She can be whoever and whatever she wants to be!

Since she has had her birthday, we have kicked up our bedtime routine a notch. We read a story or two before bed every night and I think she really enjoys it. She can actually sit through a story and she can interact with me. It’s amazing to me the things she remembers.

We even went to the library the other day and she got to pick out her own book. From the time I told her we were going until we got there, she told me she wanted a “spider book” (YUCK), so we got her a spider book and she loves it, so much so, I may have to purchase it. She also got a Princess book, the “mouse and cookie” book, and “Llama Llama mad at Mama”.

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Along with a bed time story, I always ask her what her favorite part of the day was and what she wants to do tomorrow. I also ask her what she wants to be when she grows up. She’s been pretty consistent for the last several months in saying “Doctor”. Guess I better save some money!

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Whatever she wants, I just want to nurture her spirit, her imagination and creatiivity. I want her to know she has so many options that she doesn’t have to stick to the norms of society, the gender stereotypes. I was just so disheartened today when I heard the phrase come out of her mouth.

“I don’t like blue. Blue is for boys.”

But blue isn’t just for boys. How do you relay that to a kid? She has to have heard that somewhere and it makes me sad. I have been working really hard to break those thoughts and really steer her down her own path, where ever that will be, I will follow her lead. And if she really just doesn’t like blue, that’s OK! I just don’t want it to be because she’s a girl and girls don’t like blue.

The more she grows, the more personality she gives and shows. I’m enjoying seeing her grow into this little person all of her own, but I want her to be the one making those choices, for herself. Because I love her with my whole heart and I want her to love herself with her whole heart.

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Punky’s Third Birthday Minnie Mouse Extravaganza

So the night before her birthday, we got her a box a filled it with all the Disney on Ice things. I made her shirt and my shirt, wrote her a little letter from Minnie, put in the real tickets and her pretty pretend tickets and wrapped it up like a mailed package. Put a clubhouse postage stamp on it and set it on the porch.

All while she was napping in our room downstairs.

I didn’t get a picture of the box, because I hadn’t found my real camera and my phone camera takes crappy pictures. We did take a video of her opening the box with Grammy’s phone, but she wasn’t nearly as excited as I wanted her to be (She’s three and didn’t fully get it!)

But, I have the pictures of the things inside.

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Letter from Minnie, inviting her to the show!

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Her special ticket, signed by Minnie and Mickey

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Clubhouse postage shipping label

So, when she got up from her nap, Kim told Punky that she thought she saw a mouse outside!

Punky was so surprised that she said, “What? Like Mickey Mouse??”

Kim said, “I don’t know, I just saw a mouse out there.”

Punky peeked outside and spotted the box and said, “I see Minnie and Mickey in the street and they are holding my hands and we are walking together! Oh, look, it’s a mouse box.”

So, we went to investigate and she pulled the box out. It had all her goodies in it. She didn’t fully understand what was happening, but she thought the idea of Disney on Ice was fun and it was neat that Minnie put a present on her porch.

So yesterday was her THIRD birthday. Jeez, where has the time gone!?

I got up before she did and reveled in the quiet of the morning that would be a busy busy day full of birthday fun and running around. I posted this on my Facebook page and meant every word of it. I think when we want something so badly and we work so hard to get it, the amazement never fades. I am still astonished that I have a kid, let along a three year old. I’m also sooo astonished that such a tiny person could complete me so much, to overflowing (even when she’s a holy fucking terror).

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As a side note, if any of my blog friends want to follow me on Facebook, it’s my personal page, but you are welcome to message me or email me (in the password page, email is listed) and I’m happy to give you the details. It’s mostly just pictures of Punky!

I woke her up with a Happy Birthday song and she woke up and we had birthday waffles. With my being off work right now and my short term disability not being effective like it’s supposed to be (another blog topic), we are completely out of money until Wednesday. So I didn’t get to have any special ready for her, like balloons or something. Instead, I warmed up some frozen waffles and stuck some candles in them.

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While she ate her birthday waffles, I went to town on her hair. She was so occupied with the waffles, I was able to get the bow styled into her hair! It was a success. This tutorial I found on Pinterest, was perfect and helped a bunch! I added her Minnie Mouse ribbon bow to the center and she was set.

We had a blast at Disney on Ice, so much so that I took too many pictures and videos to share them all. I also probably have more favorites than are necessary, but I found my real camera the night before we went, so of course, pictures were plenty!

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The show was definitely worth the money I spent. And as someone who has anxiety about driving, especially in downtown, we made it without any real issues, thank goodness. This kid better know how much I love her, I drove there and back by myself. Anyway, we were in row 6, right behind the rink side seats, so the show was pretty close and she was able to see for the most part. (Except for the adult heads in front of her) She sat on my lap and stood up for most of it.

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After the show, we went home and relaxed for a bit before we headed to her godparents’ house for a little celebration of cupcakes and bubbles and presents.

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Its getting sooo nice outside during the afternoon, it’s like spring has sprung suddenly. So, she got to ride her bike until the street lights came on and we went inside for dinner.

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We rounded the evening will a special birthday dinner. Papa asked her what she wanted to eat and she asked for hamburgers and noodles. We had fries and cupcakes too.

This video is hilarious by the way. She blew out her candles on her cupcake at dinner and we were left with icing, adult words, and pure laughter. Because well, I love it.

So, even though Mommy didn’t have much money to do anything for her birthday like we usually do, we have support and love of her family and our friends and I think her party was great!

Next week we are having a tea party for all her little friends. And I just found out my mom and my sister (and all her kids!) are coming to join us. I’m so excited about that! They live three hours away and I miss them all soooo much. So, it will be fun for everyone!

A Rose By Any Other Name….

So we went to the Social Security office to get a replacement card for Miss Punky. We figured since we were already there, we might as well get my name changed, since it takes forever to drive there and it’s a pain in the ass to go there.

We found out that Missouri is STILL in appeal, thus we can’t change my name.

So does that mean we are really married? I don’t know. I still go by that name,but it makes things confusing when we have to do legal stuff like applications and job stuff. Signing up for things and the like is difficult, because I have to remember which name I have given to people in order to be consistent.

It’s just a little disheartening that we have a marriage license, its signed and paid for. And yet, I can’t legally change my name and it’s just a name – it’s not a validation of our marriage or our commitment to each other. It’s just sad that we have to go through all these hoops and then I see comments on my news feed in regards to politics and religion that want to tear down the basis of my family. All the while, these same people saying things like “I don’t agree with your position on this, but you know I love your family.”

Obviously … I just don’t see the logic behind that.

People are always, in my mind, entitled to their opinion, though I would appreciate less platitudes from my ‘friends’ in regards to my family. If you support certain politicians or certain laws being put in place, that’s great, but it doesn’t do me any confidence, only some kind of band-aid, for you to say, “But, it doesn’t really apply to you!”

I mean really. It’s like saying “I don’t like your lifestyle and you are probably going to hell, but I love you anyway.” That statement is so contradictory. I just don’t understand and I generally ignore these comments, internalize them. I just brush them off and pretend it doesn’t matter, because it won’t matter to the person I attempt to educate. Because these people, who say things like this don’t know what it’s like to live the life I live, in the family I live. To be me. People think they know, but they don’t. It’s not your experience, you have no idea.

And of course, this is all over a damn name change.

Anyway! Onto more exciting news!

Miss Punky will be three on Saturday!

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With my issues with work right now, and my sudden stay at home status – money has been tight. I’m used to giving her the giant parties and celebrating her birthday with lots and lots of love, family, friends, and decorations. Unfortunately, this year, the big extravaganza is not an option. I’m sad about it, but it’s my hang up. I know that she won’t remember, I know the parties are more for me than for her. I know that, in my logical mind.

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Play glasses from the eye doctor recycle bin.

But, in my effort to make Punky’s childhood more fun and more child-like than mine was. So, I parent out of my own guilt and out of my own trauma. I know that – with my therapist’s help, I get it. But, I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I just have to remember that I’m the best mom I can be. No amount of money, no amount of parties or things will change that. So, before we ran out of money, I purchased two tickets to Disney on Ice for myself and Punky. I’ve never been before, but it looks like something she will really enjoy.

She got a birthday present in the mail from a relative out of town, so I will be using that box to put together an extra special “invitation from Minnie Mouse” to enjoy the show!

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I’m also going to be making her an outfit sent in the box from Minnie Mouse for her to wear to the show. I am making her a shirt with Minnie Mouse on the front and “It’s My Birthday” and on the back it will have her name and the number 3, like a jersey. Pair that shirt with a tutu skirt, tights, and her high tops, she’s going to be set.

I have also been holding onto a very pretty sparkly necklace with a Minnie Mouse Pendant for her to wear with her outfit.

Along with all my lofty goals, I want to do her hair with this tutorial. It’s going to be fantastic if I can get her to sit still long enough!

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So the box will be on the porch for her. I can’t decide if I should give it to her the night before or the morning of! Decisions, Decisions.

My little Punky will have a great third birthday, I just want her to have fun and enjoy being a kid. I just want her to stay as sweet and innocent as she is when she sleeps! This is the best way I can do it.

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Along with her Disney on Ice experience, her godparents are planning a miniature party for her as well on her birthday at their house and then next week, we are having a tea party for her and her little friends here at our house.

So, not a giant party, but it will hopefully still be as special as she is! Because, boy do we love this little girl so much!

Unexpected Stay at Home Mom

I haven’t actually left my job, but my anxiety has gotten so bad that I have taken out a personal leave from work. It’s paid – sort of. I get paid in full until my paid time runs out and then they will pay me 60% of my pay. It’s not the most ideal situation, but it’s something. I guess, if I’m going to have a complete and utter mental break, it’s good to have the support of family.

My sister-in-law just got me on with a company to do some work from home stuff. So far, it’s pretty good and it’s been getting me out of the house, on my own terms. Its been opening up my horizons and in the process, I get access to some great quality, organic, all natural products. I never really cared about being “green” or “organic” or whatever, but if it’s going to help me earn some income and stay at home – well we do what we have to do.

I know that the east side of the country has FEET of snow, that’s nuts. We got a few inches recently. Our first REAL snow finally. Miss Punky has been itching to really get her hands in the snow. Really get in there and make snow angels. Mostly, snow angels. We had a small snow and we went out about a month ago, but it didn’t stay around and it wasn’t any real accumulation to do anything with.

So yesterday, she got a great little with her cousins in the snow.

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I always thought that I wouldn’t want to be a stay at home mom. That I just wouldn’t be cut out for it. And working was my solace. I was not a stay at home mom for a reason. Being home drove me nuts. But, I find lately, I can’t get myself to leave her side. It’s emotional. And I love that I can see all the things she’s doing. I can be involved in all her new creations. Her imagination.

Just last night we had a rousing game of Bathtub Drive Thru.

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So, this is a turn in my story, I didn’t expect. And I do plan to go back to work – after I can get myself back on track. But, who knows, being at home has helped me feel better, has calmed my anxiety, perhaps it’s the right move to make. Everything is up in the air, but so far, I’m enjoying the moments I have with her, the snuggles, the random kisses. And the stories, all the stories and songs she share with me.

I am enjoying not missing a thing.

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Hi My Name is Rachael, And I’m A Pinterest Mom

Yes. I have a little obsession.

It’s called the Pinterest party. I also have another obsession.

It’s called a daughter.

So, once again, it’s that time of year, where we get all sides of her family (PS, that’s huge) and put them in one room and say, “CELEBRATE OUR KID!”

I know –

So people think its weird. Some people think its over the top. Some people thought we would just go all out for her first birthday but the rest would be low-key. Some people think we spoil her. Some people think its too much.

Her MOMMY thinks its awesome.

And this is the first year that Miss Punky will be interested in actually participating.

She picked out the theme this year. Her first birthday was Dr. Seuss. Her second was Cars.

I’m sure you are dying to know what she picked. SURPRISE SURPRISE!

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It does help that her Mommy is a graphic designer and a party planner in her spare time. So with all the practice I get in my Etsy Shop (SHAMELESS PLUG: While on the subject, don’t forget, ladies with recent BFP, you get a 50% discount in my shop that caters to same-sex baby shower invitations! Just use the coupon code BFP50 at time of purchase) making invitations, this one, was a no brainer.

Minnie AND Mickey must be equally featured in her party this year. But she prefers the pink Minnie to the red Minnie, so it’s making things very, very difficult. So, we will have a dance party (for the hotdog dance of course), a homemade Minnie Mouse pinata, and Grammy is making a Minnie and Mickey cake, and a bow making station!

I am also – if all things go according to plan, taking her to see Disney on Ice. Where she will get to see Minnie and Mickey on ice – for her actual birthday. Just Punky and Mommy. Something special for the two of us to do together. I’m quite excited about it. It will be a surprise and I plan on getting her all dressed up in her Minnie Mouse costume from Halloween or buying a new dress up Minnie Mouse dress from Walmart I saw the other day – because really, who doesn’t find this Minnie Mouse, simply irresistible?!

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So last year, with her party invitation, I also slipped in an update card with an updated picture and all her favorite things. Along with height, weight, phrase of the moment, things like that.

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This year, I am doing something similar – but it will be more interview style, as I will ask her questions and she will answer them. I have yet to figure out which picture from the past year I wanted to use.

So I put it to a vote on Facebook. 52 people have weighed in so far, and I’m looking for your opinions too! I can’t decide! Help me, ladies, help me pick the cutest picture to represent my darling Punky in her second year of life as she gets ready to turn THREE.

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I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are already planning for birthday #3. When did this happen? It makes this mommy very sad and unhappy! I miss that sass-free baby that did nothing but cuddle, sleep, and poop. LOL.

I’m not Mommy Anymore…

Which I suppose comes with the territory of being a mom to an almost three year old. Yea, that happened. This kid will be three in March. Where the hell did the time go? She’s constantly keeping me on my toes, she’s sweet when she wants to be and a monster when she feels like it.

She’s a light in my life and my eventual heart attack waiting to happen. She’s been trying to give me a heart attack with her climbing since before she could walk.

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Now she does full on performances. Usually, it starts with “Ladies and Gentlemen!” and proceeds to be some sort of dance or trick, sometimes a song or dance and if I can get video fast enough, it’s amazing.

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Did you catch the “Mom!” moment. I did. I have gone from Mommy to Mom to Mom…. my. Those two little letters, the small syllable at the end is hanging on by a thread and by the time she’s three, she may be too big for Mommy. When the hell did that happen?

When did our kid get potty trained?

When did she start saying things like “Amazing” and “Ridiculous”?

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When did our sweetness start shouting “No” and “I don’t love you anymore” when she gets mad?IMG_2473

When did she develop such compassion and beauty and kindness in her. (Our puppy ran away, Grammy was very sad, Miss Punky watched out the window for her the puppy til bedtime.)

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When did my kiddo start ‘reading’ books to me, instead of the other way around?

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I know people told me when she was born and before, when I was pregnant – to cherish the moments, don’t rush them. I took those words to heart. I took pictures. I savored the moments. I don’t think it mattered. Time went fast without me. Time rushed me. Time went and took my baby girl from helpless to helpful. From dependent to independent. From crying to singing. From climbing to … well, that hasn’t really changed.

It didn’t matter how many pictures I took. It didn’t matter how many moments we shared, how many milestones we had. She still got bigger. She still grew up. Faster than a blink of an eye. I’m in awe that our Punky is going to be three. I’m more in awe at all the things she is doing, the things she says. Its all just so amazing to me.

I just can’t believe I am planning a birthday party – again. A third birthday. Minnie and Mickey Mouse. She’s insistent. And its the one she will start interacting more with, knowing that its for her. A celebration of her. She will be three in March. Where did the time go? I just don’t know.

I do wish I could hang on to “Mommy” a little longer, though.

My Adventures in Potty Training

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The types of messages my best friend (Punky’s godmother) gets to read from me.

Potty training has been the single WORST part of parenting I have ever experienced. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m loving the idea of my kid not having to wear pull ups anymore and the financial awesomeness that comes with that.

But.

This Kid.

She’s been sitting on the potty for over a year, she knows what it is, and she’s been familiar with the potty for a long time now. We started actively trying to potty train around July. I don’t really remember, we weren’t super consistent with it.

We had tried all sorts of rewards. Stickers, candy, dances, tattoos. Blah, Blah. Nothing worked.

This kid was stubborn or not ready. I’m not sure which. But really, she was completely aware of what we were doing. She knew what it meant to be potty trained. We got lots and lots of panties for her in all her favorite characters.

We finally got around to actually being consistent. Right after the new year and the holidays. We eliminated pull ups during the day and it was sort of working. We removed her panties all together and let her run around with a bare bottom. That worked the best.

She recently asked us for panties again.

We decided to take her lead and use the panties as an incentive.

So she was able to have one pair a day. She had to take care of those or she didn’t get anymore for the day. And this strategy worked for a minute.

Then, we noticed that she was starting to stay dry at night, so when she woke up she would have a dry pull up. So, we thought maybe we would start training even more.

Grammy came up with the strategy that has seemed to work the best. That has has the most longevity.

Money. My kid is motivated by money.

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Introducing our Potty Pig. We all put our change in the potty fund and she gets a “penny” when she pees and a “nickel” when she “number 2″ and if she has no accidents all day she gets a “quarter”. I put quotes around the money value, because she has no idea what I’m handing her, but if I’m out of pennies, I may give her a nickel or if I’m out of nickels, she may get a dime. At the end of a period of time (this weekend) we will count up her potty money and she gets to go shopping with her own money and pick out her own stuff.

The pig stays up on the fire mantle, because I have noticed that the idea of having the potty pig in her hand is the incentive mostly. She loves to hold and play with delicate things. She likes to nurture them and kiss them and play with them. (We learned that with the Nativity around Christmas). So I don’t really think it’s the money, but it will be when we finally cash out the money for a special toy. I guess we will see.

So there’s a whole ritual thing we do, because we are all a bit of creatures of habit.

She then gets to dance around with the pig for a minute. Mommy dances and sings and we make a big spectacle about it. So far it’s worked out.

She’s had minimal accidents for about a week. And I have taken her to places for an hour at a time, or visit family member houses with hour potty breaks – with little to no issue. So, I thought, why not take her to the park. She’s started to recognize when she has the urge to go and she is pretty good about stopping and holding it before she has an accident.

Soooooo, I thought, let’s enjoy the nice weather we are having here in the midwest of the US. We have been having great weather. And while I am dealing with my own agoraphobia, it really stems from going anywhere without my kid, so the park was fine. I could take her to the park without an issue.

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We were there for a little over an hour. I would ask her frequently if she had to go potty. She would tell me no. We hit the hour and 15 minute mark and then … disaster struck.

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So that happened. And she had diarrhea for the rest of the day and it was what I thought would be the end of our successful streak. We waited it out a few days and then when her upset belly cleared up, I told her yesterday that if she had a day without an accidents we could go to bed without a pull up and wear panties instead.

She’s been asking for this for a few days and I had been reluctant to do it, because of her issues with diarrhea. But, yesterday, she did really well. She even took a little nap on the couch and had no accidents. I had to wake her up, sit her sleepy bottom on the potty and then she went back to sleep.

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So. we put some plastic down on her bed and bit the bullet. She ran around the house in this ridiculous outfit for quite some time when she realized that she wouldn’t have to wear a pull up to bed.

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She’d been waking up dry for about a week, so I wasn’t super worried about it, but you know – our streak was hindered for a minute, so I got concerned.

This morning, Kim posted this.

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I was reluctant to announce it to the world. Potty training really has been the single worst job of my parenting so far. And you know how it goes, you brag about your kid doing something awesome and then the kid proves you wrong and there’s some crazy setback. It’s like the, for real, law of toddler successes. Don’t post it or brag about it, because it is just a fleeting moment! Haha.

Anyway, I’m thrilled with our success, thus far. I am hoping this isn’t a fluke and we can soon announce that she is POTTY TRAINED. We are so close I can feel it, but then, here I am posting about it and bragging about it, so we will see what tomorrow holds in store!

In other happy news, my sister had her fourth baby this week. A beautiful baby girl named Aurora. I will be calling her “Rory”. She’s beautiful and healthy and hopefully her last one, cause my goodness she has her hands full with the four of her kids in her beautiful and very active family!

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Teaching Emotions To a Toddler

I’ve been in a bad place for a little over a month. I’m not really sure what the problem is. I do know that my Agoraphobia has gotten much worse. I am having the most difficult time leaving my house. I can’t decide if it’s because I don’t want to leave Punky – even though I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom – or I just can’t find the energy to do anything but sit and ponder my predicament.

Thank goodness for FMLA, because I swear, I don’t know how I would be able to do this without it. I wake up every morning and I get dressed and get ready to go to work, then something happens. Something always happens that causes my heart to race and my stomach to tighten and I just get so anxious about leaving the house.

People don’t realize that it’s the illnesses you can’t see that cause the most trouble. My therapist believes that part of the issue is that I was not allowed to express my feelings or my emotions growing up, so now I don’t know how to deal with it. Instead, I just shut down. Like now. I am just shutting down.

Going through this makes me very in tune with how I want to make sure that Punky has a different experience. It is difficult though, since she’s two and I think she’s made it to the threes early (which I hear is worse than the twos). She’s got a short temper, an attitude, and her mouth does this thing where is says mean things and does a lot of screaming. She’s sassy and strong willed and she has her own little opinions and thoughts and feelings.

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So, its pretty hard to help her see that her behavior isn’t acceptable, but she can still feel the way she feels. Basically, I don’t want to punish her for being upset or being angry or sad.

Instead. I want to help her identify the emotion she has and find a way to cope with it that is not as disruptive to the rest of the people in the house. I’m trying to do this. It’s hard when there are four adults to the one toddler and we all take care of her at the same time. It’s not always consistent, which I’m sure can be confusing for her.

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I just know that when I was a kid, if I was upset about something my parents said, it didn’t matter. If they told me no, I just had to be silent about it and not have an opinion. If they told me to do something, I wasn’t allowed to ask why or negotiate. I’m sure that’s how most people grew up. It’s probably not out of the norm for today’s parenting either.

But, I’m finding that, with my blind faith in religion and then my inability to express myself or my feelings, I have had a hard time coping with my own emotions. Instead, I bottle everything up and I don’t confront people for fear that I will have a negative consequence. I don’t like conflict, I can’t say no to anyone for the most part and I don’t assert myself the way I should. Instead. I don’t talk about anything. I just sit there and keep inside the emotions and thoughts I have until I can’t keep them in anymore.

I don’t want that for Punky.

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I want her to express herself. I want her to be able to feel mad or sad or happy and not feel ashamed about it. I want her to also be able to deal with those emotions without screaming and having an attitude about it. I’m sure its more complex that it needs to be for a two year old. I know I’m probably making it more difficult than it needs to be.

This is the problem with residual brainwashing from church where you blindly follow and obey whatever you are told and PTSD from the childhood of repressed feelings – it causes me to project my fears onto my kid. I hope that doesn’t damage her more. I work so hard not to be the same parent I had, making sure Punky feels heard and loved and important. I spent my energy making sure she’s a kid, that she enjoys life as a kid, doesn’t grow up too fast and has a childhood where more good memories are found than bad ones.

Is that more damaging to her? I don’t know. My working so hard to break the cycle and sometimes I’m afraid that I will be a different kind of parent that damages their kid.

I know the last few posts have been a bit deeper and depressing than usual. (if you missed the password protected post before this) I’m sorry for that. I’m just in a funk and I can’t really figure out why. But, going through this and having a disorder like this, makes me more and more concerned that I will break my kid.

Even though I know – its not the truth.

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I know this kid is a kid. She’s a happy kid. She’s an active, sweet, beautiful, smart little girl. And I just hope my insecurities don’t rub off on her. Instead, I hope she can learn to articulate her feelings and find healthy ways to deal with them and express herself.